Young Writers Society

Heyyo! Just dropping in to leave a few of my thoughts on this piece!

SOOOOOO first off, I want to say that you set the tone for the poem quite nicely with the title of the poem. "A place called there" automatically gives the feeling that wherever you want to be, it is somewhere you are not, which is true for the narrator and may or may not be true for the reader theirself. I also like the fact that you didn't specify a specific place, because it leaves it up to the reader's imagination and makes the place feel more abstract and less reachable. If you had named it, say, "A place called Paris" and described the narrator feeling like they could fall in love in the City of Love, then the reader could say, "Well I love this! All I'd have to do is buy a plane ticket!" With a place called there, it feels unreachable and unachievable. Maybe I'm looking too deeply into it, but I also really like the idea that even if you are in There, it still sounds like you're talking about another place. You're never here. You're never living in the moment-- you're only living in the possibilities of what the moment could be and will probably never be.

Now onto the actual poem. The way I review is I usually go section by section; with a poem your length, I'll likely incorporate quotes from most of it, talk about my ideas behind it, and if I have any slight tweaks or suggestions, I'll offer them!

A place called there

So the first line-- I can't help but wonder if this is supposed to be the starting line of the piece, or if it is supposed to be the title above the piece. If it's the starting line, then it's perfectly formatted. It feels a little off with the next line following it, but if that's how you want to start your poem then that's fine! If this is supposed to be the title of the piece, I would suggest underlining it and emboldening it, or even just including a line of space between it and the beginning of the poem so it's obvious what you're doing. If you don't separate it from the piece in some way, then it won't be obvious it is not meant to be a part of the piece. For now, I'm going to assume that this line was meant to be the title.

Everyone wants to go to a place called there.

So I don't know why, but I really like this line and the fact that it's at the very beginning. It states very bluntly that everyone, including the reader, wants to go to a place called there. There's no room for doubt, it's just a fact, which means the reader is already searching for the answer to their question of "Why do I want to go to a place called there?" instead of the question "do I want to go to a place called there?"

love
happiness
Dreams
and hope

So I do have a few questions about these lines-- for one, I love the words you chose. They all have a positive but airy feeling that can't quite be put into literal terms, which leaves there as a place that is, once again, more abstract than real. These are also all temporary words, meaning that there isn't a permanent place because these feelings come and go. So in short, I love the word choice. The questions I have: One, why is "Dreams" capitalized and the others aren't? My first reaction is that this is a typo, but if it isn't, it's a very interesting choice. I also notice that in the rest of your poem, most of the beginnings of lines are capitalized until you get towards the end. For that, I'd say that it may be best to choose one or the other-- to have the beginnings capitalized, or not capitalized. If the rest of the poem is consistent, then your decision to not capitalize these letters could mean something to the reader. Right now, it just looks like inconsistency, to put it bluntly. (If it IS a decision though, I would love to hear the reasoning behind it!)

There is a place I could be a doctor
There is a place I could be a singer
There is a place I could be a writer

I love the repetition! To stick with the rhythm from earlier with the four words (love, happiness, dreams, hope) I would love to see one more career added to this list to make it round off!

There is a place with no mental harm
There is a place where everything is just right
There is a place where I could let all my insecurities go

I'm grouping these lines together because they feel like they're all meant to flow into each other, so while I've got some thoughts just on individual lines, I didn't want to separate them. For the first line, the need to specify mental harm is an interesting choice because you begin to realize that the person isn't hurting physically, and none of the things they've talked about before then are physical problems. For the second line, it's a switch from there is a place with an absence of BLANK to there is a place with the presence of BLANK. This continues into the next line, where it's a place where you could let "all [your] insecurities go". It's an interesting switch that carries on through the rest of the poem, and could also resemble a switch in thinking. Instead of thinking about all the things that are wrong in your life, you should think about what is absent and work your way towards those things from there.

No pain
No heartbreak
I will be free

So again, I would love if you decided to add two more things to the list of "No"s just because you established a pattern the first time you did a list and it would add a lot to the beat I think. The line "I will be free" also feels a tad bit out of place. I'm trying to think of if it could be moved or rephrased, and I think that if you decided to break the poem up into some stanzas, then "I will be free" could be freestanding in its own paragraph to give it a bit more of a kick and also to let the reader know that you know it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem because it's not meant to.

I won't be able to learn right?

Okay, what a heartbreaking line. It's honestly powerful and beautiful. From my personal view, I think it might even be a bit more powerful if it were altered slightly to something like "I won't have to learn, right?" because that implies that it's not the loss of an ability to do something, but the loss of the task of doing something. In your version, it almost sounds like they want to be able to learn, whereas in this, it sounds like they don't want to and it's another reason that "there" is a place of escape.

but, I don't want to lose anyone

In all honesty, this line made me pause in confusion for a bit. I'm trying to figure out the usage of "but" in this, because it implies that not wanting to lose someone is against the sentiments previously expressed in the piece, when in actuality, it's the same sentimentality. It's throwing me off because I'm really not sure why you used 'but' there and now I'm trying to figure out if I've missed something... hmm... well, I'm just going to move on and see if I can piece it together later.

I lost one, I can't lose any more

This is the first line that really feels like it gives a shape and background to the narrator (which may be you, I'm not sure). It really is a sad line, and specific enough that it feels real.

