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E - Everyone

The Predecessors: Chapter One

by Danni88


Madame Prince's Academy for the Gifted as not a usual school. It was a school for powerful inhumans - witches, wizards, shapeshifters, elementalists….. any kind of magic in the worlds (apart from the demons.) The humans thought it was just a fancy school. 

Oh boy, how wrong they were. 

Madame Prince's was built over a rift. It appeared in two worlds - Midgard and Fairyland. Nobody really knew how this happened, but it worked for them perfectly.

It was the middle of the spring term, and the pupils of Madame Prince's were going back to school. 

I know, I know. Why are they starting in the middle of the term? 

Well, in the February half-term, one of the teachers left an enchanted diamond in the lab, to investigate in school time. It turned out to be cursed and blew up, exploding most of the school. Luckily nobody was hurt, but intensive repairs had to be carried out. Now it was fixed, and the pupil's extended holiday was over. 

The massive Great Hall was crammed full of chattering pupils embracing their friends, rushing to shout goodbyes to their parents, running off to explore the school. There was one word for it, and that word was 'chaos'.

"Move out of my way, Lavina," a voice snapped. 

A tall African girl was striding through the hordes. Yasmin Cox towered over the other children in her form. She had long black hair, fierce brown eyes and was wearing a ruby necklace that was definitely not allowed. 

She snapped her fingers in front of Lavina's face. "Hello? Are you deaf? Get out of my way!" 

Lavina jumped and darted to the side. "Sorry, Yasmin."

Yasmin glared at her. 

"You're too hard on her, Yas," said a Chinese girl, tapping Yasmin on the shoulder. 

Yasmin spun around, eyes blazing, but relaxed when she saw the girl's face. "Hey, Ying." She hugged her best friend. "She's a moron. She deserves it."

"You boss her about too much. And everyone, come to think of it." She laughed. "But Lavina is a moron." 

Yasmin linked her arm through Ying's. "Can you see Bobs?" 

"No." Ying scanned the crowd. "Oh, yeah! There he is." She waved at a gangly Chinese boy in glasses who was standing in a corner looking confused. "BOBBY! OVER HERE!" 

Bobby looked up, spotted Ying jumping up and down like a rabbit and grinned. He pushed his way through the crowd. "Oh my god, this place is so massive! How do you ever find your way around?" 

Ying, Bobby and Yasmin had been friends since they were seven years old. Until recently, Bobby had been going to a different school to them, but after months of cajoling his dad had agreed to send him to Madame Prince's. 

"Your hair looks nice short, Ying," said Bobby. 

Ying grinned and twirled a finger through her hair. It used to reach past her bottom, but now barely went past her shoulders. "Thanks, Ka Yan cut it for me. Mum hates it. She calls it 'an affront to good taste.'"

Yasmin burst out laughing. "That's rich coming from her. Does she still wear those stupid hats?" 

"Your mum's just as bad," Ying said defensively. 

"Yeah," Bobby nodded. "They should start up a club - the 'Mums in Stupid Clothes club'." 

Yasmin was about to say something when she was knocked over by a boy running at full pelt into her. 

"Hey!" She glared at him from the floor. "Watch where you're going, you useless twit!" 

The boy turned around and grinned. He was nearly as tall as Yasmin herself, with dark brown skin, black curly hair and mischievous dark eyes. "Ah, ah, ah," he said, wiggling his finger at her, "I'm a useful twit. There's a difference." 

Yasmin got up. "Can't you leave me alone for FIVE MINUTES, Sam?" 

A second boy came over and tapped Sam on the arm. He was short and stocky, with wild red hair, freckles and green eyes. "Hey, Sammy, let's go and check out the football pitch. Don't hang around with the losers - you might catch the weirdness bug off them." 

They both burst out laughing. 

"Er, who are these?" asked Bobby. 

Ying rolled her eyes. "Meet Thing One and Thing Two - Sam Bloom and Tim Witkinson. Madame Prince's resident idiots."

"Along with yourself, of course," said Sam, winking at her. 

"Oh, go take a flying jump," Yasmin hissed. 

"Only if you go boil your head." 

From a little while away, Lavina and one of the new girls were watching them insult each other. 

"Who the heck are those girls?" the new girl asked. 

Lavina sighed. "Yasmin Bloom and Ying Zhang. They're total loonies. Watch out for the black girl, she's tough and jumps at any excuse to thump someone. The two boys are just as bad, although they're more likely to insult you than thump you. Zhang will probably just curse you. Unfortunately, I'm in Cheetah Dorm with the four of them." 

The new girl turned pale. "Oh, shoot. I'm in Cheetah Dorm too." 

Lavina sighed. "Good luck. I'm Lavina Carter, by the way." 

"Marnie Perrow." Marnie smiled and turned back to watch them. 

"YOU DUMB, PEA-BRAINED WEIRDO!" Yasmin yelled at Tim. 

"Strange, aren't they?" Marnie added. 

Lavina gave a wry smile. "They give the word 'strange' a new meaning."


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Thu Sep 20, 2018 7:37 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi again! I'm still between books so it looks like I'm going to review on my commute instead while I wait for Amazon to bring me the one that I want (nether-mind that I have a few hundred I haven't read at home already).

Which means here I am :)

Specifics

1.

Madame Prince's Academy for the Gifted was not a usual school. It was a school for powerful inhumans - witches, wizards, shapeshifters, elementalists….. any kind of magic in the worlds (apart from the demons.) The humans thought it was just a fancy school.
Oooh fun introduction and a good way to set out expectations, especially about the demons being excluded. Who'd let those nasty demons in anyway. The last sentence is a little flat and may read better as 'But the humans didn't know that'.

2.
I know, I know. Why are they starting in the middle of the term?

Well, in the February half-term, one of the teachers left an enchanted diamond in the lab, to investigate in school time. It turned out to be cursed and blew up, exploding most of the school. Luckily nobody was hurt, but intensive repairs had to be carried out. Now it was fixed, and the pupil's extended holiday was over.
This is all a bit too info dumpy and well the narrative tone is quite fun and colloquial, it's boring to read about things that have already happened like this. I think you can jump right in and have the students talk about it later - it will be more interesting to hear about it through them.

3. Yasmin's super tall, right? She's probably quite hard to knock down so maybe describe the force that the boy runs into her with or how she unbalances in her shoes? Is she wearing heels? I'm guessing not since they're at school but it will help us picture the scene instead of being confused that someone taller than everyone else is so easily knocked down.

Overall

So there's a lot of people being introduced here and a magical school so that's a lot going on! I think you need to be careful with your narrative voice - it starts out with a very colloquial narrator and then glides over to Yasmin's point of view but at the end there, it seems to be focused on Lavina and the new girl. I think the colloquial narrator works well for covering a lot of characters and a setting so probably stick with that but you need a few more of his/ her asides toward the end and when it switches from the school to Yasmin to Lavina, we need to feel like it's the narrator who's guiding us there so we have at least one constant throughout the chapter.

It's interesting that you seem to introduce the mean characters first an give them more screen time. I kind of like that and I'm hoping they turn out to be main characters for who they are, rather than for being the nemesis of Lavina. I think you also need to be careful though - bullying is a really sensitive topic for a lot of people and at the moment this feels like you're creating a race war since you've told us Jasmine is African, she has a Chinese friend and Lavina hasn't been described much but I'm assuming she's white? It may be best to describe the characters rather than to tell us they are African/ Chinese and to bring that into it more later. It's great to be diverse but people will be watching you even more carefully to make sure you do it 'right'.

I'm not sure about the blend of Norse mythology and more general magic, though if the narrator turns out to be a Norse God or something then that could work.

Overall, this seems like a fun and action packed way to start!

~Heather




Danni88 says...


Lavina%u2019s actually Eralian (a place I made up)
Thanks for the review! :)



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Mon Sep 03, 2018 11:15 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Yo, Danni! Thanks for all of those things to review! I needed this, since I am

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to complete RevMo!

Okay, I’m going to be frank here: this is not my favorite of your chapters that you’ve written. Usually, I really enjoy your writing, but this time it was just “eh.” And, this time, it’s not just because of the discrimination against my kind ;-;

Personally, it seemed very choppy for you. It was just explanation after explanation, unrealistic characters, you used some very controversial descriptions (in America, people get super offended when hoomans use words like “African” and they’re always like: always use something NON-RACIST even though it’s not... so watch your words), dialogue upon dialogue, random references to Norse mythology, and unrealistic bullies.

I’m going to help you with all of those, divided by sections~! I love my sections lmao

Explanations and Dialogue:



So, in the beginning, you have one explanation paragraph through the other, and it seems like you were attempting to be more personable by using first person and being like a narrative. Don’t. It’s one of my pet peeves when people do that (unless they’re trying to be mysterious or something); other people get bothered by it either. I recommend to avoid it unless you become a super good author and have written at least thirty books or something and/or you’re a number one New York Times bestseller (I mean, there are exceptions. James Patterson did it in a few of his books and it was cringy, but yet I can name at least three authors who weren’t NYT bestsellers that pulled it off pretty dang well).

Explanation is also where a prologue comes in. You can explain everything about the school from, say, the dean’s (principal’s... idk what terms you British-ians use. The internet said “headteacher”), perspective. For example, you could have, instead of just explaining what had happened, you could have the principal/dean/headteacher talk about the different rooms (a tour, perhaps?)

”And over here is the science laboratory that caused our students to leave for almost the entire spring term! {unnamed science teacher} was going to research a magical diamond and its properties, but it turned out to be cursed,” the {insert term here} said, turning towards you with a sarcastic face. “Imagine that.

“Anyways, it blew up the school, which caused the students to have an extended holiday. Oh! I have a story about that term.”


Like that, maybe.

I also did like the wording of “extended holiday”.

Something like that. That way, you can get right onto the chapter and if the reader skipped the prologue and is confused, it’s their fault.

So about the dialogue, I would recommend adding some description to break it up. A smaller paragraph would do—three or more lines should do the trick. For added emphasis you should add actions in the paragraph too, to show what the characters are doing.

I could talk about this all day, but I’d rather not since I have a family friend coming over soon o.o

Realisticness:



I will be very blunt here: I took a lot of offense to the commentary to the bullying.

As a girl who was seriously bullied verbally, all of the comments from the girls are NOT realistic. Instead, bullies don’t even realise that they’re doing it. They don’t actively call people names unless they are a truly foul person, and, if it’s in a middle school, it’s usually a swear. Instead, bullies almost always use the powers of rumors to do things like that. Therefore, have your Y-named characters spread a rumor about their victims instead.

Also, some Americans would freak if they didn’t know that you were from England about the “African girl” being the bully. Now, I don’t take offence, since I know you’re from England and that you want diversity, but it would be a good idea to make one girl (the lead bully) white and the other girl Kenyan or something (and it seems less racist when you use a country name, just saying that right here), just to kind of lessen the possible triggered hoomans about racism. I mean, people would probably judge you anyway, but I don’t want you to get judged even more than you have to.

(just a note, you shouldn’t use two “Y” names. It’ll become like Game of Thrones; very very confusing when it comes to names)

(and avoid some stereotypes too. Not all popular kids are rich, or famous, or are sporty. Just keep that in mind)

References:



I know that you love Norse mythology, but you really shouldn’t use it ALL the time, randomly. Maybe use a Norse name and Norse related powers, but random references to Earth being Midgard isn’t probably the best idea.

Alright, that’s enough for the night. I’m tired, there’s a dog on my keyboard, and I have time tomorrow to review too! :D

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Danni88 says...


I agree, this needs TONS more work. I%u2019ll probably rewrite it soon.



Danni88 says...


Also, it%u2019s not really bullying. They just find each other really annoying, but I see I%u2019ve written it wrongly now.



zaminami says...


Okay, thanks



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Sun Aug 26, 2018 7:43 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi @Shikora here with a review.

I really liked this work. It's really good. You got the way school works into your work, i really like that. I also like the way all the characters are different. It makes it very interesting.

Now down to the review. I'm going to start off with the African girl Yasmin. I like how you gave her a small description when we first meet her, but I think you could add more. Like what is she wearing? Now the diamond necklace she is wearing what does it look like?

Now lets talk about Lavina, from what i can tell she is a shy and kind person. But I would like to no more about what she looks like. Does she wear pants? What does her face look like.

Also what does the place all the kids are hanging out at look like. Does it have grass, of concrete. What does the place smell like. Is it noisy with all those kids around? That is something you should keep in mind.

Now back to Lavina, so from what i can tell she is the main character. It would be interesting to go into her thoughts, it would help the reader get connected with her.

Now there is a tip i will share with you. when you write you should always keep this in mind. smell, sound, feel and sight. Always keep this in mind.

And that is all from me, i hope it helped. And i hope to see more works from you. Never stop writing.
Have a good day!

Your friend @Shikora. And happy review day.




Danni88 says...


Hi! Thanks for the review! Yasmin and Ying are actually the main characters, Lavina is like a bystander narrator.
I will make the necessary edits! Do you want me to tag you in the next chapter?





Okay sorry about the main character thing! Yes please if it's not to much trouble.



Danni88 says...


No problem! :)





Thanks!



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Thu Aug 16, 2018 1:15 pm
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Danni88 says...



Please be as harsh as you want! I'm tagging all the Scarlet Hart fans as well because this is a spin-off that happened before the SH characters were born.
If you want to be added to the tagging list, like this comment.
BTW, if anyone has any title suggestions, plz help!

@Rydia @zaminami @Bloodlord @FantasyWriter76 @LakeOfCancer @CarolineGlitter @AlexTheGreat @KatieC @WonderCassie @UtterlyBonkers





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