z

Young Writers Society


12+

Behind the Silken Curtain: Prologue

by IngridZaroya


Prologue: A Change in the Wind

I think the last thing any of us expected was that she would take power after the death of the king.

She was a kind woman, a strong woman. She was a woman who could possess any man, drive him to madness. She was the kind of woman who could lead an army, feed a starving child, and take a lover to her bed, all in the same moment, it seemed.

But she was a woman nonetheless, and a woman had never sat on the throne of Alrina. The men growled and grumbled, the women stared in awe as she passed, because she was so different. So beautiful, so kind and so wise, easily filling in after the King’s tragic death, which robbed the people of both a leader and friend. The Queen commanded the council, the laws, the army, and in the end, the kingdom itself, with no glance towards the possible lineages of the king. Her grace and beauty knew no bounds. She was clever as an old Jamed priest, and cunning as the landlord of an inconspicuous inn. She seemed to understand the pain of the people, to relate to their hardships. In a time of famine, war, and children missing from the streets, and the darkness which ensared the land, she appeared a ray of light strong enough to break the cursed fog of misfortune that hung low over the land. And so, in a way, her entrance was hated and loved in equal parts.

To some, she was a goddess.

To some, a villain.

To some, she was the spark to restart the fires of the gods.

To some, she was the end of the world.

How was it that I, only I, would be able to see her for what she truly was? How was it that I was to become close enough to touch, and yet, so far from all that seemed important? How was it that everything I held dear would be called into questions of love, loyalty, betrayal, and deception? One thing was ultimately clear to me. The Queen meant more to me than anyone in the world. More than any man, more than any food or money or clothing. More than life. She was my hero.

A wise man once said, the higher you are, the farther you have to fall.


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Wed Jun 23, 2021 10:28 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: At first glance, sounds like an awesome prologue, manages to tick pretty much all the boxes that you expect from one of these as far as I can see and its a really cool premise too.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I think the last thing any of us expected was that she would take power after the death of the king.

She was a kind woman, a strong woman. She was a woman who could possess any man, drive him to madness. She was the kind of woman who could lead an army, feed a starving child, and take a lover to her bed, all in the same moment, it seemed.


Okay, well that certainly sounds like a pretty interesting woman, hopefully that is going to be the main character, cause it looks like a pretty cool monarch there...at any rate, that's a pretty neat pitch for that character here to start this prologue off.

But she was a woman nonetheless, and a woman had never sat on the throne of Alrina. The men growled and grumbled, the women stared in awe as she passed, because she was so different. So beautiful, so kind and so wise, easily filling in after the King’s tragic death, which robbed the people of both a leader and friend. The Queen commanded the council, the laws, the army, and in the end, the kingdom itself, with no glance towards the possible lineages of the king. Her grace and beauty knew no bounds. She was clever as an old Jamed priest, and cunning as the landlord of an inconspicuous inn. She seemed to understand the pain of the people, to relate to their hardships. In a time of famine, war, and children missing from the streets, and the darkness which ensared the land, she appeared a ray of light strong enough to break the cursed fog of misfortune that hung low over the land. And so, in a way, her entrance was hated and loved in equal parts.


Okay...a lovely start there, I do see how this sort of transition appears to be unheard of in that country with no woman having ever sat on the throne but this description of how she manages to do a wonderful job with people if not outright loving it, accepting it as a majority and not creating any sort of unusual chaos with the fact that she's a woman is a wonderful touch that already makes me like the world that this story is set in. And it certainly sounds like a character like that would make for an awesome ruler.

To some, she was a goddess.

To some, a villain.

To some, she was the spark to restart the fires of the gods.

To some, she was the end of the world.


OKay, well that is a lot of version of the same person, but I do love how diverse that makes the people of the world be, it certainly gives everything in the story a bit more depth to see there are multiple opinions about this ruler here, and certainly adds to making everything seem a bit more realistic in that sense.

How was it that I, only I, would be able to see her for what she truly was? How was it that I was to become close enough to touch, and yet, so far from all that seemed important? How was it that everything I held dear would be called into questions of love, loyalty, betrayal, and deception? One thing was ultimately clear to me. The Queen meant more to me than anyone in the world. More than any man, more than any food or money or clothing. More than life. She was my hero.

A wise man once said, the higher you are, the farther you have to fall.


