z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Guardian Angel (part one)

by SilloriaD


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

My dad and I moved from city to city, usually staying in a hotel until we left town as we always did, looking for a job for him. We had been to Nashville, Miami, San Francisco, you name the town and I can almost guarantee we've been there. Finally we were in Terre Haute, Indiana. I expected nothing different from before. Dad would get a job and we'd stay for about a month trying to save up money, then he would make a major slip up at work and we'd be on our way again. It was the normal thing, after all. I would just get settled into school, maybe make a few friends, and then we'd move again.

Dad promised me that when we got in Terre Haute, things would be different. We would stay here longer, maybe even buy a house and get a permanent home. I just laughed dryly and said "Of course, Dad. It's all gonna be better, right?" I sighed and looked out the window of the car. It was a Volkswagen Beetle, and it was rather fun to watch people punch each other in the arm when they saw us go by. We were in the middle of no where at the time, and all I saw were fields of corn when I looked out my window. All I had seen for the past fifteen minutes was corn fields! Was all of Terre Haute this boring? I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I pulled it out to see who texted me.

Heather, my only friend from San Francisco who still acted like my best friend. You guys move again already, Addie? it said. She called me Addie, and I really didn't mind it. It reminded me of San Francisco and how happy I was there. We had stayed there for a few months, in a hotel. I actually had gotten my hopes up. Dad ended up being an exterminator for those few months, so I was the school 'bug girl.' I actually liked bugs, though, so I tried to take it as a compliment.

Yeah. We're in Terre Haute now. Up in Indiana. A lot of cornfields. I sent back. Dad says we'll stay here for a while. He says we might stay here forever. Never wished more for the opposite. And it was true. The areas of Terre Haute we had been through seemed so boring, it made me miss Nashville with all its country idiots and rednecks. All of them there had seemed empty headed. All of them but Adam Lawrence. Adam had been my best friend there, and we spent most of our time day dreaming about running away together- as friends. His dad was rich and a big company CEO, but he was abusive. Poor Adam had bruise marks all over his back, his arms, and he was missing a few teeth. Yet Adam was the smartest kid in Nashville, despite his dad.

I had helped Adam cope, and he had a friend who let him text on his phone, so Adam and I could talk about any issues he had. And we could still day dream about running away. We always had that. Anyway, Heather replied, That bad, huh? Don't worry Addie. You'll survive it. You're a strong girl! And with that my dad finally drove into the city.

Terre Haute wasn't half bad once you got to the actual city. A lot of idiots who didn't seem to know how to drive, a few construction areas, and a lot of drive through food places. It was just like any other small town I had been to. When we pulled into the hotel, it was a Holiday Inn. The usual talking to the front desk and getting keys, then going the room. But, before he went in one room, Dad turned around and handed me an altogether different set of keys. I smiled and took the keys and ran down the hall, looking at the number on the chain. I had room 307. I bolted down the hall to the room with that number on it, carrying my bags the whole way. When I walked in, I set my things down and jumped onto the bed. I laid down and sighed. It was a Friday night, which meant no room service for some reason. After unpacking my things, I grabbed my wallet. Yes, I had money of my own. I was a bit of a gambler, and I was good at it, so of course I had money. Also, I always found odd jobs to do for a bit of money here and there. The more I could pull my own weight the less Dad had to try carrying it.

At 7:30 the streets were still busy, but the sky was dark. All the city lights made me miss the stars in sky in Nashville. They were my other friends, and I couldn't talk to them here. I went outside and walked down the street to McDonald's and bought a cheeseburger. I sat down and ate, and while I was eating, a young man walked through the door. He was way older than me, but he looked so cute. I couldn't describe him to you for the life of me, but I immediately felt my heart speed up. He didn't even buy anything. He just sat a table and looked out the window. He looked so lonely, but I didn't want to walk over and look like a creeper. I tried not to look over there, and focused on my own problems. Still, I kept looking at the man in the hoodie. Only seconds at a time, and not very much at all.

