Young Writers Society

Hi there, Em!

From what I gather this seems to be a love poem, in which the speaker expresses their feelings towards the titular boy.

Language

I thought the imagery here was really evocative. There is a broadness in the motifs you use, but the cosmic imagery at the beginning and at the end ties it all together quite nicely.

And watched my intention shrivel like a leaf
Crushed beneath the foot of fear, an imprint
Soon erased by the gentle rain of time.

The switch between “crushed beneath the foot of fear” and “gentle rain of time” could be a bit jarring, as it happens within the space of a few lines. It just doesn’t seem to reflect in the form the idea of time passing, so there’s a sort of dissonance between the language used and the pacing. Other than that, I like how specific you are with the images, especially here, for instance a shrivelled leaf is something really small but helps convey the sense of an intention lost.

Innocent and naive, they resemble curious children,

I personally thought a metaphor would have been better here rather than a simile or an explicit comparison, since the previous line already makes a comparison with "star-like". Writing something like "Innocent and naive, these curious children" would have worked as well and mixed up the techniques a bit. Take it or leave it, though, as sometimes a simile is necessary to say what you mean to say .

clouds above me clutch their milky pearls

This image felt a bit out of place to me. I guess it's a play on 'clutching your pearls', but that phrase is usually used in the context of fear or running away. How does that "propel" the speaker, I wonder?

And I, weary planet, first forgot my ordained orbit.

I love this line! As I said, bringing it back to that cosmic imagery gives the piece a nice bit of symmetry. I also interpreted a narrative of ‘learning to be content’ in how travelling deep into the earth seems to bring the speaker back to the “star-like dreams” they started off with.

Structure

The truth is, I love you. I said this before

I like how this line mixes up the rhythm. The line length in this poem is generally long, which can give the piece a bit of a rambly flow, so I think it's good to have lines that break that pattern to draw the reader's attention to certain parts.

But still, I love you, and still I say it

The repetition does give a sense of constancy to the speaker's love, which contrasts nicely with the imagery that seems to change in motif with each stanza.

Towards the final stanza, there are more structural techniques that break the pattern. I think that makes the ending have more impact, especially the short two-word line at the very end. I'm not quite sure how the slashes around 'that is' affect the piece for me? I didn't find them disruptive or anything, but I just noticed that was the only place you used them.

Miscellaneous

I do like the title you have already. It contrasts with the poem a lot, sure, and may be a bit jarring since it's a 'realistic' title to a fantastical poem, but I think it could also be a nice surprise. Almost carries a meta message about there being fantastical feelings in even mundane encounters like seeing someone at the supermarket.

That's all

Overall, this was a pretty gripping read, with a strong sense of narrative and evocative imagery and structural flow to boot.

Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!

Cheers,
-Lim