z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

Fairy Tail: ReBirth, Act 1, Chapter 1

by DragonNoir


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Act 1, Chapter 1:

The bustling streets of Oshibana Town filled with cheers and screams as the newly-elected Mayor strolled down the main street. Brightly coloured banners were put up all around, dancing in the playful breeze. Roses, tulips and many other flowers were thrown to the Mayor, who was on his way to City Hall. However, he did not stride alone. In front and behind him was an escort of two young men and two youthful ladies. These four were Team Leo of the wizard Guild Fairy Tail. This team consisted of Leo, Harvey, Celine and Margaret.

“Jesus, can’t this end already?” Harvey sighed, walking next to Margaret behind the Mayor.

“I know,” Leo replied, walking ahead of the Mayor next to Celine. “I just want something to happen already!”

“I’d prefer nothing happened today,” Margaret interjected. “Besides, not every job includes destroying everything in a ten-mile radius.”

“Shut up! Just because I’m a Dragon Slayer…”

“Exactly!” Celine said. “From what I heard about the Dragon Slayers, you always end up destroying everything! I’m surprised the Mayor even wanted you for this job!”

“He wanted brawn, so he got what he wanted,” Harvey added. “Just shut up and look intimidating. That way we’ll be able to get to City Hall without any distrac-”

A gunshot cut Harvey’s sentence short. As screams rang out across the street, the Mayor dropped to the ground in search of safety. Margaret located the gunner instantly in the crowd and dashed after him.

“Carry on without me! I’ll meet you guys at City Hall!” she called as she disappeared into the crowd. Leo sighed.

“Seriously? Why can’t I get to beat anyone up?” he moaned.

“Shut up, Leo! You sound like a seven-year-old.” Celine responded.

“Hey! I’m more mature than you’ll ever be!”

“Just shut the fuck up both of you!” Harvey yelled. The Mayor rose up from the ground and shook off the dirt from his suit.

“Grand. Let us continue this parade. Maybe a bit faster,” he said. After a moment of silence between them, Harvey decided to add with a chuckle:

“You two sound like an old married couple when you argue.”

“I swear, I will rip you to shreds!” Leo growled.

“I’ll beat you like your unloving mo-” Celine began.

“Don’t you think you should focus on protecting me instead of roasting each other?” the Mayor said in concern for his safety. “My God, I really picked the worst possible option turning to Fairy Tail for help…”

It took only an angry gaze from Leo’s yellow eyes to change the Mayor’s opinion.

***

Margaret chased after the gunner, despite being fired at quite a lot. She was slowly running out of breath, but she knew she couldn’t give up yet. Soon enough, the gunner ran into a dead end in an alley, he looked around desperately for an escape route as Margaret drew nearer. She drew a card and threw it down.

“Come forth, Virgo the Maiden!” she yelled. Five seconds later, out of thin air, a beautiful lady appeared. She wore a one-piece white dress and had a crown of brightly-coloured flowers on her head. She had fair skin; her dark brown flowing hair ended halfway down her back. Her dark pink eyes sparkled as she turned to face Margaret.

“It is wonderful to be at your service once more, Margie,” she said, her voice sounded like a beautiful symphony.

“It's good to see you too, Virgo. Now show this bastard what you can do!” Margaret pointed at the gunner accusatively. Virgo looked the gunner dead in the eyes, making him shiver. Virgo chuckled.

“You humans are really strange to be scared of a lady like myself. In fact, I'll show you why your current fears are immaterial compared to what punishment is to come!”

All there was, was a loud scream of agony.

***

Suddenly, a ball of fire was launched out from the crowd, just about passing over the Mayor’s head. Leo was about to throw himself after the attacker when Celine ran off first.

“There’s no way in Hell I’m letting you take anyone on!” she yelled as she phased past the crowd. Leo gave a quiet growl, but he, Harvey and the Mayor carried on walking. Well, speed-walking.

***

Celine chased after the fire-thrower relentlessly, despite being bombarded with thousands of fireballs. She soon yelled:

“Chain Magic: Kinky Boots!” A long chain enfolded the fire-thrower’s legs and tied them together very tightly. He fell to the ground with a loud thud, Celine smiled sadistically, she was clearly insane.

“Now, I’ll become your private tutor. The subject we’ll study is… PAIN!!”

***

Soon enough, they were just ahead of City Hall, where the crowd was at its peak. City Hall was made entirely of marble, a banner was placed over the front saying:

“WELCOME THE NEW MAYOR!”

