Hell.
As the bullet penetrated my skull I felt , not fear nor pain but loss . Suddenly all I knew of my world was ripped away from me , everything I treasured and held dear was robbed… the pillow fights with my brother , stormy nights with the rain hammering against my window and me tucked in my warm bed , the overwhelming rush of joy when I held her hand… gone
For I few seconds I was conscious , but with a three¬- inch bullet in my head I fell but I didn’t feel the expected thud of my body colliding with the floor , I was puzzled for a moment but then I realized that I had fallen through the floor and I was now tumbling through silent darkness so dense that I could almost feel it rub against my skin .
And in those few moments of unbreakable silence , I felt more alone than I ever have before.
I felt my arms and legs flailing uncontrollably as the wind rippled around my body , I was moving . I tried to open my eyes but the wind made them water beyond sight then without any warning , thud!.
I lay there for nine days , unconscious , dreaming about my life , about my hamster , and the milk man , and how we used to love to run down stairs and see if the milk was there in the morning ,and how dad played cricket …..my eyes snapped open . what I saw made my eyes go dry and my brain freeze . The sky was no longer blue but red . From the ground rose flames that licked the sky with there flailing tips… I closed my eyes , I wanted to go back , back to my dreams.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So that was a pretty sad story. A single concept, not really a plot but for a short story that's totally fine to have so I won't be saying anything about that. The story itself was really smooth and very easy to read and understand. I loved the descriptions and the language that you had. Now to take a closer look with some nitpicks.
Anyway let's get right to it,
To be honest I am not a big fan of starting with a single word. It's just really ambiguous and some people might even mistake it for the title. Actually it might even be a title and I could be wrong but I assume this is the start of the story because of the full stop that you have there.
Oh no...now that is definitely very scary. This would actually be an awesome starting point if you had used that as your very first paragraph.
This is a nitpick but did he seriously just get assassinated by an actual anti tank rifle because even an actual 50 BMG, the sort of thing you shoot out of anti material rifles and massive machine guns is not that long. The bullet that is. If you mean the whole cartridge, case and all then only something as massive as a 300 Winchester Magnum which is a huge sniper rifle round would be that long and I don't see such a thing being a possibility. What I'm saying is bullets are not that long.
That is some great description there.
Oh no this one got way sadder than I thought it would get. This poor kid has been ripped away from his life and found himself down in The Underworld. Definitely a very sad little ending that you have on here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So overall, unfortunate bullet sizes aside this one is nearly perfect. Its simple, its easy to understand and it definitely leaves a bit of an emotional impact on you. A lovely little story that's very well written. Great job!!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
That made me think. I like the last line especially, it makes it different.
There were alot of typos, though. You should read through it and see.
For I few seconds I was conscious , but with a three¬- inch bullet in my head I fell but I didn’t feel the expected thud of my body colliding with the floor , I was puzzled for a moment but then I realized that I had fallen through the floor and I was now tumbling through silent darkness so dense that I could almost feel it rub against my skin .
^^Sorry, but this doesn't make any sence. Its super long too, Perhaps you should divide it in to... Or perhaps three..
And in those few moments of unbreakable silence , I felt more alone than I ever have before.
Even though I don't think you're technicly suposed to begin a sentence with a conjunction, this workes nicely. I think the word would be 'had' instead of 'have' though. Since you're talking about how it used to be, and that would be past tense.... Yeah.
Keep up the good writing!
wow, very very cool beginning, he is now in hell, cuz he's dead, i like this story it for some odd reason puts happier thoughts in my head.... oh whell good job keep it up, are you going to post more?
How is this a fantasy story? It isn't really even an Action Adventure story.
*Moves to Other Fiction*
Ooo I like it.
The [quote]about my hamster , and the milk man [quote] part kinda threw me off. I was thinking sad thoughts, then a hamster came into the mix and I was thrown off a bit. But I'm crazy like that.
And there's a bit of run-on in it.