The boy looked at Megan's sleeping form in the other bed. He felt sorry for what he was about to do, but she didn't have to live the life that he did. She had a loving family, and she didn't know how running at could ruin a person. Her life would change for the worse and it may be irreversible.
Carefully, he looked through her backpack. It took him a moment to find what he was searching for: a card in a zipper pocket with her emergency contact information on it. He picked up the hotel phone and dialed her number.
"Hello?" the boy asked tentatively. There was a moment of silence, and then, "I'm Megan's friend."
After a much longer silence, he continued, "Yes, I know where she is. She's safe, she's with me... Now I need you to call this number again in five minutes. For your daughter." With that, he hung up the phone and put the card back into Meg's backpack.
* * * * *
Megan woke to the ringing of the phone.
"Mom," she mumbled, her voice thick with sleep, "get the phone." Someone was gently shaking her shoulder, looking at her with shining green eyes. Chris.
"Megan," he murmured, "it's for you." He helped her to her feet and she stumbled towards the phone. Confused, she looked back at him.
"For me?" The only response she got was a nod. Warily, she picked up the phone and spoke.
"Hello?" There was silence on the other end, but she could only focus on the burning feeling in her fingers. There were blisters everywhere, and it looked horrifying. Most of her hand was red and yellow, and some of the blisters were black.
The other end of the line exploded. “Who are you? What do you know about my daughter? Why did you call me?”
Megan’s hands began to shake but she pretended not to notice, just like she pretended not to know who was on the other side. “What do I know, you’re the one who called me.” A sucked in breath from the phone speaker. Silence. And then:
“Is it really you?”
Meg knew who it was. She knew it was her mother, and in that moment, she also suspected what Chris had done as she was sleeping. None of that mattered. She had to make her choice.
“I-I- yes. I left for a reason, and I’m not coming back.” Her words were firm, but she wasn’t sure. In the quiet of evening, alone with Chris in a hotel room, she could no longer feel that she was the Legendary Flame, alight with anger and confidence. Now she was just Megan, cold, afraid, and really just wanting to be home. But she had made her decision, and this was the time to stand up for it.
Megan hung up the phone.
“Are you sure…?” This voice came from behind her. Meg turned again to face Chris. She shook her head. “You can still call her back, you know.”
“No. I can’t have her come here and get you in trouble!” Megan reasoned. “We’ll just… walk back. We made it here, so it shouldn’t be horrible to get back, right?” Her friend wasn’t so sure.
“We’ll need a map-”
Chris was cut off by a sharp knock on the door. His eyes widened and he grabbed Megan’s hand. She yelped and covered her mouth with her other hand. The boy looked confused, but another knock sounded on the door so he quickly pulled open the window. They had been on the first floor, so it was only a three foot drop to the snowy ground below.
Together, they ran again, until the hotel was out of sight. Chris stopped Meg and pulled her off of the road. He grabbed her hand again.
“Megan, what happened?” he stared in horror at her hand, disfigured by cold.
“I… I don’t know. It only happened recently… I think it was because of the cold. I didn’t have gloves. It might be frostbite,” she replied unsteadily.
“Crap! I think we need to get you to a hospital.”
Chris lead Megan back onto the road. They were in a town, still close to the hotel, and restaurants and little shops lined the street. Pulling the girl into the nearest one, Chris walked up to the counter of the store.
“Excuse me, sir, but can I use your phone please?” he cleared his throat. The man pointed to the corner of the store. “Thank you.”
“Are you going to call 9-1-1?” Meg whispered. The boy nodded. “Have you ever called before?”
“No… but this is an emergency, right?” The two silently regarded the phone. Chris looked at Megan’s hands, picked up the phone, and dialed.
9-1-1.
“Hello? I think my friend has bad frostbite… we don’t have parents with us…”
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey, I'm here again! Hope you're not tired of me.
