I was devastated, at first.
My eyes were unused to the dark
Unable to see the pillars of misery
Waiting to topple me.
Stumbling, sobbing, screaming
I collapsed onto bruised knees
Knives penetrating my heart
Over and over and over again.
My only lifeline was a small bit
Of hope, that hazy yellow bird
Who grew ever more fantastical
With each drop of blood that fell.
In anger, I smashed all the mirrors
Trying to destroy who I’d become
But I only hurt myself more
With each shard of glass I stepped on.
I watched the blood, the tears
Wash over my fragile hands
And I was determined
They would not be shed in vain.
No, they were just the first steps
In the construction of an internal wall,
A battlement to protect me
From my ever-present foes.
A wall to keep at bay
The poisonous leaves
And the vicious hyenas
Waiting to devour me.
A wall to protect me from those wishing
To see me rot under their foul influence
Wasting away as they jeer
And dance around my corpse.
If it sounds horrible
That’s because it is.
A prison as much as a protection
A restraint as much as a relief.
I wish I’d never shut the gate.
I wish I was still as open
As the leaves of a sunflower
Stretching towards the sun.
I wish I was still a victim
Not a twisted, torn mess
Of a survivor, limping
Among the ranks of the healthy.
But the pain, the vicious pain
Has invaded my body so smoothly
And colored my world so thoroughly
It is nothing more than an afterthought.