At one point a lady who worked there walked over and told him he needed to buy something or leave. He looked at her, and he started to say something. I knew he had no comeback, and so I took action. Don't ask me why- maybe I didn't want him to have to go out into the rain outside. Something told me he had walked here as well, and no one needed to be out in that mess. Besides, teenagers don't have to make sense. I ran over and said, "This is my step brother, Ma'am. I told him where I would be sitting when he got here, but he didn't seem to listen to me." I looked at him, trying to let my eyes explain my plan to him. I used the first name that came to mind. "Where have you been, Michael?" He looked at me angrily, but his eye looked playful.

"Ally, I told you to meet me over at Starbucks. But you don't listen, do you? You had your mind set on burgers, didn't you?" He said, his voice not betraying him. His eyes betrayed him big time, but the lady didn't see that. She saw siblings feuding like they always do- even if he was an awful improviser. She just smiled and went back behind the counter. We went back to my seat, which was in the back corner and practically invisible. "Now, who are you?" He said quietly. "And how do you know my name?"

I laughed. "I got your name right? I was just coming with a random name to use so the lady thought I really did know you. At any rate, I'm Adrianne Smith." I smiled at him. He smiled back, and damn if I didn't melt. He was just too nice! You could almost see the halo and the angel wings on him. "SO, who do I have the pleasure of saving today?" I asked, taking a sip of my Sprite.

"I'm Michael Anzano, and I'm a wrestler for a group called New Time Pro. We're a new group, but we've got a lot of experienced people in our group. We mostly separated from another group." I nearly spit out my Sprite. "What?" I tried to speak, but my voice wouldn't come. I couldn't breathe. Part of my last bite of cheeseburger hadn't got chewed up enough. I reached for my throat, but Michael was already performing the Heimlich maneuver, and before I knew it the cheeseburger piece had came out. I coughed hard, and realized Michael was the only one in the entire building who had moved to help me. He was the only one who had noticed me choking to begin with. "You okay?" He said, a worried smile on his face. It always seemed he was smiling.

"Yeah, I'm good." I gasped." But, you work for NTP?"

"Yeah. We've gotten a lot of new merchandise and promotional people lately." His eyes brows furrowed. " My new merchandise guy's name is Julian Smith. You know him?" I nodded, my eyes wild.

"Yeah. Julian is my dad. So... we would've met eventually anyway, right?" I said, shocked that this had happened. My immediate crush in this city was who my dad was somewhat working for. This was not going to work. He nodded, smiling.

"That thought is a good one. You'll be at the debut show, then, right?" He said, his voice full of hope. Yet,, there was a unmistakable pain in his eyes, and something else... love? Okay, that was not supposed to happen! I was fifteen, and he was.. wait a minute.

"Yeah, I'll be there. How old are you, Michael?" I asked.

"Twenty-one. Why?"

"No reason. Look, the rain outside has cleared up!" I said, smiling. I looked out the window and saw a single star in the sky. I immediately looked up and made my wish to the first star of the night. I'm not telling you what it was! "Well, I have to get back to the hotel. I'll see you at the debut show, Michael?" He nodded.

"I'll be there, Adrianne. I'll be there if it kills me." He got up and walked towards the door. Before leaving he looked back at me and he shook his head as he turned his head towards the door and left. I got up immediately and ran towards the door, depositing my trash in a trash can as I went. Don't ask me why I followed him. I'm a teenager, so I don't have to make sense. I went outside and he was gone. There was no proof that he was ever there- no proof but my aching heart crying for him. It was like my angel had flown away. I just smiled at the small star in the sky and walked home. It was only 8:00, but it felt as if we had only been in McDonald's for five minutes. And, yet, it was the best half an hour of my life. I had fallen in love, and that feeling only comes once.

But I had fallen in love with a twenty-one year old. How could that ever work? I walked by an alleyway, and I got pulled into it. A man put me up against a wall, and he held a knife to my chest."Give me all your money now, and I'll make it painless." I struggled against the hand holding me up against the wall. I thought of how horrible it would be that Michael would never get to see me at the debut show. I would never get to see him wrestle in a ring.

