Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Supernatural

12+

Mirrored

by DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza


That day was a stepping stone. Something that would haunt me for the rest of my everlasting life. Now, if your a psychopath, that can earn a laugh! Much like everyone around me smiled, as I fell to my demise. ‘Why didn’t they say anything?’ The truth is, I don’t even know where to begin anymore. It feels less like a story, and more like a nightmare. And, perhaps, maybe it is. Everyday, I beg myself to wake up… But I never do.

It had all started on a chill saturday morning. I’d just finished doing the laundry and started folding in my room. The sweet aroma of campfires from lit candles swarmed my nose. I started humming. A tune I’ve since forgotten.

“What are you doing?” My mother yelled, entering without knocking. You’d think I was old enough for privacy being 16 and all. But I was wrong. Much like most things in my life, I could never just say no.

“Looking for narnia.” I say sarcastically, folding my favorite pair of jeans. They were slick, unlike my jokes.

I remember the long mirror that was in the corner of my room. The way it would taunt me, sitting there, unmoving. It liked to toy with me. Of course, I didn’t know the truly horrific events that would take place that day. And even if I did, it wouldn’t have changed anything.

“Hilarious.” She tossed the phone from her hand on the bed. My phone. “You left this on the kitchen table. I told you to be more responsible! What if that cat jumped up?!”

“Mr. Whiskers wouldn’t hurt a fly.” I smile.

“Oh yeah? You have enough money to afford these jokes?” She asked rhetorically. I guess she had gotten me there. I was broke, and now I’m broken. See? Things never change, they just go full circle. The sooner you learn life sucks the better.

“Alright, alright.” I look over to the mirror in the corner, when suddenly my reflections head jolts sideways. I hadn’t moved at all… Had I??

“Oh my god.” I gasped, dropping my feathered socks.

My mother piped in curiously. “What?”

I looked away and then back and my reflection was completely normal. There was no threat so being stupid I brushed it off.

“I forgot some homework I had to do.” I laughed, finishing folding the last shirt.

My mom leaves as I put my clothes in the drawers and walk over to the mirror.

I moved my hand up and down, waiting for something strange to happen. Finally, I play it up to hallucinations and what not.

I go by the rest of my day. Cleaning my room, playing with my phone, watching netflix. And by now it’s become dark outside. What a perfect concoction of fear. It was clever. The setting of my predicament. No one would hear me scream.

I sit up on my bed when I see something move in the corner of my eye. I look over to the mirror. Although pink wallpaper lined the walls around my room; it didn’t seem very friendly.

I stood up, barely breathing, walking to the wide mirror. You could say I was scared. Or you could say I was terrified. Both are correct as I creeped over to the reflective surface.

I waved in front of it, gritting my teeth. I could see my stringy blonde hair and callous blue eyes. For a moment, nothing happened. The reflection didn’t move at all, until I put my hand down, then it waved back…

I screeched, my knees wanting to collapse. Fear had swallowed me whole, and it wasn’t releasing me anytime soon. I was sure of it.

“You know… Screaming at a friend isn’t very nice.” The reflection spoke, grinning stupidly. I could hardly believe my eyes. “Didn’t your mother teach you manners?”

Oh my mother taught me manners alright. BUT SHE DIDN’T TEACH ME THAT FREAKING REFLECTIONS COULD SPEAK. I remember thoughts racing through my head, looking for a way out of this… Nightmare. But I never did.

“You must be shocked.” Her voice was in a very mocking tone. The way she put her hand on her hips, scrunching her nose. It was as if she enjoyed this. This game of insanity. And thinking back, I think this was to lure me into her devious plan. “I’m sure you’ve known today’s a blood moon.”

“I…” Words struggled to break loose out of my mouth. I was searching for something to say, something meaningful. “How did you get in my room?” What an idiot.

She giggled, laughing hysterically. “I’m your reflection dummy. And I steal souls every blood moon.” She stopped laughing, her voice suddenly serious. “And you’re my next victim.”