Well, the italicized parts in the beginning shouldn't be like that. This novel is set up in a limited third point of view, anyway. You can totally make the earlier part as Chris's, before moving on to Megan. It's okay to tell the story from his view without italicizing it. I love him already, given he actually doesn't approve of Megan's decision and tries to stop her from ruining herself. I love how he knows Megan has loving parents, and how she doesn't deserve to live the way he does. I realize he's the kind of friend who would actually set things right for you without you knowing it.
Aww, it just shows how she isn't over with her family yet, and is still used to calling Em like that. This tiny detail just shows us how she can't escape the previous routine she had, and how her family still matters to her. Kudos for you to tell us this.
I also like how the conversation by the phone goes. Initially, I suspected it would be her mom telling her to go home without her suspecting Chris was the one who started all of this. It's realistic and doesn't make her an oblivious person. Her mom's reaction to Chris's call is genuine enough for me to feel what she feels, and Megan's reaction to that is believable as well.
Ah, the hand part. I've been curious about this since you mentioned it when Megan went back home in the previous chapter. The black marks on her fingertips were alarming enough. I wonder if this can lead to something serious? They way you describe how her hands worsened doesn't look to me as a mere frostbite case. Maybe it has something to do with her alien part? She's used to fire, after all, so is there any possibility she's averted by cold and snow? I'm excited to see how it goes.
Pinkratgirl has a good point considering the calling 911 part. To be honest, now that I think about it, having your hands injured would make you go to the nearest clinic and not 911. The number is more associated with more severe cases. If there's no clinic nearby, it would be understandable why Chris resorts to calling that, but if there is one, it's suffice to let them go there. The part where he says they don't have parents with them is also a powerful line; it makes us realize how if something happens to them, their parents can't take care of it.
And that is all! Keep up the good job!
Hi, Falconer!! Happy Review Day! I love this story so far, it's really interesting! The detail is great, and you have done a fantastic job devoloping your characters!
This sentence seems a tiny bit off. Did you maybe mean "away" instead of "at"?
The description here is gruesomely amazing. I can totally picture Megan's hand!
I, personally, don't see any need for the "but" in this sentence. It confused me a tiny bit, but it may just be me.
Another thing that kind of bothered me, was, switching back and forth between Chris/the boy, and Megan/the girl. I'm not sure if it was just me, or what. It just seemed kind of confusing and made me have to stop and think. I don't know, it's probably just me.
Overall, Great Story!! I can't wait for the next chapter!
“…know how running at could…” I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here.
“No. I can’t…” I think the period should be a comma.
“Megan reasoned. “We’ll just…” If it’s still Megan talking then the period after “reasoned” should be a comma.
“Cr*p! I think we need to get you to a hospital.” I would take out “I think” because when he cussed it made me assume that he was certain about taking her to the hospital. (I hope that makes sense!)
“They were in a town, still close to the hotel, and restaurants and little shops lined the street.” Try to keep your usage of “and” to once in a sentence. This goes for a lot of other sentences in your story too.
“Pulling the girl into the…” I understand that you don’t want to over use Megan’s name but “the girl” is a little too vague to use in the place of “Megan”. It would sound better if instead of “the girl” you used “her”. There’s a quote that says something along the lines of “Don’t use multiple words when it could be described just as well with one.” I forgot who it’s from (you can Google search it or something) but It’s a tip that you should listen too.
“…he cleared his throat.” It would sound better if it was before he started talking.
“the phone, and dialed.
9-1-1.” The new line for 9-1-1 isn’t necessary.
Personally, I don’t think that it was necessary to call 9-1-1. Calling that number is for when you are literally dying or when someone is holding a place hostage. Not for when you have bad frostbite. Instead of calling they should just go to the ER since they have working legs and since she isn’t screaming in agony. But that’s just my uneducated opinion that is based off of watching “Untold Stories of the ER” on Sunday nights.
Anyways, this was really good and I can’t wait to read more!
Happy Writing!