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E - Everyone

on the outside

by Emivanz1


This is a short poem that I quickly wrote up, I do not have much poetic expirience but I needed to get this on paper, (well computer screen)

On the outside 

we all seem fine

on the outside

we all are in line

on the outside 

we all fit the design

on the inside

we are not all fine

on the inside

we are not all in line

on the inside

we do not fit the design


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Sat Feb 27, 2021 5:49 pm
illy7896 wrote a review...



I like the constant structure of this poem, it's very fluent to read and it flows effectively. It reminds me of a dystopian fiction movie where people have to blend in to society, and then you begin to realise that that's our world today.
My favourite line was:

'on the outside

we all are in line'

because I feel like by combining the two words outside and line, it leaves a strong impression on the audience.

Maybe, could you have the opposite lines joined together like Spearmint said? And then you could replace the second word for one that rhymes with the other:

'On the outside,
we are all in line
On the inside,
There is only chaos and crime'

This is completely up to you, and the poem is awesome the way it is.

I enjoyed reading this :)




Emivanz1 says...


Thank you so very much for your review!



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Wed Feb 24, 2021 6:22 pm
CaptainJack says...



I reviewed the other posting of this poem and then I saw your note about mistakenly double posting. If you'd like, I can give you some points to make up for the 200 spent with this mistake from the points I got for reviewing your work.




Emivanz1 says...


thank you so much that would be very helpful.



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Wed Feb 24, 2021 6:17 pm
esthersanti1600 says...



Hello! I also don't have a ton of experience with poetry, so my opinion isn't quite as seasoned as I would like it to be. I would like to say that I am always impressed with people who keep up rhyme schemes. I have always struggled with them, and keeping a steady beat and rhyme here was a feat. That being said, I think you can stray from it a bit if you want! One of the problems with rhyme schemes is that if you have more to say, you can get stuck in the rhyme and not be able to say it. I feel like you had a lot more to say with this poem, so feel free to do away with this particular rhyming pattern and say it! Fantastic work, and I love the message of this piece!




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Tue Feb 23, 2021 9:57 pm
Spearmint wrote a review...



Hi, this is Spearmint here for a quick review! First off, I admire your dedication to getting your ideas down— too often, I end up forgetting my own ideas... so yeah, it’s great that you were able to type up this poem! Also, I liked your point about how we’re all not as fine or perfect as we may seem; there’s a real honesty in that. It reminds me of the song “Truth be Told” by Matthew West (“I say I’m fine, yeah I’m fine, oh I’m fine, hey I’m fine, but I’m not...”). So yeah, nice start!
One thing I think would make your poem even better is to add some kind of transition between the two parts (“are” and “are not”). For example, maybe you could do something like:
on the outside
we all fit the design
*but...*
on the inside
we are not all fine...
And also if you’re planning to extend this poem, I’d suggest adding more to the end about what we can do, or what we should change, so that our outsides harmonize with our insides. Like, maybe something about how it’s okay to not be fine?
Those are just my thoughts; overall I really enjoyed your poem and I hope you’ll keep writing! :D




Emivanz1 says...


thank you for the review! I have never heard that song before so i will check it out!



Spearmint says...


Oh yeah, %u201CTruth be Told%u201D is actually a Christian contemporary song, so I don%u2019t think most people have heard of it lol. But I like it, it feels a lot more genuine to me than love songs and stuff, because it%u2019s so true that we often feel like we need to be perfect when in reality none of us are. Okay, that was my philosophical thought of the day XD.
Also you%u2019re welcome for the review; it was a pleasure to do! (Heh that rhymes :p)



Emivanz1 says...


:D



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Mon Feb 22, 2021 11:08 pm
Emivanz1 says...



Hi this is the author in for a quick note, this was NOT meant to be in essays and articles. It WAS supposed to be in poems and general. so sorry for the mix up.





They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same.
— Kurt Cobain