Author's Note: "To A Boy I Saw in the Supermarket Once" is my working title, and if anyone has an idea for a better one, I'm open to suggestions.
Star-like dreams are spinning into constellations
Innocent and naive, they resemble curious children,
Those wide-eyed darlings who like to wander at fairs
And pluck cotton candy from the hands of passerby.
With them are the hearts flooded with oceans of color
Who splash their soulful splash across the sky
And rend null the silence that fills the caverns
Of endless obeisance in the regions of my mind.
The truth is, I love you. I said this before
And watched my intention shrivel like a leaf
Crushed beneath the foot of fear, an imprint
Soon erased by the gentle rain of time.
I traced my form in the mud along the riverbank
But the tides are merciless. And my current
Cannot compete with the destination that soon
Finds itself bearing the heartbeat of my longing.
But still, I love you, and still I say it
Even if the only listener is trapped
In the web-like lines of my palm
That map, a future seen only by the blind.
The clouds above me clutch their milky pearls
As they, too, spin. Like horses, racing across the plains
They gallop into the erstwhile dance of midnight moons
And the rhythm of their waltzes is what propels me
Through the caves, I dive into the river of secrets
And follow the touch of gold to the entrance
Where first the stars sparkled in a trumpet of hope
And I, weary planet, first forgot my ordained orbit.
Descend, the trumpets say. Fall far to the Earth.
Here, Joy may be hoarded more carefully than time
But the sun shines, and sometimes, if the time be right
We smile. We smile, and I say / that is /
Enough for me.
Sometimes you can really like someone even if only for a fleeting glance.In this case,it’s towards a boy at the supermarket.The imagery you used is just WOW.Like I could never.Loved how you described the ever-so changing feelings of the narrator.I was thinking that maybe “star-crossed lovers” would be a better title because you mention stars and how magical their love seems.Just a thought! I hope that you will have a beautiful day/night.
this poem is BEAUTIFUL. thank you for writing it. I love your whimsical use of words and the odd and magical story they tell
this poem is BEAUTIFUL. thank you for writing it. I love your whimsical use of words and the odd and magical story they tell
Hi there, Em!
From what I gather this seems to be a love poem, in which the speaker expresses their feelings towards the titular boy.
Language
I thought the imagery here was really evocative. There is a broadness in the motifs you use, but the cosmic imagery at the beginning and at the end ties it all together quite nicely.
And watched my intention shrivel like a leaf
Crushed beneath the foot of fear, an imprint
Soon erased by the gentle rain of time.
Innocent and naive, they resemble curious children,
.clouds above me clutch their milky pearls
And I, weary planet, first forgot my ordained orbit.
The truth is, I love you. I said this before
But still, I love you, and still I say it
This is absolutely beautiful! Your choice of vocabulary is really expressive without it coming off like you're trying too hard to be overly metaphorical. The piece flows very well and I'm absolutely in love with it.
Also, I think your working title actually really suits the poem in a way I can't quite put my finger on, but I may also be biased because I enjoy titles like that one. Keep up the good work!!
A very beautiful poem, I like it very much. Especially the way you describe everything, one can clearly imagine everything in one's mind.
You have a good way of describing things visually. It was a lot of fun to read it and pause for a short while to think about the word choice. I'm looking forward to seeing what else you write.
Hey! Rida here for a review!
So, I loved the poem, it was filled with imagery and it made the poem more beautiful. I think you could improve the last stanza, make it a bit easier or the ending a bit more..... ending-y.
I’m not great with reviews.
Author's Note: "To A Boy I Saw in the Supermarket Once" is my working title, and if anyone has an idea for a better one, I'm open to suggestions.
Well, you could try a kind of humorous poem next. Like.... a mixture of politics and humour.
Or you could write about how once, the moon too, had its own light, but how it was stolen and now the moon’s helpless, but still searching for its light, and you could blend this with reality. Just a suggestion. Anyway, I am not great with this stuff but...
“ And pluck cotton candy from the hands of passerby.”
Instead of ‘passerby’ it should be ‘passers-by’.
Other than that, I think this poem is awesome!
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