But then I was on the ground, not an ounce of pain in me. I still had my wallet, but the man was fighting farther down the alleyway with someone else. I did not know who my hero was at that moment, but I waited at the end of the alleyway to see him. I was surprised when I saw who had saved me. He couldn't have been following me, could he?

"Do you go looking for trouble?" He said."Honestly, I thought you would have figured out how to keep yourself safe by this age. Guess we'll have to work on that, Adrianne." It was Michael. And his head was bleeding. "Things like this wouldn't happen if you would just stay out of trouble! I've known you for a little over a half hour and you've almost got me killed!" I reached to help him, but he stepped away.

"We need to get you to a hospital, Michael." I said, worry clouding my thoughts.

"Nah, it's not as bad as it looks. Any cut on the forehead draws a lot of blood. I'll just go get this cleaned off. It'll be fine." Still in shock, I watched as he took a cloth from his pocket and wiped the blood from his face. "See? Already healing up." It was no longer bleeding, but I could see the spot he had been cut. Not a very bit opening at all. "Now, get home Adrianne. I don't have time for this." And so I did. and I didn't get a moment of sleep without him in it. Everything started out as a nightmare, but he saved me from each one. And I began to love those nightmares because of it.

I was addicted to the man with the hoodie. And I liked it way too much for it to be natural.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 499
Reviews: 1

Donate
Sat Dec 19, 2015 3:02 am
Anwarwen wrote a review...



I like her voice-the way she narrates sounds just like the protagonist of a YA novel (how fitting!). The way she talks about her drifter's lifestyle as if it isn't a big deal (it isn't, to her it's just life) also shows us a ton about her life without having to dredge up a bunch of flashbacks.

Do Holiday Inns even have room service :)

I'd love to see her meet-cute with Micheal fleshed out even more-the whole 'fall instantly in love' thing would be a lot more meaningful and believable given her sort of bleak, bitter outlook on life if Micheal sparked some happiness or curiosity in her that we could see in the tone of your narration. I DO like her 'this wasn't supposed to happen' lucidity :) Turn it up to 11!

Keep writing!




User avatar
39 Reviews


Points: 3131
Reviews: 39

Donate
Sun May 03, 2015 7:23 am
View Likes
bloodybelle01 wrote a review...



Wow, this is great, I can't wait to read more! This is a beautiful read and very interesting, I can't wait to read more. I'm already coming to conclusions and making hypothesis about what people are and what will come next. The thing that first drew me into your story is your title- Guardian Angel, seeing as I have a slight obsession with angel-like things at the moment (even my own book, Red Velvet, is about them)! I just read all of the different variations... sorry, I'm rambling. Anyway, I'm not sure if your story will include any Angels or if it was simply figurative but I don't care at this point, I'm in love with it too much!

Critiques:

1. . "Where have you been, Michael?" He looked at me angrily, but his eye looked playful. - This seems a bit contradictory? Did you mean eyes, in which case you could say 'yet.... at the same time' instead of 'but his eye looked playful'? Otherwise, change one of the parts.

It's a very special talent to make someone fall in love with your story in the first part, but you certainly possess it and I can't wait for more!




SilloriaD says...


Thank you for the review, and I'll definitely fix that!





You're very welcome!



User avatar
83 Reviews


Points: 6057
Reviews: 83

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2015 9:14 am
View Likes
EscaSkye wrote a review...



Hey there, Silloria. Happy Review Day!

All right, let's begin. First off, I find this piece very amusing. I like the characterization you did on Addie. She seems like a very realistic girl! At that age, I do think the whole idea of romance is hyped, so the falling in love at first sight thing is explainable. Also, like what Nutty said, the way you introduced other characters is nice. The transition is smooth and the nostalgia is apparent. You've got a good hand in making things realistic with a nice amount of emotion, it seems. I don't think I really found much that needs to be corrected, but there are still a few. I'll talk about them now, as Nutty seems to have covered other stuff. I'll be a tiny bit nit-picky, so I hope you won't mind.

Okay, I noticed that you tend to use the same words in close proximity. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is distracting at times. I suggest that you change it up and use some synonyms, that way, it won't feel so repetitive. I believe this happened twice: once when you kept using "town" and another somewhere in the middle that I don't quote remember... I believe it was in the wrestling part though!