I could be forever young

If you decided to do the thing with the line "I will be free" where it stands on its own, then I think this line would also be a good one to do the same thing later on in the piece. It feels connected to the rest of it but it also feels out of place. If you decided to do that with those lines, I might also recommend italicizing them so it looks like the narrator's voice or thoughts.

I can't leave anyone behind

So I know I skipped some lines that may be very personal for you. The reason I did that is because those lines feel very raw and real, and I don't want to mess with that when this poem may be a way for you to grieve. So I skipped to this line.

In terms of this line, I think that you could expand on this idea a little. You've gone a while without mentioning 'there' and I know that you mention it later on, but a small reminder to tie this back in could help. If you added something like "I can't leave anyone behind, I can't run off to a place called there" or something that hints at "if I go to there, then I'm leaving people behind." That way, it ties back in. (That line is just an example, by the way. I'm sure you could come up with a much better way to say it if you chose to do so.)

I'm going to have to face it
the pain
the heartbreak
the depression
the grief
the mother that can't stop crying
the father that can't look me in the eyes

So this list is more lengthy than the others, and definitely builds in intensity as it gets more and more personal. I like the fact that you start off with "I'm going to have to face it" because it shows the narrator has gotten over their fantasies of running away from the problems and has realized they're going to have to conquer them if they want them to go away. It's interesting that you didn't capitalize the beginnings of any of these lines except the first, and I'm not sure if there was a reason behind that or not but I'm pointing it out anyway. Honestly, all these lines are powerful in their own right.

[quote]I want to go to a place called there
where I"m free
but I might not survive
Everyone wants to go to a place called there

So I have some differing opinions on some of these lines... On one hand, I love that you say "I want to go to a place called there" one more time, but I also think that the narrator has changed enough in the piece that they don't want to go there anymore because they'll have to leave behind the people they love to do so. I'm really not sure what to say on this because I'm so conflicted. On one hand, it leads perfectly into the next lines, which really are spectacular. On the other hand, I feel like it just doesn't fully go along with the journey the narrator has had and I'm not sure how easily you could change it, if you even wanted to. So that's just something to give some thought to...

The last line is also something that I'm wondering about. It calls back to the first line and the title, which is cool, but again-- it feels like the narrator has progressed more than that. I would love to see an alteration of the line like "No one can go to a place called there" or something along those lines. I can't think of any other versions right now, but I'm sure you could come up with something amazing if you chose to.

OVERALL:

This piece is beautiful and really well thought through. I liked pretty much everything, and I didn't even have very many critiques I could give. I was nitpicking at best, if we're being honest here. As always, all of my suggestions are just that-- suggestions. In the end, you're the writer and the only person who knows what's best for your piece. If you decide to use any of them, great! If you decide not to, then know it's still an amazing and powerful piece. Just like every author I review, you are always welcome to discuss your piece with me further, whether here in the comments, or in PMs if you'd prefer! I check YWS pretty regularly so I'll likely see your replies pretty quickly. You are also welcome to chat about not just your piece, but writing in general, or life if you want to! I'm here for you : D

Again, this was an amazing piece, and I very much enjoyed getting to review it. Stay smart, stay strong, and stay safe!

~Winter

Hi BrokenHeartsAri,

Mailice here with a short review!

My first impression of your poem is very positive. I thought at the beginning that you were trying to create a certain joy in talking about a place called there, but I love how subliminally sombre and full of sorrow the poem becomes. It seems as if you are expressing a longing that you will shake off.

Through your constant repetitions, the poem gives the impression that the narrator is quite dissatisfied with the current situation and wants to escape this drama. You also manage to awaken a sadness in me and make me think about "what if" scenarios.

At the same time, I think the place called there could also be a dream. A place like you describe, as "No Pain / No heartbrak/ I will be free". It's that melancholy and pain inside you when you wake up after a night and realise that the most beautiful moment you experienced was just a dream. This heaviness will then accompany one the whole day and maybe even the next few days, and one wishes to go back to this "Elysium". You have truly expressed and poetically rendered a wish here that people probably all possess, whether subconsciously or consciously. They wish for nothing more than to be free from the suffering that oppresses this world.

I also had the impression that the poem tells us about the death wish and a possible suicide, where the narrator is convinced that he will be freed. Especially more in the middle of the poem with a few lines you give the impression that the narrator is also afraid of leaving everyone. Of course, this gives the whole poem a very sombre mood, which I like. By the repetitions at the beginning of what the person can be in this place, I assume this is about the Buddhist belief of being reborn after death, and starting a new life until eventually going to nirvana.

Technically, I also like the poem's layout. I thought at the beginning that the alternation between the long and short lines would irritate me, but after reading it several times, it develops a metaphorical mood that seems like a breath. With this, I refer again to the idea that it could be a death wish and you are about to do the deed.

Overall, it has a very interesting tone, combined with the many possible interpretations and thoughts that are awakened in the reader. I really like the way you make it seem like you're as smart at the end as you were at the beginning, but now also longing to visit that place called there.

Some points that struck me while reading:

Everyone wants to go to a place called there
If I go to the place called there

I find this kind of repetition a little unnecessary as it sounds too repetitive here. I would rewrite the second line here to "If I go there".

I can't leave anyone behind
I'm going to have to face it

Here I like how these two lines contrast strongly with the rest, as if you're absolutely sure you're going to do something to yourself and now come the doubts that this place called there could insert more suffering and pain than the present now.

In summary, it was a good poem. I liked it because of all these possible interpretations.

Have fun writing!

Mailice.