Young Writers Society

Hi, just want to leave a review here.

I have always love reading elegies, so I really like the mood of this piece. My favourite part of the poem is:

"There was a time I was all you saw
You, me, and the sting of winter.
The flush on your cheeks
As you told me about your pet goldfish."

The conversation about the goldfish is a memory that ties the speaker to the object of speaking, and even though it means nothing to the readers, you can feel the intimacy of the two at a deeper level, and at that, flesh out and strengthen the speaker's voice and our understanding toward the bond the two share. Because of that, I think that if you include more of these into the piece, it would evoke a more powerful emotional response from the readers. This also brings me to agree with ChrisDixon's point about writing more memorable moments, it would convince readers more about the levels of intimacy the speakers and the object of speaking share.

My second favourite part is the opening where you quickly set up a powerful image of the speaker and the object of speaking as being opposed to each other.

"Look at you. Sitting there
Across the room from me.
Your eyes are on the wall
Not on me. You don’t see me."

The image speaks volumes to their broken (or breaking) relationship. I also like how you describe the object's eyes as on the wall, rather than on the speaker's. Again, this simple gesture speaks volumes to what is happening between them.

Overall, it is a beautifully-written piece. I can really feel the anguish over the loss of the lover, and the slow realisation to the insincerity of the relationship. Please keep writing!

Hi Em16. I'm here for a review.
First of all, it's really an impressive story that expresses such a sad scenario. I really quite enjoy reading this poem even though it's a romance, which is means I've reached my weakest point of review. I love the way you describe things in simple words that somehow shows so much of a realization. This poem is beautiful and crestfallen in both ways, and it's a remarkable work.

Second of all, I suggest you use commas rather than periods. I feel like the periods are cutting between each description and breaking the spectacular rhythm the poem holds.
Like this part:
Not on me. You don’t see me.

Thirdly, in this part, you only say "You don't see me". And I advise you to express how much it hurt when you noticed he wasn't looking at you.

'Look at you. Sitting there
Across the room from me.
Your eyes are on the wall
Not on me. You don’t see me.'


I would really suggest you to describe more of the memorable moment you thought it was all real before you realized it was just a fake love.

'I thought it was real
When you said my name
As if you were turning on a light
Revealing worlds of untold beauty.'


Lastly, I think you used "This is my elegy" twice, so maybe if you aren't doing that on purpose to make this stanza just like the stanza beforehand, I suggest you really do use another word for "elegy". Another thing, I think you could choose a better word to "connection", and again you repeated "mourn" quite a bit.


' This is for all the hours
I wasted searching for you
And for me, for the connection
I felt when we were together.
This is my elegy
For an illusion.
How else can you mourn a lover
That was never real? '

Again it really was beauteous poetry and it's truly a masterpiece.

Keep up your gorgeous work!

I love your writing!

Your reviewer, ChrisDixon

Ooof this is a bit heavy! Well expressed Em.

This is my favorite stanza,

I thought it was real
When you said my name
As if you were turning on a light
Revealing worlds of untold beauty.