“Who are you?” I don’t remember why I didn’t run. Why I decided to stay, talking to my own stupid reflection. I guess I led myself to this life, stupidly waiting for a bad ending. I should’ve broke the mirror. Something, anything… I know it would’ve just been a dead end, but I still feel frustrated. Even after all these years…

“Allow me to explain your predicament.” She hushed me, smirking. “2 years ago. On the last blood moon.... Your mother made me a deal.”

My heart dropped; I didn’t want to hear the rest of those words…

But she continued anyways. “She told me if I didn’t steal her body, next blood moon, I’d have the soul of her first born.”

No more weird and psycho conversations occurred as my reflection reached out of the mirror pulling me in, and pulling herself out.

I remember the stare she gave me as she left the room…

Now I sit here everyday as a puppet, strings dictating my every moment. I don’t have the strength to steal someone's body, so I sit here. Knowing everyday's the same. There are no words exchanged. Nothing. It’s all a dead end.

But my body’s getting older, and soon my physical body will die. And I’ll just be a soul wandering around a black screen. With no pigments of color.

A new family moved in recently and I took the form as a young girl. Crying in the bitter night. I'd since abandoned humanity as I made a deal with the mother. Turns out people aren't as selfless as I once thought.

I told you. Things never change, they just go full circle.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
73 Reviews


Points: 7043
Reviews: 73

Donate
Wed Sep 04, 2019 10:39 am
View Likes
Asith wrote a review...



Hi again!
I've read two of your creepy-ish short stories now, and this one is my favourite! I'd go as far as to say it's drastically better :p

I love how the creepy element of the story has purpose now. If I may be so bold, I'd reiterate that that was what had been lacking in your other story, but you don't have that problem here. Writing more stories with purpose in kind like is definitely the way to go, imo

The final few paragraphs, from "now I sit here everyday as a puppet" are my favourites. You've done an excellent job at describing the more horror-esque aspect of the story, and the conclusion was marvellous too. I actually like how brief the journey towards the end is, it seems to add some feeling of limitation to the main character's predicament.

Speaking of the main character, she does feel a little hollow. Her mother, too. I think a little more development of their relationship -- even just in the main character's thoughts -- would go a long way. This is a character-centred story at its core; mothers literally trading their daughter's life to a reflection. It would be nice to have some sort of understanding as to how these mothers can make that decision, and how the main character's feelings towards her mother change, if at all, after she realises what has happened.

Additionally, the narration is a little off-putting for me. I wonder if the main character narrating her own story really fits. The dry self-depreciation is funny, but does it fit? This may just be me though! If this is the style of narration that works for you, then by all means continue! :)

To wrap up, I thoroughly enjoyed the story, especially the ending. Excited to read more from you :)






Yeah, the other story I wrote at like 3 AM cuz I was bored lol. Thanks for the review!



User avatar
382 Reviews


Points: 11613
Reviews: 382

Donate
Tue Sep 03, 2019 6:49 pm
View Likes
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there Daria! Tuck here for a quick review :). I'll start off with some nitpicks/minor details and then jump into some more big-picture stuff. Let's get to it!

Now, if your a psychopath, that can earn a laugh!
Wrong "your" here; it should be "you're".

The sooner you learn life sucks, the better.


There was no threat so, being stupid, I brushed it off.


There were several other grammar mistakes that I didn't point out simply because I wanted to be able to focus on some more major topics, but I would definitely recommend to be careful of that moving forward. Grammar mistakes, while minor, can make your writing seem unprofessional and sloppy, and it can distract readers from your story when they're so focused on your missing commas and such.

I really loved the last line! It brings the theme of your story full-circle, funnily enough, and shows a lot of acceptance, which shows that the plot issue has been resolved. It was really clever and well done, probably my favorite part of this short story.

However, there were a few areas I thought you could improve. For example, I didn't find the main character to be very likeable, which made it harder to empathize with her or become emotionally invested in the story. It seems like she's rude to her mother for no reason (even though her mother DID sell her to an evil spirit, although she didn't know that at the time), and she doesn't display many admirable traits. While she obviously shouldn't be perfect, I think if you established her character a little bit more at the beginning and helped her feel more well-rounded by giving us information like her favorite things in life or her goal.

And secondly, I find it hard to believe that the mothers wouldn't put up some effort to resist. A mother's love for her child is very far-extending, so even if there was a mother terrible enough to trade her child's life for hers, it seems a little far-fetched that two mothers would do that, without putting up a fight.

But overall, the foreshadowing and the horror element of this piece was excellent and very well-executed, and the way you brought it full-circle with the message at the end and tied everything together was fantastic. If you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to clear any confusion up!

All my best,
Tuck






Thank you!



User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 499
Reviews: 12

Donate
Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:02 pm
View Likes
riotheselcouth wrote a review...



Hi humpy dumpy Dariathegirlwholovespizza, I'm Riothe Selcouth,btw i like your name because i like pizza too.

Okay, let's proceed.

Ahm, Daria. At first paragraph of your novel there's a word "psychopath" that picks my attention. While am reading your novel continuously, i noticed that it becomes a creepy and creepy and creepy. You know? i feel your feelings, your strong feelings while you writing that novel and it makes me happy coz for me that was cool and awesome.

I really love your genre.

My darling,
keep on writing, keep it up. Spread your words okay?

—riothe selcouth 🍂




User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 1125
Reviews: 9

Donate
Mon Sep 02, 2019 5:53 pm
View Likes
Cici wrote a review...



Hi DarlaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza! I hope you don't mind that I'm back.

Wonderful plot! I loved the chilling storyline and the format. I liked how the protagonist is looking back on to that faithful day and expressing her sorrows. Following, we read about what happened, and then you conclude with her thoughts in the present. Again, I can see your masterful character skills, and I'm impressed. The dialogue was very nicely done and seems realistic.

You began with an introduction from the present-self reflecting on that significant day. Then we are transported to a flashback of the day that changed everything. I want to point out that you write the flashback in the past tense, but sometimes you switch to present tense. For example, "I say sarcastically" should be "I said sarcastically." This is a quick and simple fix.

As much as I loved the introduction, it was scattered. Maybe focus on one concise point that the girl wants to maul over, which might be that "things never change, they just go in a full circle."This will make the beginning and main objective easier to understand. Read the first paragraph again, think about what you want the audience to receive. Some of the sentences seem unfinished; you might want to revise them. To give you an idea of what some of those sentences are, this sentence: "Much like everyone around me smiled, as I fell to my demise" doesn't quite make sense. It certainly gets the gist across after a few rereads, but make it more clear.

This story needs some more explanation. I don't quite understand how everything happened. Obviously, the main character seemed just as confused as I was, and you do describe everything as a nightmare. Maybe it doesn't really need explaining, but I think having a legend of reflections that steal bodies would be cool. Not sure how you would incorporate into the story so, scratch that. I merely felt left out of some clarification. Although, this might all be a metaphor and that would be cool.

I don't think you mention her stringy blonde hair and callous blue eyes that much in this story. I kinda forgot about this detail. Try sprinkling this trait in the rest of the narrative. When you talk about the soul with no pigments of color, maybe include something about her hair turning dusty and blue eyes fading away.

Some lines are choppy and vague. I would suggest rereading this piece over again and just altering sentences. While doing that, also keep in mind the content that you want the reader to obtain. What idea are you getting across?

I would recommend stating some of the main character's dreams and aspirations. This will make us readers feel the impact of being stuck in the mirror since she had goals. Giving the girl a sort of optimistic and cheerful personality will show the contrast of what she is like now compared to her old self.

Maybe give some foreshadowing of what the mom did. Like, have her look at the mirror, mention the blood moon on that day. This will bind the story together more.

I enjoyed reading this, and I liked how the title mirrors (see what I did) the story. This has an amazing plot and theme! The dialogue and characters are great!

Good job! I look forward to your future works.

Cici







User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 643
Reviews: 60

Donate
Mon Sep 02, 2019 4:42 pm
View Likes
Gnomish wrote a review...



Oh wow!

Okay, glad I'm not reading this before I go to sleep! I really like the format of this story, it's creepy without being to unrealistic. Also, I appreciate you mentioning that you couldn't leave, because I feel like it adds a lot more body to the story. I really like the ending of this story, with the POV character switching places into the mirror, and doing the same thing to the next family.

-Gnomish





People with writer's blocks should get together and build a castle.
— Love