Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Fantasy


To A Boy I Saw in the Supermarket Once

by Em16


Author's Note: "To A Boy I Saw in the Supermarket Once" is my working title, and if anyone has an idea for a better one, I'm open to suggestions.

Star-like dreams are spinning into constellations
Innocent and naive, they resemble curious children,
Those wide-eyed darlings who like to wander at fairs
And pluck cotton candy from the hands of passerby.

With them are the hearts flooded with oceans of color
Who splash their soulful splash across the sky
And rend null the silence that fills the caverns
Of endless obeisance in the regions of my mind.

The truth is, I love you. I said this before
And watched my intention shrivel like a leaf
Crushed beneath the foot of fear, an imprint
Soon erased by the gentle rain of time.

I traced my form in the mud along the riverbank
But the tides are merciless. And my current
Cannot compete with the destination that soon
Finds itself bearing the heartbeat of my longing.

But still, I love you, and still I say it
Even if the only listener is trapped
In the web-like lines of my palm
That map, a future seen only by the blind.

The clouds above me clutch their milky pearls
As they, too, spin. Like horses, racing across the plains
They gallop into the erstwhile dance of midnight moons
And the rhythm of their waltzes is what propels me

Through the caves, I dive into the river of secrets
And follow the touch of gold to the entrance
Where first the stars sparkled in a trumpet of hope
And I, weary planet, first forgot my ordained orbit.

Descend, the trumpets say. Fall far to the Earth.
Here, Joy may be hoarded more carefully than time
But the sun shines, and sometimes, if the time be right
We smile. We smile, and I say / that is /
Enough for me. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Thu Feb 18, 2021 7:58 pm



this poem is BEAUTIFUL. thank you for writing it. I love your whimsical use of words and the odd and magical story they tell




User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Thu Feb 18, 2021 7:58 pm



this poem is BEAUTIFUL. thank you for writing it. I love your whimsical use of words and the odd and magical story they tell




User avatar
124 Reviews


Points: 9765
Reviews: 124

Donate
Thu Jan 28, 2021 12:59 pm
View Likes
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there, Em!

From what I gather this seems to be a love poem, in which the speaker expresses their feelings towards the titular boy.

Language

I thought the imagery here was really evocative. There is a broadness in the motifs you use, but the cosmic imagery at the beginning and at the end ties it all together quite nicely.

And watched my intention shrivel like a leaf
Crushed beneath the foot of fear, an imprint
Soon erased by the gentle rain of time.


The switch between “crushed beneath the foot of fear” and “gentle rain of time” could be a bit jarring, as it happens within the space of a few lines. It just doesn’t seem to reflect in the form the idea of time passing, so there’s a sort of dissonance between the language used and the pacing. Other than that, I like how specific you are with the images, especially here, for instance a shrivelled leaf is something really small but helps convey the sense of an intention lost.

Innocent and naive, they resemble curious children,

I personally thought a metaphor would have been better here rather than a simile or an explicit comparison, since the previous line already makes a comparison with "star-like". Writing something like "Innocent and naive, these curious children" would have worked as well and mixed up the techniques a bit. Take it or leave it, though, as sometimes a simile is necessary to say what you mean to say :) .

clouds above me clutch their milky pearls


This image felt a bit out of place to me. I guess it's a play on 'clutching your pearls', but that phrase is usually used in the context of fear or running away. How does that "propel" the speaker, I wonder?

And I, weary planet, first forgot my ordained orbit.


I love this line! As I said, bringing it back to that cosmic imagery gives the piece a nice bit of symmetry. I also interpreted a narrative of ‘learning to be content’ in how travelling deep into the earth seems to bring the speaker back to the “star-like dreams” they started off with.

Structure

The truth is, I love you. I said this before


I like how this line mixes up the rhythm. The line length in this poem is generally long, which can give the piece a bit of a rambly flow, so I think it's good to have lines that break that pattern to draw the reader's attention to certain parts.

But still, I love you, and still I say it


The repetition does give a sense of constancy to the speaker's love, which contrasts nicely with the imagery that seems to change in motif with each stanza.

Towards the final stanza, there are more structural techniques that break the pattern. I think that makes the ending have more impact, especially the short two-word line at the very end. I'm not quite sure how the slashes around 'that is' affect the piece for me? I didn't find them disruptive or anything, but I just noticed that was the only place you used them.

Miscellaneous

I do like the title you have already. It contrasts with the poem a lot, sure, and may be a bit jarring since it's a 'realistic' title to a fantastical poem, but I think it could also be a nice surprise. Almost carries a meta message about there being fantastical feelings in even mundane encounters like seeing someone at the supermarket.

That's all

Overall, this was a pretty gripping read, with a strong sense of narrative and evocative imagery and structural flow to boot.

Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!

Cheers,
-Lim




User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 5
Reviews: 9

Donate
Wed Jan 27, 2021 10:33 pm
View Likes
RainbowCereal wrote a review...



This is absolutely beautiful! Your choice of vocabulary is really expressive without it coming off like you're trying too hard to be overly metaphorical. The piece flows very well and I'm absolutely in love with it.
Also, I think your working title actually really suits the poem in a way I can't quite put my finger on, but I may also be biased because I enjoy titles like that one. Keep up the good work!!




User avatar
72 Reviews


Points: 5509
Reviews: 72

Donate
Tue Jan 26, 2021 2:57 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



A very beautiful poem, I like it very much. Especially the way you describe everything, one can clearly imagine everything in one's mind.
You have a good way of describing things visually. It was a lot of fun to read it and pause for a short while to think about the word choice. I'm looking forward to seeing what else you write.




User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 147
Reviews: 33

Donate
Sun Jan 24, 2021 7:46 am
View Likes
rida wrote a review...



Hey! Rida here for a review!
So, I loved the poem, it was filled with imagery and it made the poem more beautiful. I think you could improve the last stanza, make it a bit easier or the ending a bit more..... ending-y.
I’m not great with reviews.


Author's Note: "To A Boy I Saw in the Supermarket Once" is my working title, and if anyone has an idea for a better one, I'm open to suggestions.

Well, you could try a kind of humorous poem next. Like.... a mixture of politics and humour.
Or you could write about how once, the moon too, had its own light, but how it was stolen and now the moon’s helpless, but still searching for its light, and you could blend this with reality. Just a suggestion. Anyway, I am not great with this stuff but...

“ And pluck cotton candy from the hands of passerby.”

Instead of ‘passerby’ it should be ‘passers-by’.

Other than that, I think this poem is awesome!





An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown