Young Writers Society

Hey Eros!

Nice to see you around again.

I feel like this was a really relatable poem about being nervous or anxious and overthinking things after the fact, especially when there's a lot riding on it -- like a first meeting! And it sounds like this is based in your personal experience... I just want to say it doesn't sound like you messed up. This stuff can be really hard to navigate, especially if you're (like the title) socially anxious.

Anyway, I think a poem was a nice way to sort of process that feeling, and you do a nice job of showing readers the progression of the date, and, true to the title, the anxiety.

I think one thing you could do is get away from the storyline, just a little. You're writing a poem, so there's a lot that you can do that wouldn't necessarily have a place in an ordinary narrative and that might help convey your emotions in a neat way.

Here's an example:

I walked upto you,
self conscious about my faulty walk;
my social anxiety started to bud,
but waves of shyness swept off a bit of the angst.

Hypnotized by your eyes, I felt as if I was being carried away
like a paper boat with the waves of water,
like a dandelion with the air currents,
simultaneously being restless and uncontrolled.

In the first stanza, there's a lot going on! There's self-consciousness, some sort of "faulty walk" (but not sure in what way or if it's just in the narrator's head?), which is a little hard to picture, plus social anxiety, shyness and angst. It seemed like a lot of different emotions named off to me, which was a little hard to juggle!

In the second quoted stanza, I like how you focus in on "being restless and uncontrolled." Instead of flitting back and forth between different emotions and naming them, you focus in on being restless and uncontrolled throughout the stanza, and you convey it in a really nice way with the imagery. You use two images which both support the emotions you talk about in the last line, and it's really well done.

While you don't have to use so much metaphorical imagery throughout the whole poem -- after all, it's rooted in an event! -- it might help to hone in on a couple of emotions or themes, especially within stanzas. I think that might also make it seem a little less like trying to recount exactly what happened and more like the poetic essence of what happened. I'm not sure if that makes sense to you, let me know if not!

Sort of going along with that, I wish we could have seen more of a build-up of anxiety, or felt a little more what that anxiety was like. We see the narrator talking a bit about "shyness," but that doesn't seem abnormal for a first date situation, and in fact, with "I smiled some, I blushed some," it really seems like things are going fine!

Then, sort of suddenly, this happens:

The pizza was ready,
and I tried to pick up a slice,
but could not pick up,
everything was just so difficult.
--

I fucked up,
my social axiety took control over me,
I wasn't realising what was happening,
all I remember is just your hiss.
--

You asked me to put the slice down,
and rest my hands on the table;
I looked at my hands,
perhaps they were shaking.
--

I calmed down almost immediately,
glanced at you,
picked the slice up,
and things came back in control.

Sorry for such a long quote, but this section feels to me like it's really the core event of this poem. So a couple of things here, just sort of going in order.

First of all, I LOVE the way you describe not being able to pick up the piece of pizza, and the fixation on that. I think that really, to me, describes the feeling of being anxious and flustered more than just saying that, this action of trying and failing to pick up a piece of pizza. I would love to see more like that in this poem, just the actions that convey the anxiety.

Then, in the next stanza, WHOA. You bust out with some strong language, the first and only time this appears in the poem. (For the record, I think the poem needs an 18+ rating and maybe a language tag, just because this is a site for young writers and not all users might be comfortable with that kind of strong language! Content rating guidelines can be found here Content Ratings Guidelines)

This stanza really felt like it came out of nowhere for me. Yes, there was anxiety, but there was also, I think, a lot of sweet things! And although the pizza stanza perfectly captured that sort of helpless feeling of anxiety, it felt like a big jump to say the narrator messed up the entire evening because of this. Especially when, just one stanza later, the date in question is successfully helping the narrator calm down!

That second part seemed really sweet to me, actually, and I liked that last stanza especially: the narrator gets back in control and no one seems the worse for wear.

I totally get the feeling of thinking you messed everything up, but maybe in that stanza you could sort of qualify it as such. You could say, for example, "In that moment, I thought I'd messed everything up" (or with stronger language or whatever!). Then, it would seem like things calmed down, but then they're still unsure at the end how things will go. But I think language like that might soften the harshness a bit.

I also had one other question on this part -- the guy in this poem hissed? Not sure if... maybe this was a more important moment than I thought and the couple actually *kissed* instead? I wasn't quite sure what was going on there.

Ah, I wish we knew how the evening ended!

Am sorry for being so quiet,
I feel like I decieved you,
On texts I was so different,
in reality, a junk.

This stanza (and the next two) made me feel so heartbroken for the narrator! <3 I'm sure it just takes some time to warm up, and again, parts of this poem were so sweet that I feel sure the second person can't dislike the narrator. I think in these last few stanzas is where a lot of the overthinking and anxiety come to light. I wonder if there was more anxiety/overanalyzing after the fact than during the actual date? Or if it was both? Would love to see some more of the difference between during and after, or even a little bit of before.

I almost feel like you don't need the very last stanza, because it doesn't seem like become a better version of oneself is really what this poem is about, at least to me. It seems more focused on where the relationship is going and the anxiety about it! So I felt like that question in the second-to-last stanza, "when you come back to this city / Will you meet me again?" really poignantly captured all of that without the need to explain further. But up to you and how you feel the poem is best completed!

Thanks for publishing this, and again, I really hope you don't feel too bad about whatever your experiences were like! I thought this poem was very sweet and a little sad, but definitely hopeful as well. It's a really nice way of encapsulating that kind of experience and emotions, especially the overthinking part. And it's really relatable! Thank you for sharing your work, let me know if you have any questions.

-Q