Young Writers Society

The illusions people can give.The ideas someone screws into our heads that corrupt us.The very fantasy they call “love” , only to be broken if we choose to break free.Only then.I like how you used gold and the sun to describe this person.The sun shines warmly at us, but looking at it can blind us.Too much gold takes us away from the real treasures of life. I hope that you will have a beautiful day/night.

Hi there, Em16! Going to drop a review here.

I want to say this before I start; the imagery in the first few verses caught my attention. It's really well done! I like how you bring up a snowflake after a hot summer then go on to describe the sun as jewel-like. It's a smooth transition and well worded.
I'm going to briefly focus on what can be improved here:

You were the jeweled sun

And gold can be a weapon.

You poured your kindness of me

go for the jugular

Hi Em! I'm Haraya here with a review.

First of all, I'd like to say that the message was clear to me. It's about a relationship of the speaker of poem that eventually brought them pain but couldn't let go. You used the image of gold, sun and snowflake as symbolism for the speaker's partner. I liked how you used these in the first two stanzas. You used them as if they were beautiful scenes and treasures, which you'd later turn around to mean negatively.

In the stanza where you showed the negative side of these symbols, I think the first line was unnecessary.

"Something very important."

You've already mentioned you forgot something in the previous stanza, so I think you were trying to add emphasis to the proceeding lines. However, forgetting that the sun can burn is already apalling for someone to do, so I don't think you still needed to point out how these things were important.

"You burnt me.
You poured your kindness of me
like it was gasoline
and I went up in flames."

I think you meant "your kindness in me" so that's how I tried to interpret it. Nonetheless, I think this image is confusing. It is possible to have the idea that the speaker was already burning before the gasoline was poured. That doesn't fortify the idea that the the partner was the one who caused the speaker to burn. I think to clarify this, you must add a detail that he lit the gasoline on fire. You can also try to find a different image for gasoline.

I noticed you didn't provide a stanza to show the negative side of gold, where it's used as a weapon. I think this didn't follow the established pattern. I think it would have been nice to add.

"I lost it the moment I met you
Not because you hated me
You didn’t, then. Not yet."

Here, my problem was I couldn't identify what was "it." In the previous stanza you were talking about losing your mind and losing a battle, so it could be either. It could have also been the case that you were using the expression "I lost it," where you mean you lost patience. But I thought it didn't make sense that you lost a battle or lost patience right when you first met the person, so I figured you must've meant you lost your mind. The problem is it was already a few lines behind that I don't think it would be the first thing to come to mind. I think it would have been better if mind was the last image you used in the previous stanza.

Finally, I was surprised by the suddent shift in tone in the last stanzas because of the use of the images "blood" and "scars." I don't think these were the best images to use here. They stood out because the rest of the poem didn't have that kind of violence. Maybe it's better to use images like "sunburns" or "frostbites" since they better accompany your previously established images of sun and snowflake while still adding the image of wounds. Also, this would better set up the last stanza since you come back to use the images of gold and light.

That's all! Overall, it was a pretty interesting read. Hope my review helped you out. Best of luck to you in your future works!

This. Is. AWESOME.
I haven't read that much poetry, but out of all the ones I read, this one is near the top.
In case you're wondering(probably not), I'm WaterSpout, here to review this masterpiece.
But what can I say? Other than at times I thought, Oh, this is free verse. But then at other times, it sort of rhymed. It's not your fault, just my brain trying to find any rhymes in every poem I read.
But I do have to say there was one small error.

You poured your kindness of me/ like it was gasoline

I forgot something.

Something very important.
The sun can burn
The snow can freeze
And gold can be a weapon.