“Are you all set?”
Although her mother expected her daughter to respond in the affirmative, Megan was not all set.
The hospital, located in northern Ohio, as Meg later found out, kept her there for a few days until her hands were better. The blisters had mostly disappeared, but her fingers were still discolored. The important thing was that there was no permanent tissue damage, so her hands were usable and nothing had to be cut off- Megan shuddered at the thought that they might’ve had to do that.
She had gotten her clothes back- to think that I’ve had to wear a hospital gown for five days! Her dad had finished reading The Prisoner of Azkaban to Megan and she was once again satisfied with her favorite of all the Harry Potter books.
However, there was still one thing that was left unresolved: Chris.
“I am not leaving without him,” Megan huffed. As her mother leaned down, she could tell she was going to get the Now-listen-here-it’s-his-problem-don’t-worry lecture. That wasn’t going to happen.
“Mom,” she said sternly, drawing on her memories of Pyrok inside to get her point across, “we are going to go now and find Chris. Whether you believe I made him up or not, we are going to the police station and we will find him.”
Emma Elm huffed but then glanced down at her daughters hands. They looked like they were merely stuffed into gigantic gloves, but underneath they were carefully bandaged so they wouldn’t rub together, and there was another glove layer over that as well.
Megan glanced to the side and saw her father sitting patiently in their little red Honda. Laid back and easy going, he was waiting for Mom’s decision.
“Pppphhhhffffff.” Mrs. Elm let out a long breath of air and ran a hand through her hair. Her eyes flicked between the car and the shining face of her runaway daughter. “Alright Meg,” she conceded, pulling a weary smile onto her face, “we’ll go down to the police station. But let’s make it quick. We need to get you back home.”
She extended a hand to Megan, who gently took it in return. Mother and daughter swung into their car and George started the engine with a smile. Meg pressed her gloved fingers against the foggy and frosted window as the car shook to life beneath her. The wipers shuddered their way across the windshield, uncertain at first, then finding the groove to their movements.
Meg wondered when she would find her own groove in her life, and her thoughts wandered back to the day she really became undone. Maybe Chris is the key, she thought as she hummed softly to herself. Maybe if we find him, he can help me stitch my life back together.
As her mind whirled around in circles, it latched on him, the first friend she had made here, albeit only a few days ago. Meg peered through the hole made by her warmth on the glass and saw the police station- boldly marked- zooming towards her.
In the same moment that the car stopped moving, she found herself flying towards the building, her boots tap-tapping up the three concrete steps to the front door. Megan pushed her elbow down on the door handle, shoving her way past the door. Her parents were a few paces behind her as she reached the front desk where a police officer looked up from his paperwork.
“Excuse me, sir,” Meg began breathlessly, “but I’m looking for my friend. He’s a boy named Chris, about my height, wearing a big red jacket-” She stopped abruptly as someone entered at the far end of the room.
“About your height,” the officer smiled kindly, “a boy named Chris, wearing a big red jacket?” Meg’s eyes widened, and she leapt across the room in seconds.
“Chris!” She couldn’t tell whether she was laughing or shouting or both. But she didn’t care, she just threw her arms around her friend and laughed into his shoulder.
Megan’s parents were full of half-smiles, coming face to face with who they took to be the “root of all the trouble”. Chris glanced coolly at them, and knew then that he and Meg would have lots of talking to do later, but he turned his attention to the person who stood before him.
“Well,” he said, “aren’t you going to do something better than just get all clingy on me here?” Megan smirked and grabbed his arm, pulling them both outside where they raced up and down the street.
Chris grinned and threw a snowball that he knew Meg couldn’t return, and Megan’s parents were quite forgotten in the midst of fantasy. The quiet snowy world was filled with joyful screams and mirth of a new yet beautiful friendship.
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Hey, I'm back!
Alright, this is rather awkward. The story is told in Megan's perspective, so she shouldn't refer herself as 'daughter'. In fact, I find it okay to use 'her' instead, and would encourage you to make a habit of using it to refer Megan.
I still can't wrap myself about having to stay in the hospital for days because of your hand injury. I dunno, part of me thinks that the whole thing is exaggerated. There's no need for her to lie down like her other body parts are wounded. I'm pretty sure she just needs to go regularly to the hospital to treat her hand injury. I think you can consider if this injury really needs her to stay in the hospital for days.
