Young Writers Society

Hi QueenMadrose! I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this, but here I am at last for the requested review :)

I think you have done a wonderful job in this poem portraying how much inner conflict there can be when someone is trying to come to terms with being queer. I think a lot of the time, media and people in general focus on the outer conflict you can face by coming out (which you do reference in stanzas 4 and 5), and that's definitely a very real and painful part of being lgbtq+.

But I think the inner turmoil people often face grappling with their identity can be just as painful and alienating in many cases, as well. And your metaphor of bright lights shining through the narrator's house, and through the cracks in their soul puts this into words very eloquently. The way the narrator tries to evade, ignore, turn off, and stop the bright lights is a very impactful depiction of being in self-denial.

So I think the imagery and metaphor you chose to employ in this poem, overall, works quite well! One critique I do have, though, is that it gets a bit repetitive over time; I just feel like some of the stanzas are repeating images that have already been used earlier in the poem, and aren't actually adding much to the tone or meaning of the poem. For example, you repeat

There are bright lights

shining through my house

I tried to stop it

it is growing shifting through

the cracks of my soul

Twice in the poem - and while I understand what you're going for, I personally don't find that this repetition improves the poem much. As a rule of thumb, you only want to keep something in a poem if it adds something new and important to the poem. Otherwise, you run the risk of your reader losing interest. So I would suggest going through, line by line, and deciding whether the line actually adds something to the poem. Cut out absolutely everything that doesn't add something, and see what you're left with! Of course, sometimes this can leave your poem feeling a bit bare, and if that's the case, you can go back in and add things back one by one until you've hit the perfect balance.

Stylistically, the only thing I'd suggest is looking at how you use capitalization throughout the poem - this is a great yws article I'd recommend reading that goes into depth about the different effects that capitalization choices can have on your poetry. I personally think that all lowercase would have a very neat effect in this particular poem; it can be used to convey an informal, personal tone, but I think it would also match the kind of broken-down voice of the narrator quite well in this poem. But! this is totally a personal taste thing, so definitely use capitalizion however you think would work best in you poem.

Overall, this was a really lovely and emotional poem to read. I like how you built up the entire poem to the final stanza, that acts as a bit of a climax to the piece. I also like how your imagery family was consistent and cohesive throughout. The repetition of the pleading phrase "Someone, please!" at the start of several stanzas was a very effective choice, as well, I found. In fact, throughout the poem I felt like you created a relatable narrator who conveyed a distressed, exhausted tone - definitely pulled a bit at my heartstrings!

Thank you for requesting a review - I enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem for you! Let me know if there's anything I can clarify or if you have any questions about what I brought up.

Keep writing,
Seirre

Heyy!! Forever here with a review!

I know I am painfully late. Let's get into it.

There are bright lights

shining through my house

I tried to stop it

it is growing shifting through

the cracks of my soul

This was a great beginning to the poem. The narrator seems to be afraid of lights for some reason. We still don't know what the reason is. However, I can assume to hide something. I do know a lot of people who prefers darkness because they feel too exposed in light. That can be a thing. Also we can see that the soul of the person is broken due to some reasons. It makes the readers continue reading. I would just suggest putting a comma in between growing and shifting. That makes more sense, i guess.

someone, please!

come lock my door

I too afraid that its

gonna get me

Put a comma after come. Write an "am" after I. It's missing there. It's "it's" and not "its". I just wonder if those were by any chance intentional to indicate something. The desperate feeling maybe. Who knows. Everyone has their own way of depicting things. Now this kind of reminds me of a cage, this stanza I mean. You see a cage kept somewhere out there in the middlw of nowhere, if that makes any sense. The cage can be of help escaping from the truth or reality.

Someone, please!

Lock me away

I don't want the light in my face

I tried, and I tried

to hide away

----

but I guess that wasn't enough...

The truth or whatever the bright light signified(I will have to reach the end to tell it) dawned upon the person. I like how emotional these parts are. They make the readers think about the narrator and their condition at the moment. The truth is exposed now though we don't know what it is and we will see the consequences, i assume. That is light "on" my face, I guess. The stanza somehow shows that lights win over darkness.

Now I'm a disgrace

My family not going to like

what I'm going to say...

My family is. It indicates the family pressure on the narrator. Something is gonna happen and their can be disturbances in the narrator's family for the narrator and the narrator doesn't seem to like it. The first linebof this stanza makes me think about how they are a disgrace to their family. I am quite interested at finding out the reason behind it.

I like how you repeated near about same thing in the next two stanzas. It adds a lot of emphasis in the poem and I guess it also signifies that the narrator is thinking about it in a frequent manner.

I have tried too many times

but they all said I was a disgrace

so I'm sorry

that I came out Bi

Here we go with the reason and now I can understand everything in the poem. I wonder about the family, the family should support the person instead of disliking the narrator. The narrator also doesn't need to be sorry. I like how you italicized the last 4 words. Adds emphasis.

Now there are two things that I noticed:

First, the lack of punctuations. The poem doesn't have the proper punctuations required. Sometimes it's obstructing the flow and is making the readers confused. I just wanna ask if there's any reason behind it. If there's no reason, consider putting them.

Second, the length of the stanzas. If you see the length of the stanzas, they are not uniform. Obviously, there are no rules regarding it. So, one can make the stanzas according to their own will. However extreme variations can sometimes be not-so-great. Like you see, the 6th stanza is way longer than the others. It's about 8 lines while the others are 3-5 lines. If you like, you can break it into two.

Overall, it was a great poem.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

Hello BrokenHeartsAri,
I am currently procrastinating doing homework, so I’m writing this review instead.

I’d like to first focus on the message in this poem, or at least my interpretation of it. The poem begins with you hiding from the truth (the bright lights). You are scared to come to terms with it, in fear of your family's disappointment. So you try everything in your power to stay hidden, but the light calls you to go into it. The light’s strength is stronger than your own. So when you do come out of the dark and into the light you find that your fears were true and now all you want to do is go back in the dark. (Again, this is just my interpretation of your lovely poem!) I think the message came across very well and it’s an important one to remember.
Your voice in the poem also came across incredibly well. Like in this stanza:

Someone, please!
Lock me away
I don't want the light in my face
I tried, and I tried
to hide away

I think this is due to the words that you used which hold so much meaning and emotion. That’s what made this poem so enjoyable to read.
The last thing I want to touch base on is the imagery because that was SO good! I loved how you stuck with the bright lights imagery. You brought a lot of meaning into it. It really brought a lot of meaning into the poem.

I found a few grammatical issues. They aren’t that big though.

I too afraid that its

It should be: ‘I’m’ and ‘it’s’

My family not going to like

It should be: family’s. I think you should add ‘it’ at the end too.
That’s all!

Overall I really liked this poem! I admire your courage in sharing it with us. Also congratulations on coming out as Bi! Everyone here on YWS supports you and loves you for who you are <333
I hope this review was helpful and if you have any questions feel free to ask. Keep on writing and have a great rest of your day!
- Stellarjay