Young Writers Society



Death's Illusion

by CotardDelusionz


In a vast empty plain where the grass is green lives a beautiful lonely sakura tree. It's lonely presence in the silent plains feels eerie to anyone who sees it in the far distance. It's calmness is so unfamiliar to the mind. Its mystery speaks to you, and it says, "Come to me". The sight of this isolated tree sticks in your mind. Its image will flash in your mind, interrupting your thoughts. It will show up in your dreams and waking life. The more you see it the more you desire it, it's peace, it's tranquility.

Blood drops rain and splat onto the sakura, painting the soft, light pink flowers with little dots of bright crimson red. Observe closely and you’ll see the blood seeping through the pedals veins, like watercolor when it touches the canvas.

The flowers on this sakura tree highlight in the gray weather, in the gray world. The contrast is almost disturbing, but that disruption has an important impact on the consciousness. And it’s impact is dependent on your interpretation of the feelings you get from it’s disruption.

Below the Sakura tree, there sits a man slanted on his knees with his arms hanging down by his sides making his hands touch the cool grass. His head is tilted upward with his mouth partially open, and his eyes are lifeless, the only thing that lives in them is a sakura that his eyes reflect from above him. He looks as if he's fixated on the sakura's that live on the branches that extend over him. Panning lower you'll see a katana through his chest that exits through the back, with blood seeping across the blade then dripping off its pointed end. A cool wind blows but his body doesn't shiver. Petals from the Sakura flake off and dance a peaceful dance, full of tranquility.


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Fri Nov 19, 2021 4:56 am
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Thistle wrote a review...



Hello!

I really enjoyed this scene you've painted here. So serene, yet eerie and sad. I love mixing contrasting imagery like this; the softness of the pink sakura blossoms against the harshness of blood and dead or dying man. I would have like just a tiny bit more description of the man, however. Like what he was wearing? Armor would tell the reader that he probably died in battle while normal clothes would suggest maybe he was murdered unfairly. Other than that I do like the mystery surrounding it, I would just like that little bit of a hint as to how he ended up like this. Aside from that I really did enjoy reading this little piece. I loved how much feeling and mood you get across in such a short story.

Keep at it!
-Thistle




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Mon Nov 08, 2021 1:05 am
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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!!

Ooh, this was an interesting piece! I love how short it was; I feel like that really gives the reader a chance to digest everything they read, and it also makes it easier to get a reread in and to pick up new things each time you read. I think this was very unique, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!!

One thing I think you did well was your descriptions and contrast. I really loved the description that started out with the peaceful plains, and then you ended with a dead man. I think that path you take throughout was really nicely set up. The peacefulness combined with the remnants of violence combined with the title makes me think that this could be about the balance between life/death, or that death wears many faces, and can be either peaceful or tumultuous. I think you did a really great job of conveying that contrast throughout though, especially with your last paragraph.

One thing I did wonder about was if maybe this could be expanded. I didn't see much of a plot in here; it was mainly just scene setting. I did enjoy the twist you had though, but it wasn't a very long story. Quality isn't always quantity, and I think you've got a great piece as is, but I am curious if maybe you could elevate that twist even more. I'm left with several questions after reading, and I don't think that much was resolved in this piece. Why is the man dead underneath the sakura tree? How did he get there? What purpose does he have other than providing the contrast with the rest of the story? I feel like if you maybe hinted at some connection between them, the reader could then make that connection themselves and it would give the story a more satisfying feel.

Specifics

It's lonely presence in the silent plains feels eerie to anyone who sees it in the far distance. It's calmness is so unfamiliar to the mind.


Tiny thing here: you've got "it's" which is a contraction of "it" and "is." The possessive form of "it" is actually "its," which you did have later on. It was just these two sentences I noticed it in.

Observe closely and you’ll see the blood seeping through the pedals veins, like watercolor when it touches the canvas.


Another tiny thing: "pedals" should be "petals'," I think. I really enjoy the simile and imagery there, too!!

His head is tilted upward with his mouth partially open, and his eyes are lifeless, the only thing that lives in them is a sakura that his eyes reflect from above him.


You've actually got a comma splice here; the comma in between "lifeless" and "the" should either be a period or semicolon.

Overall: nice work!! I think your descriptions in this were really strong and you did an amazing job with your contrast and scene building. I hope to read more of your work here soon! Until next time!!






Thanks so much for the great review! I was able to learn a lot and I'm glad you enjoyed this piece.



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Sat Nov 06, 2021 4:37 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello! I am here to review!

I'll note things down as I read.

'lonely sakura tree. It's lonely presence' - repetition. Perhaps swap for another word.

'unfamiliar to the mind... sticks in your mind... flash in your mind' - again, repetition.

'blood drops rain' - that sounds odd. Perhaps 'bloody rain drops'?

'like watercolor when it touches the canvas' - I like this description! Very vivid and beautiful.

Okay, the introduction of the man struck me by surprise as up until now, the story seems to be written as if this is a constantly flowing event that whoever walks by this tree will see. And you've already established it's a lone tree. Is the man always there? Is this just one occasion?

Overall, the image of the dead man impaled under the tree (which I am guessing he has committed hara kiri) is beautifully horrific. I love it! But I think the story needs some reworking.

A lot of the descriptions are quite cliche, that's why I pointed out the water colour one. That was the one that struck me as vibrant and new.

Hope this helps!






Thanks so much for the constructive criticism. I got a lot from this review and I'm glad you liked water color description.




"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
— Albus Dumbledore