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16+ Language

Remember Me

by Em16


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Remember me, in days gone by, when the lights
Have begun to fade and shiver, as the darkness creeps in
Takes hold of you, clutching tightly by the back
By the collar, by the hair, as you subdue yourself
With oceans of ongoing conversation, caught up
In the confusion, in those moments, boarding a train
Or coming down off a high, I hope in that silence
You can find the space in your heart to remember me.

I know I fucked you up, know I broke down
All the light in your eyes, my curses like thunder
As the lightning lit up all the ways we were a disaster
A train wreck, the toppling mountain on the edge
Of a collapse, as the night pushed us closer together
Until the morning dawned and we saw
The decimated forest that lay all around us.

I know I was too much, too soon, all screaming
All crashing plates, all lights dangling precipitously
As the sound of my voice echoes through the house
You were just as fierce, it was like a battle
Like spears thrown, swords unleashed
Like the sky was coming down to reveal
All the demons of the other worlds come
To tear us all apart, take us into pieces.

But still, there were moments, on happy evenings
Quiet mornings, when our mouths were stilled
And there was only the feeling of your hands
Running softly through my hair, as I let you
Take hold of you, take control of me, too exhausted
To do more than softly breathe in your warmth
Perched near me, on the edge of my shoulder
On the edge of my heart, you never really entered
But you were close, so close, closer even
Than any other, before or since, all told
That now when it’s said and done, sometimes
I wish I’d been kinder to you, better to you
Let in more of those moments of quiet stillness.

Love, it was so long ago. Love, it was an eternity
It was an echo, it was endless, the space between
Then and now, the memories snapping back
Like the backlash from shooting a rifle,
The last flutter of the strings on a bow
It comes back in those sudden feelings
Shivering through all corners of the body
Love, it is nothing now, because it no longer exists.

But sometimes, in the still moments
As you lie next to your wife, staring up
At the ceiling, at the painted colors
After your children have all gone to bed
The household asleep, but yourself awake

Sometimes, remember me, think of me
I hope then, when your heart stutters
Even if only a passing thought
So fleeting you hardly notice me in it.

I hope you remember me, remember me
So that even if we have lost touch
And fallen apart, as old lovers do, even then
Let the memories, let the feeling
Let the stillness in the air, so reminiscent
Of our time together, let it continue on
So that even if we are no longer together
Our silent hearts can find each other,
Again and again and again. 

find me on tumblr at https://moonchildisuhgood.tumblr.com


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36 Reviews


Points: 2738
Reviews: 36

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Fri Jun 11, 2021 2:50 am
MayCupcake wrote a review...



Hey, Em16!
Here's a review for you today!

As the lightning lit up all the ways we were a disaster


I really liked the imagery in this quote. I imagined a flash of lightning exposing hidden things in the darkness with it's bright light. It has a very shocking (no pun intended lol) and jarring (good way ;)) feel to it.

All crashing plates, all lights dangling precipitously
As the sound of my voice echoes through the house
You were just as fierce, it was like a battle


This quote reminded me of one of those unsettling white noise scream scenes in a movie. You can't really tell what each person is saying and it's just pure chaos. I guess it gives me some cool imagery but sound lol.

Love, it was so long ago. Love, it was an eternity
It was an echo, it was endless, the space between
Then and now, the memories snapping back
Like the backlash from shooting a rifle,
The last flutter of the strings on a bow
It comes back in those sudden feelings
Shivering through all corners of the body
Love, it is nothing now, because it no longer exists.


I thought that this stanza specifically was very meaningful to the poem. It shows how fleeting love is. One moment you think it's going to last forever and the next you find out that everything has an end. It's getting me a bit existential just talking about it, haha. Well done!

But sometimes, in the still moments
As you lie next to your wife, staring up
At the ceiling, at the painted colors
After your children have all gone to bed
The household asleep, but yourself awake

Sometimes, remember me, think of me


This also had some good imagery. I really like the scene set of a dark room, quiet, with someone looking up at a painted ceiling. I also think it's a bit of a nice thought that you want to be remembered by someone even though they'll have their own lives and family in the future.

Anyways! Those were my thought while reading and I really enjoyed the poem! Keep on writing! :D




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1271 Reviews


Points: 38224
Reviews: 1271

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Thu Jun 10, 2021 1:55 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Em16, Niteowl here to review!

So overall, this poem confuses me. I feel like I'm reading two different poems, one about a relationship that ended but could be remembered fondly and another that is so toxic I'd imagine both parties would try to forget it and think "good riddance" when they do remember. It seems to dwell more on the negative aspects then I would expect from a nostalgic poem. Perhaps the narrator is delusional or in denial, romanticizing the terrible aspects of the relationship and failing to see that the other person probably doesn't see it that way. Of course, we don't have the other person's perspective, so it's hard to say.

Remember me, in days gone by,


This line feels off because "days gone by" refers to the past, when it's clear the narrator wants to be remembered in the future. A slight tweak that could work is "Remember me as days go by. I'm also not sure what's going on with the oceans of conversation line. I feel like these examples could be a little tighter and free of werid metaphors.


In the second stanza, there are a lot of images and metaphors flying around. Of course, those are very important poetic tools, but when you throw in too many, they start to feel contradictory and are difficult for the reader to follow. For example, the second stanza has a storm, a train wreck, a collapsing mountain, and deforestation. It's a bit much. I would cut the train wreck (too cliche) and the collapsing mountain (because it doesn't fit as well with the storm metaphor as the dead forest).

I know I was too much, too soon, all screaming
All crashing plates, all lights dangling precipitously
As the sound of my voice echoes through the house


Love this!

Like the sky was coming down to reveal
All the demons of the other worlds come
To tear us all apart, take us into pieces.


This supports my "narrator is in denial" theory because it shifts the blame for the toxic elements of the relationship to some mysterious outside force as opposed to their own toxicity.

Quiet mornings, when our mouths were stilled


No idea why, but I don't like the sound of the word "mouths" here. Maybe you could replace it with "voices" or "words"?

Perched near me, on the edge of my shoulder
On the edge of my heart, you never really entered
But you were close, so close, closer even
Than any other, before or since, all told


This stanza feels too long, and I think you could cut this without losing anything in the poem. It also rings false to me because clearly the ex did enter the speaker's heart, otherwise they wouldn't be obsessing over this however many years later.

The next stanza is rather abstract, but I like it, especially the last line.

The next stanza is great in its simple concrete image, but I am a bit distracted by this person's apparently colorful ceilling.

The next stanza seems a bit too much like "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera. I don't think anything would be lost by cutting it.

The final stanza is pretty, but it's such a stark contrast to the toxicity described in the beginning that I am truly questioning the speaker's sanity. Why would the other person remember the speaker fondly and think their silent hearts will find each other when the ex likely has some scars and trauma. Maybe it's because I've had that sort of thinking before, where I've realized someone doesn't remember me as well as I remember them, but I feel like the narrator is missing some critical self-awareness here. All this asking to be remembered, but no asking for forgiveness.

Overall, there's some lovely language and metaphors here, and if this is meant to be full of contradictions, it hit the nail on the head. Keep writing!





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