Leo was getting more and more aggravated by the fact he hasn’t fought anyone yet. He’s the S-Class wizard around here, so he should be the one doing most of the fighting! As they approached the pure white stairs, a man ran out in front of them with a pistol. Before he was able to fire, Leo took a deep breath…

“Iron Dragon… ROAR!!!” he yelled at the top of his voice, as a huge grey whirlwind flew out of his mouth. Not only did it send the attacker flying, but also destroyed most of City Hall, but somehow the rest of the structure stayed intact. Harvey looked at Leo in annoyance, while the latter blushed.

“I- I’m sor-” Leo began.

“No!” Harvey yelled. “I’M FUCKING DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR BULLSHIT! THIS HAPPENS EVERY FUCKING TIME WE GO ON A JOB!! STOP! BEING! A FUCKING! FAILURE!!!” after he chilled his tits a bit, Harvey then turned to the Mayor and spent the next five minutes attempting to persuade him not to sue Leo. His attempts were fruitless, of course, so they returned to their Guild empty-handed.

***

Team Leo entered the Fairy Tail Guildhall, greeted by beer and laughed within the quite small hall. The two Guild Masters - Helen and Charlotte Kazema - sat by the bar and glared directly at Leo. Charlotte was holding a letter. As he approached them, Leo’s heartbeat quickened rapidly. When he was finally in front of them, he fell onto one knee and bowed his head.

“I am so very sorry please don’t kick me out I have nowhere to go!!” he pleaded. “It was an acciden-”

“YOU’RE AN ACCIDENT!!” Helen yelled. “ONE MORE INCIDENT LIKE THAT AND YOU’LL BE FACING TRIAL AGAINST THE MAGIC COUNCIL!!”

“And I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone win a trial against them.” Charlotte added calmly. “Either way, you are pardoned.”

"Thank you so much!” Leo got up, smiling with relief. He turned around and left them. He was suddenly greeted by his partner: Azai. He was a small liger cub; Leo found him when he was a little boy, but the liger always stayed a cub.

“Took you a while!” Azai said, jumping into Leo’s arms. Leo cuddled him warmly, laughing.

“I know, I’m sorry!” he said. “Should we get a job together?”

“Didn’t you get anything for that last one?”

When Leo blushed, Azai sighed.

“You really need to get a grip of yourself.”

“I’m sorry! It’s not my fault I’m excited for fighting! I’ve only recently become S-Class!”

“Thanks to who?” There was a moment of silence. Leo hung his head in shame.

“Thanks to you…”

“Precisely. Now get your ass in gear and let’s get a new job.”

They walked over to the request board, Azai jumped onto Leo’s broad shoulder.

“Ooh, look at this one!” Azai said, taking a request from the board. Leo read it carefully:

LILLY YURAMI OF SABERTOOTH REQUIRES ASSISTANCE WITH A JOB TO KILL A PLANT BEAST. WILL GIVE 50% OF THE REWARD (TOTAL: 60,000 JEWEL)

“Well this is a very rare sight for someone from Sabertooth. I could’ve sworn they were pretty cocky last year at the Grand Magic Games,” Leo sneered.

“Either way, I think we should go help her,” Azai said. “Just look at the reward!”

“Meh, you have a point. Let’s go for it!”

Chotto matte, my friends!” Harvey interjected, Margaret and Celine stood behind him. “Just where do you think you’re going without us?”

“Yeah! Where do you think you’re going?” Charlie squawked. Charlie was Harvey’s annoying little canary, she could use Sound magic to become really loud and you can imagine how painful that would be.

“Let me have a look at the job request,” Celine said, snatching the request from Leo. After she finished reading, she burst out laughing. “Sabertooth? Want help from us?! Ha! They’re so pathetic!!”

“I say we go and help them; this Lilly girl seems in a lot of danger.” Margaret said thoughtfully.

“I say we go and help her,” Leo said. Harvey smiled.

“You’re not going there to help her; you’re going there for the money,” he said.

“What?! I would never do such a thing! Never! Let us embark on this quest right away!”

Harvey rolled his eyes, but complied.

Author's Note: In case you're curious, "chotto matte" means "hold up" or "wait up". Either way, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It's my first time doing something fanfic-y on here, so it's a bit of something new. Also, this is a collab between me and a friend irl. They create the plot, I put it into writing. Anyways, I hope you liked this chapter and I look forwards to your comments!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
52 Reviews


Points: 5100
Reviews: 52

Donate
Sat Jul 01, 2017 12:33 pm
Dulcet wrote a review...



