He stares into the mirror
Seeing anybody but him.
Red on the lips,
Pink on the cheeks,
Drawn on eyebrows,
And a wardrobe for a queen.
His parents await unsuspectingly downstairs.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
I like how u told alot in so little lines I have a poem short too but anyway I really liked it the only comment I have is the last two lines feel incomplete I think you shuld add alitlle bit more too it other then that its perfect
Keep writing ill like to see more pieces by you ur a gud writer unlike myself lol but if u hav a chance ill like ur input ony poems wait and see and where were you . Can u plz review it I feel like its not all the way there plz give me feed bac I need confidence so I can post more I hav alot but little points and reviews but enough about me .
-oldsoulxoxo
Hey, DriftingPulp!
So, I thought that this was really deep. It treats a topic that not a lot of people write poetry about. So a very nice job on that!
I have only one thing to comment on, really.
At this part, I'm not sure if this was just me, but I feel kind of cut off there. Maybe if you added just one more line, it would flow better.
Otherwise, this was perfect. Just perfect. I'll remember it for a long time.
Keep on writing, Mephis
Its amazing how deep of a story you can create with only five lines. This is absolutely wonderful and I love the unique topic. Its always nice to find poetry and writing that is unexpected.
I thought this was a very interesting poem and I enjoyed reading it. Some poems I read seem to lack emotion/ a deeper meaning. However, this poem has the perfect amount of depth. It allows the reader to form his/her own backstory. Good job!
-Eva
I half expected this to be a fantasy poem about, literally, the birth of a queen, but I really liked this twist. I love how you tell a very important story in so few lines. The only change I would make would be maybe elaborating on the second line, but it is wonderful as it is. Excellent job!
-LittleFox <3
Hello, DriftingPulp!
I like what you've got here. There isn't much, but it's a snapshot of a life about to change. I like that it's not the usual coming out story. I like how much we don't know. Because it's not important what the parents think.
Yes, it would be more dramatic if the reveal was made in the poem, and I was going to suggest that you develop it into that, but maybe you shouldn't. It's about the birth of this person's identity, not the reaction to the reveal of the identity.
That being said, I think there could be a little more development in the visual of this person. You tell us what is there, but you don't show us. Also, talking about literature as a whole, including prose and poetry, the mirror thing is overdone.
As for the telling as opposed to showing, I'd use maybe a bit more indirect language to show us how this person looks and perhaps how this person's looks have changed with the addition of makeup and feminine clothing. Don't do it too overtly-- slip it in. Also, perhaps include in added metaphor things that the narrator might be feeling at the moment. For example, he might be feeling like he needs some armor, or war paint, to face his parents. So instead of
You could say
Or perhaps he's feeling like he's wearing jewels:
Really, you can spin this to fit an infinite number of emotions. Try to incorporate that into your poem instead of just simply describing him.
The other issue we have is the cliche of the character looking in the mirror. To be honest, the two lines in question could be taken out without harming the poem too much. If you wanted to take them out and add nothing in return, it wouldn't be too bad. Because the poem isn't in first person, you can have the main character doing something else. Maybe he's hesitating at the top of the stairs, about to show his parents. Maybe he's sitting in his room, meditating. The mirror thing is just too overused.
One more note: I'm not sure about this, and you might know more about it than I do, but when a drag queen is in drag, do they prefer a feminine pronoun? It might do you good to change the last "his" in the poem to a "her." However, I'd do some research on that first before you do anything about it.
Altogether, I enjoyed the premise. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!