Young Writers Society

Hey! I'm here to review (as you should aware by now )!

With the way Megan talks about the police, I'm more than convinced calling the hospital is more appropriate than calling the police. There's nothing the police can do about this since no criminal is there, or anyone committing suicide. At the end, the hospital proves to be more useful, and now the police knows about this and would call their parents and make them worried. But then, when I read on, it seems like you've a logical explanation to that, so kudos to you. I pretty much wrote that part before I read the explanation. -_-'

As the ambulance pulled up beside them and people started rushing out, Megan began to get dizzy. Why did I ever run away? she asked herself through the static of her mind. Her vision began to be edged with black, and the last thing she felt was falling…

In the brief periods when she was awake, there were constantly people above her, mouths moving faster than words came out, passing things to one another.

“Don’t call me Py,” she growled. “That name is reserved for friends only.” Ieva waved a hand through the air and then brought it back up to her face to inspect her nails. Her eyes flicked up for a moment to stare right at Pyrok.

“I’m your superior,” she sniffed, “and I have the right to call you anything I want, Py.”

Ieva pursed her lips. “Haven’t you been hurt? Didn’t your friend, Ella, betray you? Didn’t your parents force you out of the place you loved most? Didn’t your teacher act unfairly?”

Hello!
This review is going to be short, because as the other reviewers stated, this is absolutely amazing! Ieva's last line really left a mark, and it was a great ending sentence for this. Now, time for the review:

Chris had described her hands to the police, and apparently her hands were in danger.

Oooh; now this is one interesting twist. O_O

...I have to say it, Falconer - this chapter is impressive. Your character development is exceptional, as is the general plotline of the story. Nothing like a struggle over the fate of the human race, eh? Furthermore, I find your story not only unique, but definitely well-composed. In particular, the back and forth argument between Ieva and Pyrok over the fate of the human race and the worthiness of the species was fascinating, witty, and intense. Ieva obviously has low standards on the mannerisms and nature of the human race. Pyrok has confidence in the human race, which, given the way that she felt so much pain in the form of Megan, shows a lot about her personality - namely, her high esteem in humans, her resilience, and her bravery and confidence. Seeing these two personalities contrast was awesome, particularly in the manner in which Pyrok made clear her position.

I also liked your descriptions in the story. I could envision Megan/Pyrok's feelings quite clearly, not to mention the dark room in which she appears and her half-conversation/partial fight with Ieva. Your details were abundant, thoughtfully incorporated, and did a nice job of portraying each scene in the story vividly. I most enjoyed the way that you described Megan's falling in and out of consciousness, and her being upset at the beginning of the story. Well done!

I would like to note a few errors in grammar in your first few paragraphs. First and foremost, in the sentence "'Then I’d be taken care of and the police didn’t have to know about us,'" I feel that "wouldn't" would be a much more suitable replacement for "didn't." It more clearly communicates Megan's feelings, and also helps to highlight her upset feelings. Secondly, in the sentence "Who knew what it's number was?", the word "it's" is incorrect; the proper word is "its." After all, "it's" is a conjunction that means "it is," while "its" is a possessive word used to show identity, and "it is" certainly doesn't fit in the sentence. Lastly, you didn't capitalize the first word in the last sentence of your third paragraph. Yes, I know I'm nitpicking the story. However, there are absolutely no other grammar errors in the entirety of the story; it's mostly clean, as far as that goes.

In all, I loved the story. Your sense of character development was exceptional, as was your plotline and setting. The chapter is creative, well-composed, detailed and thoughtful, and I enjoyed reading it from start to finish. Well done!

Hello!

Here to review this chapter (and this review won't have anything else to do with the other chapters! ^^)

Wow. I loved the beginning; for someone who hasn't read the previous chapters, this one is action packed in the beginning. The characters are flowing nicely, as Megan is having problems with Chris telling the police about her hands. Now throughout this chapter there is character development, makes me want more of what is going to happen.

I liked how Meg went from normal to a Pyrock (who's seem to be more different as in character and that is awesome!). The dialogue between the Py-Meg and Ieva are quite well like mother and daughter or something.

Some things I found a little confusing (that could be answered from past chapters), is the transaction. She is Megan; in the human world then she is passing into the dream world to become a Pyrock? Just a little confusing to me.

"Really now. You think things like that are going to change my whole outlook on humans? There are problems like this in every society. I’m just a kid. Ella was a bad choice on my part, my parents had a right to move, and maybe my teacher is right- maybe I am someone who is just stuck up and wants attention. So what?” <-- this little part of your chapter seems bit... extended like the character realizes this almost too fast. However that could just be me.

I liked this chapter greatly and how the character acts throughout it all. Hopefully you write more! Hopefully this made sense.
Steggy