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Young Writers Society



The Crowded Mountain (1)

by keystrings


The air tastes of fire tonight.

Hablex sits on a wooden stump, their feet dangling above the grassy floor. Every so often they hear shouts, but they have learned to ignore their group's tendency to make loud noises.

Ash clings to their lips, even as they drink their last sips of water. They can seek out the next river tomorrow, as the remaining light is more a shadow of how radiant their orange sun shines through the trees.

They clutch their coat tighter as the wind rattles by their small body, stirring their short hair and the huge leaves hanging over their head.

Hablex falls asleep in that position, with clouds to cover the setting sun and a trunk as their bed.

When they blink awake, they feel alone. The long, branched limbs of the trees sway overhead, reminding them of each time something seemed out of reach or far too away from them.

This time, whatever they cannot grasp seems important, and may have something to do with the quiet around them.

Hablex gathers up the few items they carry, folding everything back into their bag, before setting off to where Malker and the rest had set up camp.

They pause a few feet away, catching the silence once more. Their brother and friends are never able to hold in their laughter or jokes or simple conversation for more than a few seconds. If the rest of their group are not here though, would they have traveled further without them? No, they are friends. Friends are not that cruel to one another.

Frowning, Hablex spins to gaze the way they walked here. They cannot figure out what would make them leave in the first place. Their goal is the mountain, and their current route is supposed to be the clearest path there.

What are they missing?

Hablex glances down at the ground, scanning for any possible clues. Nothing seems out of place, nor is there anything laying out as if forgotten in a hasty action.

Taking one last glance at the campsite, they grab out the one thing that they and their brother promised to obey in case anyone gets lost. Both of them carry a silver bell, one their mom had fashioned for them, and that had a useful yet alarmingly loud chime.

Here goes nothing. Hablex flicks the crafted instrument, closing their eyes at the ringing, reminding them of metal utensils being slammed onto the wooden dining table. They wait a few seconds, hoping against hope that Malker and Iharli and the rest will pop around a tree, like they were just messing with them and then continue along with their journey.

Instead, they hear nothing besides rattling leaves and a quiet hum from a close bird. They sigh, scuffing the grass below them. No one has ever ignored that sound, not if they wanted to live and not be scolded, so Hablex knows that something is very wrong.

They cannot tell who put their brother into such a mess, but they can assume that there is no telling what the consequences could be if they don’t retrieve him and their friends fast.

With that, Hablex feels stuck once more. They are four days into this trip, four days away from Yurav, away from their family. Wasting that time to walk back can result in something terrible for Malker, yet trying to find him on their own can wind up useless too.

A cleared throat startles them into pulling out the lone weapon they had, a knife forged by them years ago, and pointing it towards the nearest bush. Clouded in the shade of trees and nearby vegetation, a round face peers back at them.

“I’m Cardinal,” she announces, tilting her head as if to bow. “You must be lost.”

Hablex shifts to point the knife towards her. They have never seen this girl before, yet she seems friendly, which they are not at all used to.

“Maybe,” they say, not wanting to give any information away. They learned their lesson the last time they dealt with a stranger.

Cardinal frowns. “It’s rude to not introduce yourself back, you know.” She stands up from her crouching, revealing tanned skin and hair the color of tree bark.

They sigh in a quiet huff, considering the possible outcomes of telling her their name. She seems innocent enough, but still they were taught to be smart in times of confusion.

After another moment of debating, they rub at their forehead. “Hablex,” they say at last, hoping they will not later regret this.

“You’re an interesting one, huh?” She grins, her eyes sparkling. “I like you.”

Hablex huffs, looking away from Cardinal. Their history with curious children getting in trouble does not bode well for this new scenario, but they know that they need to look after her.

They may have lost their brother, yet something tells them that this kid may be in need of a watchful eye. Until Malker appears, all they have is time. Not to mention they are not going to be headed home until they wring that boy’s ear.

Cardinal grabs their hand, putting something small there before letting go.

Hablex glances down at their palm, blinking with surprise at a brightly colored sculpture, much like a miniature variation of the very mountain they are meant to arrive at.