Aye (sir!) Fairy Tail! Not a manga/anime I follow, but one I like enough to look into the fandom every once in a while. I've seen enough of the anime to know how the world works, so I'll take the chance to review this if you don't mind! :)

So, onto the review! I won't say anything the previous reviewers have said already, so I have just a few points to talk about.

Specific Points of Note

“Jesus, can’t this end already?” Harvey sighed[...]


Just a nitpick, but about the worldbuilding: I think it'd do some good to consider whether Jesus, or rather, the religion of Christianity (or any other religion) exists in this fictional universe. If not, it wouldn't make sense for characters to use religious figures' names as curse words, or to mention them at all. Like I said, just a nitpick, but something to consider. Some nice worldbuilding means a rich world that the readers will want to know more about, as well as a cohesive setting that won't let readers get lost or confused in.

... Or at least, I assume this is set in a different universe and not just Earth-with-magic. Since Margaret uses cards and not keys to summon Virgo, I also assume this isn't set into the exact same universe as the original Fairy Tail. But if I'm wrong, just ignore me, haha. :)

It took only an angry gaze from Leo’s yellow eyes to change the Mayor’s opinion.


"angry gaze" should really be "glare", or something along the lines of that. "Glare" is more effective than "angry gaze".

“Come forth, Virgo the Maiden!” she yelled. Five seconds later, out of thin air, a beautiful lady appeared. She wore a one-piece white dress and had a crown of brightly-coloured flowers on her head. She had fair skin; her dark brown flowing hair ended halfway down her back. Her dark pink eyes sparkled as she turned to face Margaret.


I find it a bit strange that you go into some beautiful detail when describing Virgo, but haven't done the same with your four main characters. It's just a bit jarring to read this part and realise I have no idea what the main characters look like at all, yet for some reason have to know what this (I assume to be) side character looks like.

“Chotto matte, my friends!” Harvey interjected[..]


Ah, gratuitous Japanese, my old friend. I'm honestly not a big fan of it - though I used to be, heh - especially in this case, where it comes out of nowhere. I just don't really see a reason to use Japanese unless it's important to the plot, setting, or character-building. It IS fun, for some reason I don't know, to use Japanese in fanfiction though, so I understand why you used it xD but as fun as it is, I think everything should just be left in English unless the Japanese is essential to the story.

General Thoughts

I'm not too into the story to be honest, but that's only because I'm more of a YA contemporary kind of gal, heh. So the plot doesn't interest me too much, but that's because I'm not your target audience. Since I'm not knowledgeable about the genre, I can't really make any helpful comments about the plot - except that this is a pretty great start to the story. It dives right into the action with no unnecessary exposition, so good job!

I laughed at the points I was supposed to laugh, I think; the comedy in this is pretty great. I especially loved the mayor's “Don’t you think you should focus on protecting me instead of roasting each other?" :lol:

Everything in this is pretty exaggerated - the characters' personalities, the humour, the all-caps when people are shouting - but it works because, well, it's funny and just plain fun to read. The original Fairy Tail also exaggerated its characters and their reactions a lot, so this fanfic/story captured that aspect quite well.

My favourite character so far is probably Celine, if only because her magic and sadistic personality are amusing to read about. I wanna see more of her fighting. :D

That's all!

I think that's all from me! If anything I said was confusing, please tell me and I'll do my best to explain myself. And if anything I said is just plain wrong, again, tell me and we can discuss it and learn together. :)

Thanks for the read, and keep writing! :D




DragonNoir says...


Thanks for your feedback! I'll make sure I go into more detail as to how the characters look in Chapter 2. I didn't want to make this chapter too long with descriptions. I'll make sure I keep the worldbuilding context in mind. Once more, thank you for your feedback! :)



User avatar
760 Reviews


Points: 31396
Reviews: 760

Donate
Fri Jun 30, 2017 3:25 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey, here as requested :)

Nit-picks and nice moments:

“I know,” Leo replied

Hehe, "Leo"

“Seriously? Why can’t I get to beat anyone up?” he moaned.

Literally giggled out loud.

the Mayor said in concern for his safety

At the very least there should be a comma after "said" but I don't really think this is that descriptive. I can see that he's concerned about his safety from what he said, so here I think I'd like some information about what his voice actually sounded like.

after he chilled his tits a bit, Harvey then turned

Should be capital A at the start of the sentence.

“I am so very sorry please don’t kick me out I have nowhere to go!!” he pleaded. “It was an acciden-”

This doesn't sound very like Leo thus far. I maybe need a better impression of how intimidating these people are, or what he could be facing, to show what could cow what has so far been a pretty arrogant dude.