Next, I'd like you link you to this article as it seems that you need to be cleared up on quite a few things on the topic of dialogue punctuation. A quick proofread and I believe you'll be able to fix all these up!

Now, this last one is actually just a typo, but here it is:

Yet,, there was a unmistakable pain in his eyes, mixed with love.

Just remove the second comma and you're good to go!

Well, that's pretty much it. Good luck and keep writing! If you don't mind, I'd love it if you would ping me when you update. I'd love to follow and review this work. Cheers! :)




User avatar
280 Reviews


Points: 794
Reviews: 280

Donate
Tue Mar 24, 2015 8:03 am
View Likes
Nutty wrote a review...



Hey! Welcome to YWS!

My dad and I moved from town to town, usually staying in a hotel until we leave the town as we always did, looking for a job for him.

I'm always particularly interested in opening lines, and this is a pretty darn good one! It introduces two characters, a place (of sorts) and an action, and that's pretty cool. The one thing I might nitpick (and it is a nitpick) is the use of 'leave the town' rather than 'left'. I think it would get your message across the same in a more condensed manner, and also fit a little better with the past tense you've set up. You could also try 'left town' if you feel the 'town' is an important word to keep.

It was a Volkswagon Beetle, and it was rather fun to watch people punch each other in the arm when they saw us go by.


Man, that is a game I had totally forgotten about. It's a cool little detail to include, I think a lot of people would relate to it!

Dad promised me that when we got in Terre Haute, things would be different. We would stay here longer, maybe even buy a house and get a permanent home. I just laughed dryly and said "Of course, Dad. It's all gonna be better, right?" I sighed and looked out the window of the car. It was a Volkswagon Beetle, and it was rather fun to watch people punch each other in the arm when they saw us go by. We were in the middle of no where at the time, and all I saw were fields of corn when I looked out my window. All I had seen for the past fifteen minutes was corn fields! Was all of Terre Haute this boring? I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I pulled it out to see who texted me.


Again, totally a nitpick. The paragraph as a whole seems to float from topic to topic, introducing three new ideas/actions in one little package. You have the discussion with dad, the scenery/travel, and finally a text. I personally would break this up a little- It make mean a sentence is basically on its own in a paragraph, and I don't know how you feel about that- but it would probably help the flow of ideas be a little clearer. If you give just that tiny little breathing space between each idea, you can give them a little more punch, and avoid confusing them a little.

You guys move again already, Addie? it said. She called me Addie, and I really didn't mind it. It reminded me of San Fransico and how happy I was there. We had stayed there for a few months, in a hotel. I actually had gotten my hopes up there.
This is such a sweet little image to introduce a new character. It feels nostalgic! I'd probably cut the second there' after 'hopes up', but I get weird when two sentences finish with the same word right after another and it doesn't feel deliberate. Take the advice with a grain of salt.


But, before he went in one room, Dad turned around and handed me an altogether different set of keys. I knew immediately he was having me stay in another room.


I think you could probably cut out the last line here- the fact he handed the main character another set of keys, and then she smiled and ran off, gets the message across- and saves you a tiny bit of exposition. Trust your reader to add two and two to make four. =)

I bolted down the hall to the room with that number on it, carrying my bags the whole way.
Same deal here- you probably don't need to clarify that the room had the number on it.

"I'm Michael Anzano, and I'm a wrestler for a group called New Time Pro. We're a new group, but we've got a lot of experienced people in our group. We mostly separated from another group." I nearly spit out my Sprite. "What?" He looked worried about me. I couldn't breathe. Part of my last bite of cheeseburger hadn't got chewed up enough. I reached for my throat, but Michael was already performing the heimlich maneuver, and before I knew it the cheeseburger piece had came out.


Now I know your emphasis is on how dreamy he is- it comes with the romance territory, haha! - but I think here you should prioritize your protagonist's health. So in laying out the scene, you should probably put the fact she can't breathe in front of his worried look- it won't undermine his concern, but it will give some punch to the action, and a sense of danger to the scene.