Okay...soo I suppose this is being told from the point of view of someone who holds the queen in very high regard, although I can't really seem to find any clues as to what the exact relationship between the two of them might be here...at any rate, this is pretty intriguing cause it looks like this is someone who would be a bit biased. And that last line, if that doesn't smell ominous...

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a pretty solid prologue, I really do love the character of the queen here and this point of view we're getting seems pretty interesting. I'd definitely have continued reading after seeing this as the prologue. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Mar 29, 2015 7:09 am
FaulknerCannes wrote a review...



I have to say, despite making the same errors myself, you've done a lot of 'telling' here instead of showing, and that just doesn't pique my interest. Although you've done quite a good amount of showing (particularly in the third paragraph) on how she understood the pain of the people, to show why she was hated and loved at the same time, I feel that more details could be described.

You said that she could possess any man and drive him to madness, but I'm not shown how she does so, thus I'm not convinced she could do so. Describe her beauty, her features a little; don't need to go overboard, but you could add a sentence or two talking about how men fall head over heels over her seductive blue eyes or soft lips, something like that. It's not prose when the descriptions are used to emphasize the point you're trying to tell.

And then there's this:

She was clever as an old Jamed priest, and cunning as the landlord of an inconspicuous inn.

Clever and cunning how? Show us by adding a little detail. You don't have to spin another story based on this sentence alone, but at least tell us about the 'cunning' actions she had performed in the past to show us how she is cunning.

To some, she was a goddess.

To some, a villain.

To some, she was the spark to restart the fires of the gods.

To some, she was the end of the world.

All of this feels contrived and redundant and could be replaced with more details on how she acts like a goddess or a villain.

Until you show us the 'how' and 'why' she is what the protagonist, the narrator described her as, the readers would have very little reason to care.




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Sun Mar 29, 2015 7:08 am
donizback wrote a review...



Hey! Hey! Hey!
This is pure class! Lovely stuff. You are just awesome. What a story this is gonna be.
I usually don't review stories but since it is a review day, and my team needs me to do something for them to win this, I am gonna review this story.

I didn't really like the title but that description was kinda awesome. I read it and smiled and decided to read and review this story. And believe me, I loved it. And I am surely gonna stick around and read the entire novel as you post the chapters on here.

Well, most of the stuff, I would have loved to said or picked to talk about, was already said by EscaSkye. He/she did a really good job in telling you all the nitpicks so I don't think repeating will help.
But one extra thing, the sentences you wrote were kinda short. I mean, I can there are too many periods on this. Why not try to use more exclamation marks, semi colons and stuff? I think that'd be a decent, right?

Overall, as I said earlier, it is just a clear beauty! I loved it.
Good luck with it and I am sure this novel will be a great success.




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Sun Mar 29, 2015 1:30 am
EscaSkye wrote a review...



Hey, Ingrid. Happy Review Day!

Okay then. I like the tension you're setting up here. I could tell right off the bat that this reign will shake society up a bit, especially since it seems like you're hinting that women are somewhat treated as second class citizens in the story's world. I also appreciate that you kept this prologue short, as there are quite a few prologues I've seen that are quite long, and sometimes, long enough to appear as if it was a chapter to the novel. By the way... is that foreshadowing I see at the end? If so, you have hooked me to this novel. I sense an impending tragedy about to strike, and I get the feeling that the persona is a person of the court.

Yep, you've definitely got me hooked. :P

The praise aside for now, there are still some things I want to call your attention to. They're mostly nit-picky stuff, but I hope you don't mind.

She was a woman who could possess any man, drive him to madness.

I believe that instead of a comma, the word "and" would suit this sentence better.

The men growled and grumbled, the women stared in awe as she passed, because she was so different.

I've pretty much got the same comment on this line to the one above, but this time, instead of the first comma, I'd suggest that you use "whereas"; by then, I believe you can erase the second comma.

In a time of famine, war, and children missing from the streets, and the darkness which ensared the land, she appeared a ray of light strong enough to break the cursed fog of misfortune that hung low over the land.

Whoops, I spot a typo. You forgot to add an "n" in "ensnared". Aside from that, I removed the first "and" because it was placed in the middle of a list.

I believe that's all the nit-picks I have. Good job, Ingrid, and keep writing! Would you mind if I ask you to ping me whenever you update this novel? I want to see how this plays out. Cheers.





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— LadyBug