Overall:

Character: This is one of the reasons why I was worried about reading this. You introduce a lot of characters at once with very little information about them. The only one I get a really good sense of is Leo, which makes sense since he seems to be the main character, but it's really hard keeping track of all the other names. Of course, given that this is fanfiction, your intended audience probably knows who all these other people are. As a stand-alone piece though, probably want to slow it down a little all the way through, like you did with the interaction with Leo and Azai right at the end. I enjoyed that very much.

Setting: In a similar way, I have very limited understanding of what's going on around me. Maybe start with something less chaotic as the plot, perhaps preparation for this day so that I have time to meet the characters and understand the system of magic and assignments. I lost focus for a moment halfway through and assumed these people were genetic anomalies like in Que Sera Sera :P Leo just doesn't remind me of a wizard, but I may have been playing a little too much DnD and getting into the lore there.

Plot: This is a lot to take in for a first chapter. There's set-up, then immediately everything goes wrong. Because everything happened so fast, it makes it hard for me to invest in the thing that goes wrong, which means I feel less dread and am therefore less engaged. I think you can guess what I'm gonna say next... slow dowwwwn.

However, the tone of this is really fun and humorous. At first I wasn't sure about all the full caps but given that there have already been deadpan jokes like Leo being annoyed about not getting to fight, I am by that point on board with the humour. This is exactly what fanfiction should be - fun. And by the full caps, I can see your enthusiasm and the fact that you're having fun as you write it, which is even more what fanfiction is about.

I hope this has been in some way helpful despite my lack of context,
Biscuits :)




User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Thu Jun 29, 2017 7:58 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

So first of all, I want to say I love the style of this, where it's magic and wizards and stuff but they're just talking like modern people. Like my story, really, that way. It's so much more fun to write that way! Not that I don't like "high fantasy" and stuff, but...this is just nice sometimes.

So that was fun. I also reeeeeeally enjoyed the fact that Leo is such a screw-up. We could've had a wizardly protagonist who was really good at his job and amazing at magic, but instead we got someone who totally failed and in fact made things way worse when he tried to help.

(There was a Will Smith superhero movie like that, wasn't there? I never saw it, but it sounded hilarious. I forget what it was called.)

They actually all seem kind of bad at their jobs, though - except Margaret - since the rest of them, in response to being shot at, just started arguing. Like, wow, guys. Maybe you could worry about the guy you're supposedly protecting? Maybe literally any of you could keep a lookout for further danger? But instead they fight. Which was funny but also left me questioning why they're in charge here.

“Don’t you think you should focus on protecting me instead of roasting each other?” the Mayor said in concern for his safety. “My God, I really picked the worst possible option turning to Fairy Tail for help…”


Me too, Mr. Mayor, me too.

Finally, the dialogue at the end seemed a little odd to me. I guess I don't know enough about this world yet to draw the conclusion that "this Lilly girl seems in danger," although I'd think if she had enough time to take out a classified in the paper the danger can't be that immediate. I think the last two lines of dialogue were probably meant to tell us more about Leo's character, but it came across as kind of stilted.

What is this a fanfictiony thing of?

Image




DragonNoir says...


Thanks for your feedback! About that Will Smith movie... I think you might be talking about Hancock (which is amazing either way). I'm glad you're enjoying it! This is supposed to be a fanfic of Fairy Tail, the anime. Once more, thanks for your feedback! :)



BluesClues says...


HANCOCK. Yes, that's it. I'll have to see if it's on Netflix.



User avatar
284 Reviews


Points: 4250
Reviews: 284

Donate
Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:33 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...



Hello, DragonNoir!

I have been a fan of Fairy Tail for a long time now. However, I haven't found the rest of the about 100 some episodes on any free website. So, I may not know who these characters are or even if they're made up--in fact I don't so bare with me.

“Jesus, can’t this end already?” Harvey sighed, walking next to Margaret behind the Mayor.


I don't see the necessity in starting the dialogue with such a strong curse word. Yes, Fairy Tail has cursing in it, but I don't remember them ever using 18+ ones like this. I don't think it gives Fairy Tail a good name since the series is also supposed to be somewhat kid-friendly.

A gunshot cut Harvey’s sentence short. As screams rang out across the street, the Mayor dropped to the ground in search of safety. Margaret located the gunner instantly in the crowd and dashed after him.

“Carry on without me! I’ll meet you guys at City Hall!” she called as she disappeared into the crowd. Leo sighed.


