Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Lexi looked around with distaste as the event went to hell. She looked around until she saw bright red hair in the kitchen. She walked over, frowning as she say that her friend was sitting on one of the football player's lap.
"Lexi can't you be happy for once in your life?" her best friend Lillie begged, before forcing another jello shot down her throat. Lexi looked around and sighed heavily.
"I can't be happy when I'm forced to be a designated driver since Simon decided to drink three shots." She hissed, starting to regret ever agreeing to go. "You told me I'd actually get to drink for once, and yet once again I can't because of you both." she looked down at her hands starting to feel the tears build up.
She hasn't had a drink since she started college, and that was a year and a half ago. Whenever they went out to parties she was forced to play parent otherwise Simon would try to drive home drunk, and Lillie would drink the beers throughout the day before Lexi got home from work.
Even though Lexi felt like her life sucked, she had stopped feeling sorry for herself a long time ago. She could have stopped being friends with Lillie and Simon as soon as she realized they were both addicted to sex and alcohol. Though,then she'd have no one. There wasn't many people who actually liked being around Lexi, they all thought she was a little odd. Lexi watched as Lillie grabbed yet another syringe that held the unnaturally vibrant green jello shots, Lexi sighed with disgust.
"We go to medical school for a reason, not to waste hundreds of medical supplies." She whispered to herself, knowing if she said it to anyone else they would have ignored her or responded with something rude. She got up and started to look around for her other friend.
After about 5 minutes of looking, she finally found the blonde on the "fuck couch" kissing the neck of some girl in her anatomy class.
"Simon!" she yelled over the music, he looked up with a look of pure annoyance.
"What do you want Lexi?" he hissed, the girl made a noise of annoyance towards her, trying to get Simon's attention again.
"You have a girlfriend, remember?" She yelled, pointing over to her friend, who was now having a shotgunning contest with some of the frat boys. "And I want to go home soon, decide now if you're going to fuck this whore or not."
He smirked and got up, leaving the girl there, "Why does it always take you so long to get sassy?" he walked over to Lillie. He whispered something in her ear, but she just shook her head and waved him away. "No good, she has her mind set on staying for a little while longer, I'm not that drunk. I'll call a cab for us when she wants to go since you stole my keys." she decided to just walk away, giving up on being the responsible one for the night.
Lexi quickly unlocked her car and got in, not feeling comfortable being out so late in a place she didn't know very well. She tried to start the engine, but it wouldn't even make a sputtering sound as if it was trying to turn on. She let out a sound that could only be described as pure frustration.
She got out of her car and lifted up the engine lid to see there was a sticky note on the underside.
'Dnt drnk n drive!!!!! ;D' was scribbled on it in a handwriting she'd never seen before; she let out a groan now, so fed up with the current events. She couldn't even tell what was wrong with the engine to try and fix it.
She decided to walk towards town in order to get a better cell service and order a cab.
She was about half way to town when a car slowed down next to her "Hey, is there a problem?" a deep voice asked once the window was down. Lexi looked in the corner of her eye to look at the person talking, but the streets lights made a shadow that covered the entire driver's side. She decided it would be best to not reply and to continue walking since town was still half a mile away. The car kept pace with her instead of just driving off. "Were you at that party down the street? I'm pretty sure I saw you there talking to that ginger chick Lillie."
Lexi walked faster and didn't reply. "Do you not have a ride? I'll give you one if you need to, this neighborhood isn't the safest in daylight, and you'd be committing suicide to try and walk out in night." he commented, keeping up with her pace.
"I'm fine, I can protect myself." She muttered, though she knew he was right, but she'd rather die from walking in the neighborhood than risk what this stranger could do.
"Come on now, it's dangerous. I swear on this car that I'm not creepy. I'll drive you to the closest bus station and then I'll leave you be." When Lexi didn't make any indication that she was going to get in the car he sighed loudly, "Come on lady, it would make me feel better if you would just get in the car."
Lexi stopped and faced the driver, "Why do you give a damn? I'm a stranger to you, you don't owe me anything." She snapped loudly. He smirked and leaned across the passenger's seat to open the door.
"That may be so, but I still want to take you to the bus station, can you please let me do so?" He begged.
Lexi sighed and climbed in "Fine, but no funny business." she muttered; feeling ashamed of doing something she told everyone else not to do.
The man nodded his head, indicating he understood and started to drive down the street towards town and away all of Lexi's friends.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey, Eevee! Adrian here for a review.
There's a problem with the word choice throughout the first few paragraphs, mainly with the word 'looked' and things like 'Lexi/she [insert action here]'. These in itself aren't complete issues, but they do bog down the quality of the work and make it difficult to portray tone accurately. She looked, she walked, she hissed. Many of the sentences of those first few paragraphs start like that and it sticks out.
Starting sentences like that is completely fine, but when it's done in the excess, it starts to get noticeable.
