This Mess

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Points: 33
Reviews: 7

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Sun Nov 03, 2019 12:02 pm

SidPorter1 wrote a review...

This is very deep and talks about how frustrating life can be. It also talks about our existence what's the use of it all, What's the reason for us living, why is life a cluster of problems. Life is a cluster of problems.
The first part caught my eyes the way it used digging an everlasting hole to talk about life. This is lovely

Points: 1043
Reviews: 178

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Fri Nov 01, 2019 11:13 pm

EverLight wrote a review...

EverLight here with a review. This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned- you may feel offended anyway

First Impression
Wow. This was deep. Thank you for posting this.

Nitpicks and Errors
You have no nitpick errors other then these two-

Until all I could feel

Until all I could do
Was scream.

I'd add a comma by the word all, but then again, you can leave it off. It's more up to you.

Style & Flow
Your style was excellent. As for flow, I agree with niteowl-you could change the ending, and maybe reverse the poem? Then again, when I read a poem I'm not usually fussy about how it is structured or how it flows-I look at the meaning-and this had a beautiful meaning.

Overall you did an amazing job! It's nice to see another poet around here

Nice going!

EverLight Out

Points: 29861
Reviews: 1210

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Fri Nov 01, 2019 3:41 pm

niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there Em16! Niteowl here to review.

First, I'll address my interpretation of the poem overall, then move into my review. In the beginning, we see the speaker digging a hole, or more accurately, attempting to dig a hole. It sounds like a rather Sisyphean effort, as the hole shrinks as they dig. The line "Perhaps I should have stayed away from holes and shovels" is intriguing because it suggests that there was something that drew them to this now-hopeless project, though we don't see that in the piece. The second stanza brings us some imagery, showing additional details that the speaker couldn't foresee when they started. I like the imagery here, as it captures the speaker's misery. The poem ends with the speaker moving from sadness to anger, hoping that maybe that will be the key to getting out of this trap.

As I said above, I like the imagery of this poem, which makes it a nice take on the idea of "digging your own grave". There's some strong lines like "For too many years, I've learned feelings can waste away" and "Standing in a hole deep enough to hold my life but not deep enough to reach the other side".

That said, I feel like the flow at the end is a little strange and the ending could be stronger. We go from the apathy of feelings wasting away into anger, but I feel like it would make more sense the other way around.

Standing in a hole

Deep enough to hold my life

But not deep enough

To reach the other side

I want to curse something

Burn something, destroy something

Because if I can’t dig a hole of dirt

Then at least I can dig a hole of anger.

This section feels like it could be in the middle, after "Until all I could do was scream". I also would like it in the past tense, showing how the speaker was really angry at first before moving into despair and apathy.

After standing in a hole

For too many years

I’ve learned feelings can waste away.

Like flowers

They need sunlight

Water and air,

Love.

I like the ideas here, and I think it could make a really cool ending to the poem if it flowed a little better. It could move from the past tense of the anger section to the apathy expressed here. I might rewrite this as "After too many years, I've learned feelings can waste away, like flowers without sunshine, water, air, love". I think this would be a solid hopeless note to end the poem on. If you wanted, you could add a more hopeful ending (I've always been a fan of adding a little hope at the end of my sad poems), but either way would work.

One more minor critique is the line breaks and formatting. The lines seem very short, which makes the poem feel choppy. I'd examine the lines and think about what the most powerful ending words are, since that's what the reader is drawn to. Think about whether you want a certain section to flow smoothly with longer lines or feel fragmented and choppy with shorter lines. I'd also use more stanzas, as they feel very long right now, which makes the poem hard to read. How to Format Poetry This article can help if you're having trouble with formatting on YWS.

Lastly, I'd suggest using more consistent punctuation. Right now, it's sparse and sort of random. Punctuation in Poetry This article explains some of the different styles of punctuation you can use in a poem. Generally, I prefer sentence punctuation because it make the piece easier to follow. Sometimes I find poems hard to read if I get distracted by unconventional grammar.

Overall, I like the ideas here, but I think moving some things around and improving the format would make it even better. Keep writing!