Didn't Margret say "I'd prefer nothing happened today"? So why would she be the one to take off first? I realize the want to introduce Zirgo, but there is time to do that later since this is a part 1.

“Just shut the fuck up both of you!” Harvey yelled. The Mayor rose up from the ground and shook off the dirt from his suit.

“Grand. Let us continue this parade. Maybe a bit faster,” he said. After a moment of silence between them, Harvey decided to add with a chuckle:

“You two sound like an old married couple when you argue.”

“I swear, I will rip you to shreds!” Leo growled.

“I’ll beat you like your unloving mo-” Celine began.

“Don’t you think you should focus on protecting me instead of roasting each other?” the Mayor said in concern for his safety. “My God, I really picked the worst possible option turning to Fairy Tail for help…”

It took only an angry gaze from Leo’s yellow eyes to change the Mayor’s opinion.


I already dislike the characters and don't see the need for the word "fuck". They already seem like a bunch of bad mouthing jerks, and since they're the MCs they should be likeable for the most part.

“You humans are really strange to be scared of a lady like myself. In fact, I'll show you why your current fears are immaterial compared to what punishment is to come!”


This is really what she says? It almost seems silly to me to. The way she makes fun of him because he's scared. It doesn't make her look cool. I'd personally have her say only a few words. Maybe words that summon her magic power or something. Mocking him just doesn't seem like a good way to introduce her.

“No!” Harvey yelled. “I’M FUCKING DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR BULLSHIT! THIS HAPPENS EVERY FUCKING TIME WE GO ON A JOB!! STOP! BEING! A FUCKING! FAILURE!!!” after he chilled his tits a bit, Harvey then turned to the Mayor and spent the next five minutes attempting to persuade him not to sue Leo. His attempts were fruitless, of course, so they returned to their Guild empty-handed.


Again with the language! I understand Harvey is probably really upset with Leo, but gosh... the overreaction here is almost cringe-worthy. You could instead have him slap him backside the head, and do a little bit of yelling but is the f-word really necessary?

“YOU’RE AN ACCIDENT!!” Helen yelled. “ONE MORE INCIDENT LIKE THAT AND YOU’LL BE FACING TRIAL AGAINST THE MAGIC COUNCIL!!”

“And I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone win a trial against them.” Charlotte added calmly. “Either way, you are pardoned.”

"Thank you so much!” Leo got up, smiling with relief. He turned around and left them. He was suddenly greeted by his partner: Azai. He was a small liger cub; Leo found him when he was a little boy, but the liger always stayed a cub.


This quieted down too quickly... maybe don't use all caps. I realize the frustration again, but I really don't like this lady now for flipping out so much.

“Chotto matte, my friends!” Harvey interjected, Margaret and Celine stood behind him. “Just where do you think you’re going without us?”

“Yeah! Where do you think you’re going?” Charlie squawked. Charlie was Harvey’s annoying little canary, she could use Sound magic to become really loud and you can imagine how painful that would be.

“Let me have a look at the job request,” Celine said, snatching the request from Leo. After she finished reading, she burst out laughing. “Sabertooth? Want help from us?! Ha! They’re so pathetic!!”

“I say we go and help them; this Lilly girl seems in a lot of danger.” Margaret said thoughtfully.

“I say we go and help her,” Leo said. Harvey smiled.

“You’re not going there to help her; you’re going there for the money,” he said.

“What?! I would never do such a thing! Never! Let us embark on this quest right away!”

Harvey rolled his eyes, but complied.


So Leo screws up really badly, and Harvey being the hot-head he is doesn't at least scold Leo? And no one else is mad at him? I don't believe it.

Overall I'd say I like the idea of Virgo and Leo's little cub friend, but I don't like the characters and that's because they all seem like a bunch of whiny little kids with Tourette's. The girls are more likeable because they have cursed or acted like shit-heads. I don't know. I think you could do a lot better than this, and I think the plot could be more exciting. I'd add more action and less cursing. Anyways, I don't know what else to say, but I think you should rewrite this to accurately show the charm of Fairy Tail, and not the over dramatic teenage drama these characters give off. I'd keep the language PG 13 honestly.

Image




DragonNoir says...


Thank you for your feedback! I'll try my best to cut down on the cursing, but even then, I'm doing mine and a friend's version of Fairy Tail, not reprinting Fairy Tail's format with a new plot and new characters. I understand that Fairy Tail is child-friendly and all, but that doesn't mean this also has to be child-friendly. Either way, I'll to cut down on swearing in future, but I'm not the only one running this project, so it's not all up to me. Either way, thank you for your feedback :)




Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author