Even though she was shown almost crying just a few paragraphs earlier. That might have just been a gut reaction, but most of this feels like she's sorry for herself and just covering it up. It's been implied that she's been promised to drink at parties and then never gotten to, so why is she so upset this time?
Also, if Lillie drinks beers all day, why can't Lexi also join in? Why did she have to have her first encounter with alcohol at a party where she could be potentially vulnerable when there was the option of trying alcohol with a friend in a monitored environment? Maybe I don't have enough backstory, but that doesn't really make sense to me.
One, this comes across like liking sex and alcohol is a bad thing. While it may be the biased narrator, she's also shown complaining that she wanted to drink and then not being able to. Also, this seems to be falling into the "not like the other girls/not lie anyone else" trope that a lot of authors pull out to gain sympathy for their main character. "She's different, she hates partying, she's odd." A lot of people are different, a lot of people hate partying, a lot of people are odd. Besides, she's in college, she's on a campus, there is probably some sort of place for "people like her". Whether it be in the library, the lounge, or in those clubs that people on campus sometimes host.
This isn't going to end well.
As far as the beginning went, it could have been a bit stronger. There wasn't really a grab or any of the things that I'd normally look for in beginnings. There's nothing unusual, there's nothing particularly interesting, it's just this girl at a party. In fact, there's nothing remotely eye catching until she decides to go into some stranger's car. Just something to think about.
Anyway, I hope that you do keep on writing! I look forward to the next chapter!
~Adrian, Knight of RED
Hi!
Also, this seems to be a vague understanding of what Lexi is really all about- I am sure you'll explain more about here in later chapters.
I like to first say welcome to YWS, and I hope you are enjoying it here.
Even though this isn't a big problem, it just seems that the spacing is a little off. That can be fixed, of course, as most problems are the fixable- just backspace and use shift +enter. That way when a reader is reading your chapter, it doesn't leave a big space there. Another thing is you seem to start off this novel with a party that the two characters (Lexi and Lillie) go to. I'm going out on a limb and saying that Lillie is the drunken, party girl who will have a little too much fun. Common friendship, I would say.
In the beginning of this chapter, it doesn't exactly... grab my attention. Sure, it has that suspenseful feel that could most likely grab attention however, you don't tell the reader about Lexi until later in the chapter. However, you are the author and you can do whatever you must to making your novel better- I am simply suggesting you should add some spices and make it more fun to read. That's what novels are- different combinations of words to make something worth reading.
Also, in the beginning, I feel that "distaste" doesn't quite fit. I was thinking more of "disgust"- "distaste" just feels like it is oversimplifying "disgust". What event are they at? The first thought that came into my head, before reading on, is a something completely different than what you intended. I suggest explaining more of the event, rather than leaving it up to you readers to be left in a circle- you can set some boundaries to imagination.
I think you should combine paragraphs, instead of just leaving two chucks in the sea. This is because it seems that relate to the topic you are talking about and it cleans up room for writing.
For some reason, this paragraphs seems... off like doesn't "exactly" makes sense. What I am trying to say it seems this is built off of sentences glued together by commas. It does, however, show the relationship between Lillie and Simon, how caring Lexi is to both of them, and worried that if they left she would be alone. If you re-read over this small paragraph, I am sure you can think of a way to re-write it to make sense.
For example:
Before
After
From reading so far, Lexi seems to be a party pooper and rather be studying or something. I feel like this could somewhat relate to most people in college, since most people go partying while some would like to study and continue on their life there.
As I continue reading on, it seems to go into the climax quite quickly. For example, it leaves me with questions of who left the sticky note under her car hood. Also, I don't think someone would "exactly" scream at the situation that Lexi's in- maybe try calling a tow truck or something. Although she probably doesn't have the money to do anything dealing with fixing her ride.
How far away are they from town? Is it a hop-skip away or a mile away? Also, here is seems to just drag on. Like I said, try writing the paragraphs together and weaving a nice, little chapter to read. Another thing, who is the guy? I'm certain you'll speak about him in the later chapters to come. For one, I like your dialogue since it seems real enough and to have that feeling with it.
Another thing is describe the guy. For all we know, he could be a lizard dressed up in a tracksuit. Adding some descriptive words to your sentence can add some color to the bleakness. It can make the readers feel as if the man can be a danger or a helpful friend later down the road. It makes the characters come to life- this can relate back to the way Lexi, Simon, and Lillie look like. Also, colorful words could make a profound effect on the novel on itself. Some of the characters could change throughout the novel with descriptive words.
"no" should be "not".
Overall, this was a nice, little chapter. I certainly enjoy the characters and the suspense it gives for it. This, to me, seems like a common college party. The ending doesn't feel quite write and feels a little off, like it needs more added to it for it to be completely end. It happens fast, is all I am saying. If you slow down and think about where is the good part to stop, you should. Speaking of endings, word of advice- end where action begins. That way you can have a beginning for your next chapter.
If you like me to go over anything, do let me know!
Steggy