z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

One Last Stand

by FangirlDivided


One Last Stand

FangirlDivided

We both stood rigid in formation, our spears at the ready, waiting for the command to charge. It seemed like we had been standing there together, me and Walen, for hours on end. I still remember the first day I met Walen over 10 years ago.

He was a skinny thing with wiry blond hair that fell to his shoulders. How he managed to make it into the knights school I will never know.

Of course the other recruits saw it as a weakness. I’ll admit for awhile I thought he was not gonna last a week. But a week went by of training and then two, finally we were able to do sparring matches.

Walen got paired with Roderick, probably the toughest kid in our year, and the meanest. We were certain that Walen was gonna lose this one but we were very wrong. After a couple thrusts and parries from both boys Roderick got impatient and took a haphazard swing that threw him off balance. Walen then rolled underneath Roderick and tripped him. Before he could get up Walen had his drill sword at Roderick’s neck, thus ending the sparring match.

Later I went to go congratulate him, I was not one who was easily impressed. When I got there though, there was eight kids surrounding him. One of them was no other than Roderick.

“Hey!” I called hoping to distract them. It seemed to work. Only problem was now they were mad at me.

“Gotta problem.” Roderick asked me as his buddies surrounded me.

I mustered up all the courage I had to reply, “Yeah, I do. You can’t take some kid beatin’ you. So you decide you need seven others to beat ‘im.”

That got an angry growl from Roderick and a punch aimed at my face. I managed to duck but the rest chose that moment to join in. I got some good punches in but they got more. Before one minute was up I had a broken nose, a black eye, several missing teeth, and even more loose.

Just when I thought I couldn’t fight much more, one of the boys went toppling backwards and another body was added to the fight, only this one was on my side. By the time an instructor was heard coming and the boys bolted, me and Walen both looked in rough shape.

When Sir Talmen came we were both leaned up against the wall trying to catch our breath. He looked at us with an expression of utter surprise and said, “What on Earth happened? Actually, never mind. You can tell me after you both have seen the healer.”

An hour later we were both sitting on beds across from each other. We were both silent. The healer, Madam Kiley, left moments ago to get more supplies. I finally decided to ask the question that was on my mind.

“So why’d you go and jump in there?”.

He looked at me and grinned, I noticed he was also missing a couple of teeth, and said,

“Couldn’t just leave ya to get killed, not after you jumped in to help me any how.”

It was my turn to grin at him, “Anytime.” I held out my hand and he shook it, both of us laughing at the sight of the other.

From there we spent years training together, Roderick ended up expelled along with most of the others. Our friendship grew with every passing year, till most who saw us would think us brothers. Then the war came and we were called on to fight. That was four years ago, now this could be the ending of the war, and it wasn’t looking good.

“Wish they’d call it already.” Walen whispered to me.

“Edgy are we?” I whispered back, flashing a grin.

“Best get this over with.” He said, his tone becoming quite solemn.

“Don’t you go and start given up on me, got it?” I said.

“They have ten thousand, we’re lucky if we got three.” He replied sharply.

“Since when did that stop us? You remember ten years ago when we took on eight kids twice our size? We didn’t give up then did we?”

He thought for a second. “Guess not.”

“We said we was in this together, so whaddaya say, one last stand?” I asked, at that moment the horn blew signaling the charge.

He grinned at me, “One last stand.”, and with that we ran into the fight side by side just like we had since that day ten years ago.

Me and my brother.


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193 Reviews


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Fri Feb 03, 2017 12:30 am
herbgirl wrote a review...



Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
To begin, the thing i liked most about this piece was the characters. It seemed to me you really enjoyed writing from their perspectives, and really had a good handle on who you though they were. However, i still felt you had a lot to work on in this piece.
The main thing that i noticed was the informality of your writing. Towards the beginning you use the word "gonna", and you were missing an apostrophe in "Knights". There were a few other small errors, like comma placement, and typing out 10 instead of spelling it. However, while these may seem small, they have a large impact on your writing. When there are numerous errors in a piece, it can throw off the reader's flow, making it harder for them to really get into the story and understand your message. i recommend, with this piece and any further pieces, carefully re-reading what you've written before you publish it to eliminate any of these errors. Regarding the dialogue, however, you may leave any grammatical errors if they are there to represent a certain dialect, as you do here quite often.
The other major thing that i have to suggest to you is to provide more background about the characters. What else made them grow so close? Why did they want to become knights? How do they feel about the war? These details can help readers feel closer to the characters and pull them into the story.
Anyways, good job. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. Keep up the good work!
herbgirl






Thank you for your review. My grammar is not the greatest, and sometimes I have noticed my accent slips into my writing. I appreciate you giving your time to go over this.

All The Best,
Fangirl/ed



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558 Reviews


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Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:56 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Heiyo, FangirlDivided! Lupa here for Review Day! :D Let's jump right in...

1) I loved your story. The two characters are relatable, kind, and brave, so that's a plus. The idea was very nice (although I didn't really know what was going on--we'll talk about that later), and there wasn't much that I could critique--about the plot and whatnot, that is.

2) Just one suggestion about the flashback: put it in italics. It jars the reader when you suddenly switch from the past to the present, and there's nothing discerning the two. If you don't want italics, you could put something like this in the middle to let your readers know:
...
So yeah, just make easy to tell what's going on.

3) WOW! Nice last line! It packs an emotional punch, considering the fact that they're fighting a losing battle side by side. It shows just how strong the bond is between these characters. Your ending was great.

Overall, I couldn't find much to critique. Everything was amazing! :D The only real thing I have to say is number 2, so take a long, hard look at that one. Keep writing and happy review day!

XOX,
Lupa22






Thank you for your review! After rereading it, it does get a little confusing at the flashback and I completely see your point.

All The Best,
Fangirl/ed



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235 Reviews


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Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:30 am
inktopus wrote a review...



Storm's here for a review. So let's jump right into it!

I really enjoyed reading this. There wasn't much in way of plot, but it was meant to be character driven so that's okay. I don't actually have a lot to say. I came in looking for mistakes but just ended up enjoying the ride.

That being said, I do have a few issues with this.

First of all, I really enjoy reading your characters. They aren't flat, especially their relationship, but you need to differentiate between them. They to make their personalities more distinct from each other. Both of them seem quite playful and mischievous but there's got to be more to them than that. I think just highlighting the differences between them will really add to both of their characterization.

I also must add that you did phenomenally on the dialogue. I love how you added the dialect right into it, it really adds a lot of depth. It all felt really believable and fun. Another thing I liked was your sense of fun and seriousness. It was very fun to read the mix of emotions you wrote in this story. Although, I would have really liked to see some more seriousness considering that they're fighting a losing war.

I found that your description was a bit lacking. You need to add more of everything. Paint the readers a vivid picture of what's going on.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. I hope this helped even a little. If you have any questions feel free to ask in a reply or pm me. Great job!






Thank you for your wonderful review. As I said this is an old work of mine and honestly I wrote it very quickly. I do see your points, though, and I will watch for it in my future works.

All The Best,
FangirlDivided



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Thu Jan 26, 2017 10:46 pm
elizabethmarieg wrote a review...



Very intriguing story! I sensed a little connection between this passage and Harry Potter. I don't know if you've read the series, but if you did, the two main characters are very much like Fred and George toward the end. Anyhow, I admire this story because it talks about a strong friendship that started with some physical bullying. I thought that in the beginning, it would talk about the moral of the story being a 'Don't judge a book by its cover' theme. I read the entire passage and found out that it had much more to offer, and it has multiple inspiring lessons or morals. Keep writing! :)






Thank you for your review. I hadn't actually noticed the similarities and in all honesty just wrote it for fun, but I'm glad people can take something more from it.

All The Best,
Fangirl/ed




Some people file their [tax] returns inside of a dead fish.
— John Oliver