Young Writers Society

Hello!

I really enjoyed this scene you've painted here. So serene, yet eerie and sad. I love mixing contrasting imagery like this; the softness of the pink sakura blossoms against the harshness of blood and dead or dying man. I would have like just a tiny bit more description of the man, however. Like what he was wearing? Armor would tell the reader that he probably died in battle while normal clothes would suggest maybe he was murdered unfairly. Other than that I do like the mystery surrounding it, I would just like that little bit of a hint as to how he ended up like this. Aside from that I really did enjoy reading this little piece. I loved how much feeling and mood you get across in such a short story.

Keep at it!
-Thistle

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!!

Ooh, this was an interesting piece! I love how short it was; I feel like that really gives the reader a chance to digest everything they read, and it also makes it easier to get a reread in and to pick up new things each time you read. I think this was very unique, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!!

One thing I think you did well was your descriptions and contrast. I really loved the description that started out with the peaceful plains, and then you ended with a dead man. I think that path you take throughout was really nicely set up. The peacefulness combined with the remnants of violence combined with the title makes me think that this could be about the balance between life/death, or that death wears many faces, and can be either peaceful or tumultuous. I think you did a really great job of conveying that contrast throughout though, especially with your last paragraph.

One thing I did wonder about was if maybe this could be expanded. I didn't see much of a plot in here; it was mainly just scene setting. I did enjoy the twist you had though, but it wasn't a very long story. Quality isn't always quantity, and I think you've got a great piece as is, but I am curious if maybe you could elevate that twist even more. I'm left with several questions after reading, and I don't think that much was resolved in this piece. Why is the man dead underneath the sakura tree? How did he get there? What purpose does he have other than providing the contrast with the rest of the story? I feel like if you maybe hinted at some connection between them, the reader could then make that connection themselves and it would give the story a more satisfying feel.

Specifics

It's lonely presence in the silent plains feels eerie to anyone who sees it in the far distance. It's calmness is so unfamiliar to the mind.

Observe closely and you’ll see the blood seeping through the pedals veins, like watercolor when it touches the canvas.

His head is tilted upward with his mouth partially open, and his eyes are lifeless, the only thing that lives in them is a sakura that his eyes reflect from above him.

Hello! I am here to review!

I'll note things down as I read.

'lonely sakura tree. It's lonely presence' - repetition. Perhaps swap for another word.

'unfamiliar to the mind... sticks in your mind... flash in your mind' - again, repetition.

'blood drops rain' - that sounds odd. Perhaps 'bloody rain drops'?

'like watercolor when it touches the canvas' - I like this description! Very vivid and beautiful.

Okay, the introduction of the man struck me by surprise as up until now, the story seems to be written as if this is a constantly flowing event that whoever walks by this tree will see. And you've already established it's a lone tree. Is the man always there? Is this just one occasion?

Overall, the image of the dead man impaled under the tree (which I am guessing he has committed hara kiri) is beautifully horrific. I love it! But I think the story needs some reworking.

A lot of the descriptions are quite cliche, that's why I pointed out the water colour one. That was the one that struck me as vibrant and new.

Hope this helps!