They look up from the rock only to see they are alone, again. That pesky girl. Hablex is stuck once more, now with a rock and the knowledge that this Cardinal person seems to be interested with them.

She seemed younger, at least in an innocent sense, and probably hadn’t lost her brother like Hablex has, but they aren’t sure how to feel about anything from this situation.

That darn Malker, always making such a fuss and now he’s gone and disappeared. Hablex runs their fingers through their hair, trying to ignore the tremors. They will fix this. They always have after their brother’s mistakes. This time is just a bit more important than before.

The closest town they can name is right along the border, and not a place their parents ever let them travel to, but they need supplies and a place to sort out today’s events.

Hablex sighs, clutching at the bell still in their pocket before starting to walk in the direction of Heo. Their surroundings will remain the same for now, as it’s really just another part of the large forest at the south of Wistan.

All they can hope is that Malker is headed towards Heo as well.


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5 Reviews


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Sat Sep 05, 2020 9:29 am
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Horselover1001 wrote a review...



Dear Editor,
I see you have used they alot, maybe a little bit too much, an ulturnitive that you could use is, their name/s or just find a different way to describe that the person/people are doing.

If you have ever hear did DADWAVER, then you should use the writing method in your story. It will help turn your sentences around and give the story that extra hook to keep the reader there and reading.

But all in all, I quite like the chapter and will be looking out for the next one.
Horselover101




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Fri Sep 04, 2020 11:58 pm
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Horisun wrote a review...



Hello, and happy Review Month!
This is a really interesting concept! And this first chapter was executed really well, as I'm already brimming with questions!
Who is this girl? Why are they trying to get to the mountain? Why didn't their parents want them to go to that specific town?

The people below already covered a lot, so I have one small nitpick...
"(T)hey grab out the one thing that they and their brother promised to obey in case anyone gets lost."
This line here threw me for a loop for a moment. There isn't much wrong with it from a grammar perspective, however, I think it could be reworded slightly. (Note, this is just my opinion)
Forgive me for saying so, but it kind of sounds like they are obeying the bell. I know their Mother made it, but something about that line is off.
I'm sorry, that was really nitpicky, it was just bugging me a bit XD

But besides that, I loved this piece! I'm super excited to see more from it, and hope you continue on to the next chapter! I'll have to keep an eye out for it!
Keep on writing, and have a grand day! :D




keystrings says...


Aha thanks for the review! Those questions are fair, and I hope to be able to get more information/world info in the next section over. I'm glad you're interested :D



Horisun says...


No problem!



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Fri Sep 04, 2020 8:42 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hi there Editor! I saw a first chapter in the Green Room and absolutely could not resist the urge to review. Let's jump into some of my thoughts!

Your first line was brilliantly done. It honestly reminded me of Lord of the Rings for whatever reason and pulled me into the story. It was such a simple yet vivid description, and the nonchalance with which it is stated makes me want to learn what this world is where tasting smoke is so normal. It was probably my favorite part of this first chapter.

However, moving forward I had a harder time getting pulled into the world. I didn't feel a strong sense of urgency, like the sense that your main character is in a rush or has a reward waiting at the end of their journey. It was at a much slower pace than many first chapters I've read, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it did feel inconsistent with a fantasy/adventure-type style.

I enjoyed the introduction and personality of Cardinal! I can see how she and Hablex would have an interesting dynamic, as Hablex is more closed-off and gruff, and Cardinal is more happy and bubbly. Her youthful joy is refreshing to read, and I hope to see quite a bit more of her in future chapters.

There were also quite a few characters and geographical locations that were introduced in this first chapter. I tend to lose my bearings very quickly in new worlds, so I prefer to be slowly introduced to characters and the setting. Especially since there isn't a strong necessity to name all of these places and characters (at least as far as I can tell, from what I've read), it may be in your favor to dial it back just a tad.

I hope these thoughts were helpful to you! I enjoyed the teasings of fire in this chapter and the beginnings of an adventure and an unlikely friendship, but felt there were a few opportunities for improvement. Please feel free to reach out with any questions!