"That thought is a good one. You'll be at the debut show, then, right?" He said, his voice full of hope. Yet,, there was a unmistakable pain in his eyes, mixed with love. Okay, that was not supposed to happen! I was fifteen, and he was.. wait a minute.

Now, if it's actually love literally in his eyes right now, it might be a bit...quick? Romance stories are filled with tension and slow build, and does-he-like-me-does-he-nots, misunderstandings and sweet drama. Escalating from "cute boy" to "he loves me" within two paragraphs might undermine the payout of the story a little. Now, if it's just her wishful thinking and imagination getting away on her- it's still pretty quick, but probably fairly in character. If it's the latter, you should maybe clarify it a little- she thinks she sees love, and it's not unmistakable. It's a question- can it really be true?

"Twenty-one. Why?"
just be aware, if the story does pay out with romance- which often comes with intimacy of a physical nature, on whatever level- you're probably going to make a lot of potential readers uncomfortable with this dynamic. Underage partners with older partners are a very sensitive topic, and there's very few ways it could go happily and feel appropriate.

If it's a story about a teenager crushing on an older man and dealing with the feelings that come with that, that has some interesting potential! But as soon as anything happens between them, it feels inappropriate. If you still want a "older man" kind of dynamic- and I understand the appeal- I'd knock up her age a few years. If she's seventeen or eighteen, and he's twenty one- that's still a significant gap that could cause some interesting tension- she's still in highschool, albeit a senior, for example, while he's a working man- while at least making anything they do escalate to at least legal (depending where you live), if not socially normal. Even if the story is 100% only kissing in the end, an adult man with a fifteen year old (before age of consent in my country, and in most) brings up a lot of issues you probably don't want to have to deal with in a cute love story.

Overall, this is super cute. The story has an earnest, lovable feel- the excitement of a teenage crush is a popular premise, and for good reason! You capture it well. I like your style, and with a little polish, it could really shine. Just be aware of the contexts you introduce with an underage character and an adult, and weigh it up- do you really want to deal with those themes? They will give a darker undertone than you intend, if you're not careful.




SilloriaD says...


So, first of all, I want to thank you a lot more than I possibly could. I originally posted this story on a different site, and it's been there for three years. In one review, you have given me more feedback overall then I ever got there for the entire first eleven chapters. Thank you so much.

I'm glad someone caught some of my little oddities for writing. My extra "town"s and a few mess ups with "there" seem to have gotten past me even with all of my editing. Thanks! I'll fix those right away, though a newly edited version will probably take a while to prepare.

That paragraph that seem to float around a lot is purposefully so. It's kind of a hidden joke between a friend of mine and I when she was going through the first chapter with me. Adrianne and her father tend to move around quite a bit, and so did that paragraph. It might not seem so funny until you actually sit and think about it.

You may be right about the thing about pain and love in his eyes. That's probably far too soon for this character to think he's in love with her. Yet, she's a teenager, and this story is through her eyes. If she thinks she might see something there, she may jump to certain conclusions. I was more going for the pain being unmistakable, and the love just being there. I didn't mean to make them both seem to be described that way. That was an accident on my part, and I will attempt to fix it.

Jumping back a bit, I'm glad you enjoyed my opening line. To be honest, when I first wrote this, that was my line. I have kept it from the beginning, with some small changes. Your suggestion will definitely be one of those changes.

Let me assure you now, this will be no light, cute love story. It's rated the way it is for a reason. The rating might even change. I want my dark tones inside this. I purposefully brought a touchy subject into my story, and I think that will not change how well it goes. I think that some people might disagree with it, but others won't care and will be enjoying it enough to continue anyway. I make the joke sometimes that, these two might have quite a few years between them, but Edward and Bella were quite a bit farther apart when you think about it, and they're very popular.

I'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind. However, I think I will send the via PM.

Once again, your review is greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read :-)



Nutty says...


@SilloriaD You're very welcome! Feel free to PM me anytime if you need anything. =D




sometimes i don't consider myself a poet but then i remember that i literally write poetry
— chikara