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The Dive Chapter 3

by Amabilia


Chapter 3: Two Fish

“Fea?” Fea nodded. Andy ran over to her and untied her. “What happened?”

“Your dad’s fishing net got me. They found out.”

“They? Who’s they?”

“Your dad and Michael, for sure. But the word has probably spread that there’s a mermaid on board.”

“Then we have to get you out now,” Andy said with fierce strength. Fea hadn’t seen him like this before, even when he’d been picking on people.

“Come on,” he said as he approached the door. They snuck out of the room and climbed up the stairs. They crept onto the deck. No one was in sight. They ran up to the edge of the deck.

“Grab my hand. When I’m a mermaid, I can see in the dark water,” Fea told him. They prepared to jump. A gun cocked behind them.

“Come away from the edge or I shoot. Andy,” Bruce told them.

Fea stepped in front of Andy, “If you shoot him, I’m going down, too.”

“No! I won’t let you do that!” Andy stepped out from behind Fea.

“Andy! This is the only way we’ll both survive!” She grabbed his hand again. They jumped off the boat together. The gun rang out just above their heads. They hit the water and took off. Fea swam as fast as she could, pausing every now and then so Andy could get a breath. She kept looking back, worrying that they might be followed. Fea had never felt more paranoid and scared. They didn’t head back to the island, but they went back the the main land.

They got out of the water on a beach that was secluded. As Fea’s tail dried off Andy talked to her.

“What am I going to do now?” he asked her.

“What do you mean?”

“My dad’s going to kill me! I can’t go back home and no one in the entire school likes me so I won’t be able to stay with someone!” Andy exclaimed. They were walking into town and didn't want talk about what had just happened out of fear of being overheard.

“I like you,” Fea said quietly. He looked at her in surprise.

“You do?”

“Yeah. I used to think you were a mean jerk that only cared about himself. But I’ve seen how it is for you outside of school, and you risked our own life for me! No one’s ever done that before,” she summed up the day. Fea looked at her watch, “Hey, um.. I got to get back to my foster parent’s house. You want to come?”

“Sure,” Andy shrugged. They walked to the bus stop.

“How much money do you have? I have a dollar,” Fea said.

“I have two.”

“Okay. That should be enough for the both of us,” Fea led Andy onto the bus. When they got to Fea’s house, they started looking for her foster parents. They found them and talked about Andy staying at their house.

“He’s... having some problems... with his dad.”

“Well who’s his dad?” they asked Fea.

“Bruce Tanner,” came Andy’s sullen reply

“Oh, you poor thing! Yes, you can stay at our house. Any child that can endure living with him is well worthy of staying with us,” they agreed. Andy thanked them and Fea showed him to his room.

--

Andy got the spare bedroom next to Fea’s. In the night, Fea had a dream. She was swimming in a wrecked ship. She got to a hallway and started looking through all the rooms. At the end of the hall was a room with a heavy oak door that was still very much intact. Fea opened it. Inside were her parents. Two fish laying face down on the floor. A note was scratched on the floor by a knife. It read, The humans did this. They will never understand.

Fea woke up screaming. Andy came running in the room.

“Fea, are you okay?”

Her foster parents came running in the room looking extremely worried.

“Fea?” they said. Fea shook her head and moved herself further away from them. She scrunched herself up in bed. What is Andy or her foster parents were like the humans that killed her parents?

“Fea, it’s okay. I’m here for you.” Andy stepped up to her bedside and put his hand on her arm. She relaxed. Her foster parents looked at Andy. He nodded back at them and they left the room.

“I’ll be right back,” he said as he turned to leave the room. He came back with his pillow and two blankets. He put one down on the floor and made himself a little bed.

“I’m right here. You don’t have to tell me what happened if you don’t want to. Just know that I’m here for you.”


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 1:28 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello and happy review day! :D I apologize that I haven't read the previous installments of this, but it's time to move this out of the green room!

Well to start off, I must say that I think the premise here is really interesting and even though I've come in late and have only read one chapter, I'm intrigued. I think each individual component of this chapter is good and your dialogue is good, but where I think you could do a bit more is weaving each individual component together.

Four big things happen in this chapter:
1. They have to flee this boat and nearly die
2. They talk on a beach
3. They go to her foster home and he gets to stay too
4. She has a scary dream and he comforts her.

That's a lot of stuff. Now each of those little parts were interesting and I think they're all important to the plot. The problem is that I think you've tried to put to much into one chapter and what's happened is that you don't have very much time to develop each of those components. They happen, but they go by so quickly I'm kind of left feeling a little underwhelmed.

I think this starts great. I love the action and the suspense as they're trying to get away. Once they flee and they're swimming away, I'd like a bit more there to transition into the next component of the chapter. What is she thinking as she's leading him away? What's the plan? What's she feeling? Is she worried that there is a pursuit behind her? Stuff like that.

When they reach their destination they have this nice little conversation, but they don't really talk about what just happened to them. I know I'm missing things because I'm coming in late and the father situation is probably important to why they just fled in the first place. But I think that conversation could be longer and you could do more processing with the two characters about what just happened and where they need to go from here. You've done that a bit, now I want more of it to transition from where they just were to where they're going the rest of this chapter. You have this big exciting escape scene and then they go on with their lives. I want a little more connection.

Same with the showing up at the foster house and him getting to stay. Expand that a bit more. Give me a little more of that conversation and maybe show him getting settled in or his appreciation for being there. Connect it back to what happened earlier and how he doesn't know what he would do if he weren't able to stay here, he could worry about his father or what might happen next, something like that, just to connect it back to what has happened earlier in the chapter.

And then with the dream, I would think about doing a chapter break there like a **** or a space between those scenes because it's sort of a different time than the rest of the chapter. Then you can start right in on the dream and showing that dream. When you get to the aftermath, focus on the feelings. I love that he came to her aid (there's a cute little budding romance brewing here I think :)) and I want more of what's going through her head and how she's feeling in that moment.

Overall though, the writing is good and you have a really interesting plot here. This is something I might have to revisit and read more of after review day if you're interested! Keep working on it, and please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




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Sun May 29, 2016 8:33 pm
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RippleGylf wrote a review...



Interesting concept. I haven't read the rest yet, but this seems pretty good.

“Andy! This is the only way we’ll both survive!” She grabbed his hand again. They jumped off the boat together. The gun rang out just above their heads. They hit the water and took off. Fea swam as fast as she could, pausing every now and then so Andy could get a breath. They didn’t head back to the island, but they went back the the main land.
Try not to use the same word to keep starting sentences. I like to follow the rule "No 2 Sentences Start With The Same Word In The Same Paragraph."
“Yeah. I used to think you were a mean jerk that only cared about himself. But I’ve seen how it is for you outside of school, and you risked our own life for me! No one’s ever done that before,”
This is one of only a few instances where your dialogue seems off. The first sentence seems very cliché.
A note was scratched on the floor by a knife. It read, The humans did this. They will never understand.
Try to indicate what exactly is the note, perhaps with italics. It will help your reader be able to more easily understand the situation.
Overall, good job! I couldn't find many proofreading errors, but it could still use some revisions (honestly, what work doesn't?) Keep writing!




Amabilia says...


Thanks, ill make changes when i find the time.



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Tue May 03, 2016 3:51 pm
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nabilaanjum says...



This is an incredible story about fish





Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
— G.K. Chesterton