December 19th, Oxford.
His name was Ivan. He was a Russian hired assassin and he had one mission: to assassinate a fourteen year old boy. But there was a catch; it had to look like an accident. He rounded a corner and strode down a small alley way that would of only fit went over the plan in his head. The boy was timed to arrive in about three minutes. It was simple; he would creep up, smash the boy's head on the door, the place a big rock right behind his feet. It would look like he badly tripped and smashed his head.
"Yeah! Well, see ya tomorrow, Alex!" Alex, that was his name.
Ivan picked up his pace and stood out into an avenue decorated with Christmas lights, did Ivan care? No. There didn't seem to be anyone around one or two cars, but that was it.
Just as Alex was about to swing the door open Ivan shouted.
"Excuse me!" Ivan gathered pace, heading towards his target.
"Me?" Alex Asked as he turned away from the door. That was his first mistake.
"Yes," replied Ivan through gritted teeth. He loved to scare his targets before he killed them. Alex started stepping backwards towards the wall. That was his second mistake.
When he was in range, Ivan lashed out to grab Alex but his hand never made contact. Instead he felt a pain to his stomach as he doubled back and tripped over the edge of the walkway. He stared at the end of a gun point and realized; this was the end. Then - nothing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that got to business quite quickly there. Its an interesting strategy to use here at the very start of something like this. Usually we've got a bit more of a buildup happening to really set the scene and build some tension which is usually a bit more effective too, but in this way you do get a bit more shock value and that certainly is present so far and it is getting our attention, so well, let's see where this goes.
Okayy well this so far looks like its going to be a pretty easy job although it looks like this particular assassin is one who likes to get a little bit overconfident before they be diving into these kills here because it looks like they have sort of just directly called out the target which I have a feeling is going to complicate matters a bit here. Either way it is certainly interesting moment here in this piece.
Aaand yup that went exactly as I expected it to there. Well I suppose as bad of an assassin as this person happens to be, this is the happy outcome since clearly we want this fourteen year old here to live although that gun and this whole situation that is now very much shrouded in mystery does complicate things because you do wonder how it got to that point....and well that ends up making this come together pretty strongly here as a very solid prologue.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for the reviews they were helpfull. Exept on quite a few things I don't agree with you, Saint.
Actually it was a typo: "He rounded a corner and strode down a small alley way that would of only fit went over the plan in his head." it was supposed to be: "He rounded a corner and strode down a alley that would of only fit one person, then started to go over the plan in his head."
I do that alot.
Why I didn't tell you why he had to kill Alex was because that is one of the mysteries, he doesn't know himself either.
This is an interesting beginning. You could flesh it out a bit more, as Saint pointed out, but you have an intriguing idea.
Why did Ivan have to kill Alex? What is the reason? You are left wondering. Perhaps if you merely hinted at it, it would be better than nothing.
Yes, please separate the paragraphs with spaces. The solid block of text is so hard on the eyes and discourages readers. No likies.
But anyway, good job other than what I have mentioned. Saint caught the grammar errors, so I won't repeat.
*applause*
~GryphonFledgling
Hi there! Welcome to YWS! Haven't seen you around before. I'm Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.
Bah! Solid block of text! The first thing you need to do, my friend, is to space out your paragraphs. See how I'm doing? Just hit enter in between each paragraph and it'll attract a few more critiques. Aesthetic value is key. ^^
This, my friend, is what's known as an information dump, or info dump for short. What you're doing is force-feeding your reader facts. To be honest, it's not very interesting. What readers want is action. You want to show your reader what's going on. Try putting a bit of spice into an actiony scene. Like, "Ivan swept down a dark close, bent over and intent. Weapons galore gleamed from his belt in the dim moonlight. He walked with a purpose. He had one."
Et cetera, et cetera. See how your reader gets the information but it's written in a flashier fashion? Much more interesting.
This sentence doesn't make much sense. Is there a typo or something?
This is another sentence that seems like you're trying to cram too many ideas in. Try, "Ivan picked up his pace and strode out into an avenue decorated with Christmas lights. The assassin could care less for the brightly coloured bulbs."
Or something similar.
Typo! Should be "Alex asked."
Hmm... I think your biggest flaw is the one that I pointed out above - the whole showing versus telling thing. You've got a nice idea (if a tad cliched) but it needs to be fleshed out a bit. It's nothing to be ashamed of, a lot of writers start out this way.
So! My advice to you is to add descriptive language and carefully study some of your favourite books -- pay attention to how the author sets up a situation without directly telling you what's going on.
Deal?
If you have any questions or would like me to elaborate a bit more, don't hesitate to send me a PM! I'm here to help.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Sorry, but this phrase was a bit confusing. A small alley way that would only fit what? Methinks you meant something like: "He rounded a corner and strode down a small alley way that only just fit while he went over the plan in his head" or something like that.
Other than that, I have no complaints. This isn't that different from the original version, except you've made some of the suggested changes and it looks better.
^_^ Keek!