Best,
Tuck




keystrings says...


Thank you so much for the review! I can definitely see where the naming is a little quick, and while there isn%u2019t as much plot going on. This might have been the wrong place to start the story, but I can try to rearrange things.

Thanks again!



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Fri Sep 04, 2020 8:20 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Heya Perks!

I was excited to see you posted something new, and am here to give you a review on it!

Per the Checklist Challenge, I'm going to try out a Template Review for this critique, and will be attempting (and possibly failing xD) at giving you a Story Template Review. Let's get started...

First Impressions

Aww, Hablex, baby, let me snuggle you. Your description is SO vivid especially early in the chapter. I was sympathizing so hard with Hablex as they were trying to make sense of the world and find their brother and wow. You definitely did a good job with this characterization. This is such a short snippet of a chapter and already I love Hablex and want them to succeed. I'm also intrigued by Cardinal and want to know how the interactions are going to go between them. All in all, a really solid start to your story!

Plot

I would like things to be a little bit clearer, plot-wise. You interspersed a bitttt here and it's always a concern to over-explain things of course because you don't want an info-dump. But honestly I'm having a bit of trouble understanding why there's a fire to begin with? Or where Cardinal came from? Or like... most of the plot lol. I would just like a bit more clarity of how we ended up with this scene in the first place, you know?

Characterization

I mentioned this above, but characterization is definitely a huge strength of yours in this chapter! I really love your characters already and they have such adorable, distinct personalities which is such a hard thing to do in the first chapter but you really nailed it and did a fantastic job with it!

Praise

Ummmm apparently I already did this in my impressions and characterization one haha. My most enthusiastic praise for this chapter is how absolutely adorably amazing your characters are! I can't express enough how much I love them. I do think you captured intrigue pretty well with this little teaser and it makes me want to read onward to see what's going on with Hablex and if they'll find their brother.

Keep writing and happy RevMo!

~Shady 8)

Also, I am featuring submissions from the Banner Contest in my RevMo reviews, and since I am also a Knight of the Green Room and this is a Green Room review, I give you @HarryHardy's lovely exclusive KotGR banner to enjoy!

Image




keystrings says...


Ah hello! Thanks for the review c:

I am so glad you like Hablex C: I might need to try to add some more plot-building pre this chapter, but I%u2019ll have to work that out!



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Fri Sep 04, 2020 6:52 pm
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JunePearl wrote a review...



Hi EditorandPerks!

I want to start by saying, I love all the description. I almost feel like I'm in the mountains myself! Also, none grammatical errors jumped out at me either. So nice job there as well. It's also quite impressive that you were able to successfully make this story present tense. Doing that well is difficult, you and nailed it.

Now onto the critique. I was slightly confused as to who the main character/characters were. Was a Hablex a group of people, or birds or something? You always refer to Hablex in a plural form so I assumed it was multiple people (since you had used the word walk rather than fly when referring to how they moved), which just made it very confusing. I just wasn't sure. Also, what do they hope to find at Heo? Who is Malker? And, what is Yurav? You may want to try to explain what the plot of the story is a bit better.

Other than that great job, and keep up the great work!
-TeyaKnife




keystrings says...


Hello there! Thanks for the review. To answer your question, Hablex uses they/them pronouns, so they are a singular person! They%u2019re just non-binary so they don%u2019t use he/she pronouns ^_^ Malker is Hablex%u2019s brother, Heo is the closest town to their position, and Yurav is the name of this land.

I wasn%u2019t sure how much info to throw at the reader, so if you%u2019re left with these questions, I might have to try to put more world-building, in terms of societal stuff in here for next chapter.

I hope that cleared things up!



keystrings says...


Ah! The mobile glitch has attacked once more %u2014 so my apostrophes turned to %u2019 again, but I hope that message helped XD



JunePearl says...


Oh okay, and yes it did clear it up. Thank you




On some days, my will to write disappears faster than a donut at a police station.
— Arcticus