BEWARE!!! I wrote this in 3rd grade!
My life is a frosty dessert,
Cool and sweet,
Sometimes smooth, sometimes bumpy,
Always delicious, always full of surprises,
And sometimes highlighted with a tang,
Mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. So, the first thing I notice is that well, I like it. But... the third grade you, and maybe even the you know, defineitly does/did not know what was coming in the future. Pain waits for you and you don't know that yet. The bumps will grow and smooth roads will be even more scarce. It flowed really well though, which surprised me and I loved the title! It fit well. Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you life then was simple. You had no troubles and things to bother you. You could look forward to coming home or not worry about your social status, about your weight and race. If you would fit in or not. It may even still be like that for you. Lucky duck. Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
Hey! here a little review from Bree!'' My life is a frost dessert '' it is really cool though, for the 3rd grade you have talent I must say I hope you have work from now? let me know that please....it is very thoughtful if you use ''cool and sweet'' in your poem...Life can be cool and swet sometimes but it can also be ''bitter and sour'' hahaa, yes that is what I think and maybe we are ALL cool and sweet huh? I mean we ''Human Being'' are sweet but we can also dot hings in a cool way! ''''Always delicious, always full of surprises '' yes I agree with that one! Life can let us feel happy en sometimes we are surprised....sometimes we don't know what comes until it's done, than we are surpised about ourselves! I love the word ''highlighted'' and I'm sooooo chocolate obsessed hahaha, ''chip ice cream'' makes this poem complete! I'm jealous at your writing style....hope to see more of you're work soon Love Bree ...
Hey Viv here to do a review,I wish I wrote poems in third grade. I like it, it's great. Think of it like Picasso wishing to paint like a child, you were at your most creative (don't think of it like peaking though). There's nothing wrong with it content wise or grammar wise (grammar don't take just my word for it). Glad you posted.Hope to see more,Viv, out!
This poem is very good for a third grader to write. I don't see any spelling mistakes. The line breaks seem to be random and make to poem chunky. It's in sentence form which removes feeling from the poem. Some reputation of the main idea could be good. Try something like this, My life a frosty dessert cool and sweetSometimes smooth sometimes not My life a frosty dessert cool and sweet Always delicious and full of surprisesMy life a frosty dessert cool and sweetSometimes with a tangLeft out pincushion on purpose
Hello Dranzer! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!Bold = grammar and flow issues.Italics = suggestions and overallStrikethrough = removeUnderline = random Kara comments.
Hi there Dranzer. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on this early Tuesday morning and regardless of when this poem was written, I'll give this a fair critique.First of all, I'm confused by the title and by the name of the ice cream. Mint chip ice cream? I've never heard of that before. Are the mint chips the mint part of the ice cream? A better description is either mint ice cream or mint chocolate chip ice cream and secondly, I'd suggest making that first line more clearly the Author's Note even though I don't know what the 'beware' part is for? Why are we supposed to beware for that? Age doesn't matter when writing! c: Furthermore, for what this poem is writing about, this is fine. There's nothing too serious here and the themes don't go beyond the surface level but what am I supposed to say to that? The poem's about ice cream and if the purpose is to describe mint chocolate chip ice cream, this does alright though I'd definitely suggest using more sensory details to enhance the imagery because that's an element I can see being implemented well into a piece that describes life being like mint chocolate chip ice cream. That being said, the life part doesn't particularly stand out in my mind? If the simile between life and the ice cream were built with more detail, that aspect would be stronger. Giving an overall, while I don't mind this for what this is, this certainly isn't anything special or rather, this doesn't do or act on anything revolutionary. For what the piece is trying to be, this is fun and interesting enough. Nice job on that, Dranzer.If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
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