I'm glad Megan decides to find Chris. It's clear he means something to her, and to tap her Pyrok character to persuade her parents is cool. Although I'm not fond of the way you word it--'“Mom,” she said sternly, drawing on her memories of Pyrok inside to get her point across...'-- because I've told you before Megan and Pyrok is the same being, just that Megan is Pyrok's human version. So to draw 'on her memories of Pyrok' indicates Pyrok as someone else, which isn't true.
This is an unnecessary detail. We know they're mother and daughter, so just saying 'they' is enough. Remember, tightness is key to effective writing.
Also, there is still the lack of italicization for thought. I'm just going to assume it's your style this way. It's just confusing to me when I get across thoughts in this form--it makes me think there's something wrong with the narration.
Your diction can be improved. 'flying' doesn't have the meaning you intend it to be. 'gliding' seems like a better choice. The first one implies Meg is off the ground and on the air.
Aww, I just love it when Megan meets Chris. It's quite sudden, though, and I'm actually okay with a bit more struggle to find him, because that would make things more suspenseful, and can explore more about her feelings toward him. But this way is okay too since it means we don't have to drag it out so much. Hahaha, I'm contradicting myself. I'm just glad you bring Chris back.
In terms of plot, I don't think there's much here. I'm wondering what's Megan's goal, because I think that's crucial for a novel. Anyway, that's it! Keep up the good job!
Hello Falconer! Snazzy here for a review!
First off, I must say I really enjoyed this! I can tell this is a very fond moment, even though I haven't read the rest of the novel! Great job on that! I only have a few nitpicks...
At first when I read this, I was a little confused - just with the wording is all. Maybe you could change the wording on the second sentence to make it clear that Megan would not let that happen . An example could be italicizing, or saying "Megan was going to make sure that didn't happen."
Daughters should be daughter's. Also, I think that this sentence is a bit choppy/doesn't go with the rest of the "fondness" of the story. You could make it more dramatic to the reader, like - "Emma Elm huffed, her gaze sliding slowly from her daughter's face to her hands." Or something like that.
Other than that, I thought this was great!
~Snazzy, Pencil, Penicillin, etc.
Awwwww. :'D



What an amazing story, Falconer! This chapter has to be one of my favorites, particularly in the manner that you reunited Chris and Megan the way that you did. Goodness, I was half-afraid that he was only a figment of her imagination and that she had managed to lose him forever. XD Yes, it does sound a little strange for me to say that, but I'm obviously not the normal kind of person.
Furthermore, this story flows really nicely. Each event is clearly explained with, might I add, an abundance of details. You did a great job of striking the balance between too many and too little details, which was a nice touch. I could envision quite clearly Meg's present state, her father reading to her, her conversation with her mother, the police station, and, finally, Chris himself reuniting with Megan and the fun time that they have. I especially liked the description that you provided as Megan looks out at the world from her parent's car and thinks about her life. It's great to see her happy for a change, rather than miserable or having to suffer with the qualms of being a non-human entity in a human body fighting for the fate of the human race. She believes in Chris, and she loves him, and feels that, together, they can fix the broken mess that is her life and improve it. And, considering the snowball fight and fun that they have at the end, I can only imagine that things will get better. Then again, maybe not; you know how we writers are.
In conclusion, I enjoyed the story. I liked the setting of the story; you did a nice job of not only describing it, but making clear the background of the chapter and Megan's past experiences. Your character development is also wonderful, particularly the way that you describe Megan's parent's personalities so clearly and vividly. I enjoyed reading this story from start to finish, and I earnestly await more. Well done!
Awwww thanks!
It's alright- I wanted the reader to start thinking that Chris might be made up. Fortunately, he's not. ^-^
I'm glad you like it so much! It seems I've finally found some footing for this story. Things will have to get worse eventually, but for now I'll just let Megan have some happiness and bittersweet sadness.
*whispers* You actually read multiple chapters... Do you want to be tagged for the next one? >.>
Good; it's great to know I'm not crazy for a change. XD

And yes, I do want to be tagged for the next one. I love reading the chapters in this story, and I'm interested in seeing what happens next. Therefore, yes.