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16+ Language

Brain Vomit

by CotardDelusionz


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

My heart aches and my brain is mad. I can't take it.

-one one one one one-

I become empty and drag myself around, detached from everything, not understanding why. 

-stupid bitch kill yourself-

Why ? Why ?! Why ??!

-Because you deserve it-

I become mad and my head kills my heart. I feel a dread I can't explain.

-can't explain, stupid, stupid, why, what're you doing stupid-

Confusion kills me. I don't like this barbed wire getting tighter and tighter around my brain.

-do it do it do it do it, it's right, it's correct, rip yourself into pieces, rip your skin off, burn, and decay-

I love to watch myself bleed, there's a satisfaction from punishing what you hate.

-I wanna fucking end it-

The only good thing I'll ever do is this.

I put my hand on the dark cold gun sitting on the table I'm sitting at, almost blended in with the room because of the lack of light. I drag the gun off the table and lift it. It's heavy in my weak arms.

I put it up against the side of my head and direct my finger onto the trigger. The tip of my finger presses against the smooth and curved piece that will end my life.

-End your life, it's right, it's correct, do it do it-

I sit, with my jaw clenched and my eyes watering, trying not to burst into a sobbing cry. I don't want to cry.

-don't you cry you pathetic piece of shit-

I take a deep breath…..

That single breath will save my life

I throw the fucking gun

That single breath makes me burst into tears. I begin to sob and wail from deep within my chest, from my dead heart.

-i can't hear you, i can't hear you, you're crazy-

It hurts so much, I don't want to cry, please no. I yell and curse so hard I feel the skin on my face stretching, hanging on by threads trying not to rip apart. I look up to the dark empty ceiling and scream with a face full of tears and agony, in a broken and rusted voice, "WHY GOD, WHY, MY HEART IS DEAD, I DON'T UNDERSTAND, PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME GO, PLEASE GOD, WHERE ARE YOU, WHY HAVE YOU CURSED ME!"

My own voice scrapes my throat

My crying over powers my voice and I drop onto the floor on my arms and knees with my face facing the hard floor. Tears from my shut eyes fall onto the floor. I'm trying to calm down. All you hear now is my shaky breaths and sniffles.

-one one one one two three three three-

I thought my heart was dead, but I couldn't do it because there are people I love.

I wish I could be forgotten. I wish I never existed. Cause then there would be no one for me to hurt. The heart is cursed with strength to endure all pain and isn't easy to kill, but my feelings will keep building and weighing onto my heart till it finally bursts, if nothing ever changes. The beauty of the tree is tempting me.


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245 Reviews


Points: 187
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Wed Dec 08, 2021 3:52 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello!

This is quite emotional.

'I become empty' - I'm a little confused by the tense choice here. Has something just happened to make the narrator suddenly empty or do they always feel like this? Maybe 'I've become empty' or 'I am empty' would work better? If it's the former, you could expand on what has happened to make them suddenly feel this way.

Considering this is a piece about someone thinking about committing suicide, I think you should refrain from using the word 'kills' when speaking metaphorically, like 'my head kills my heart' as it takes the power from the word and the situation.

'I put my hand on the dark cold gun sitting on the table I'm sitting at,' - maybe mention where exactly the narrator is for the reader to picture it clearly. Also, the place where this is happening would add another layer to the story. Are they at home? In a crappy motel room? Someone else's home?

'All you hear now is my shaky breaths and sniffles.' - the use of 'you' here really throws the reader out of the story. When reading, it just felt very jarring.

I really liked the ending, the description of wanting to end it but knowing you can't.

'The beauty of the tree is tempting me.' - I don't really understand the meaning of this. Am I supposed to?

Hope this helps!






Thank you I love your reviews I'm always able to see how I can make my works better because you can really see the errors I don't even notice, and are not afraid to point them out. I'll be sure to take note of this thanks





Thank you! Some people don't take my constructive criticism well so it's nice to know someone appreciates in and I am helping :)



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Sat Dec 04, 2021 6:14 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a very interesting short piece here. A very powerful message that leaves an imprint on your mind and I think you do an awesome job really bringing it across here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

My heart aches and my brain is mad. I can't take it.

-one one one one one-

I become empty and drag myself around, detached from everything, not understanding why.

-stupid bitch kill yourself-

Why ? Why ?! Why ??!

-Because you deserve it-

I become mad and my head kills my heart. I feel a dread I can't explain.

-can't explain, stupid, stupid, why, what're you doing stupid-

Confusion kills me. I don't like this barbed wire getting tighter and tighter around my brain.


Well, this is off to a very powerful start. It seems like a powerful depiction of someone that has been through some truly terrible things in their life and now they are about to reach a very dangerous tipping point of sorts where they just don't seem to know how to continue with life. A powerful start here that definitely gets your attention as a reader.

I love to watch myself bleed, there's a satisfaction from punishing what you hate.

-I wanna fucking end it-

The only good thing I'll ever do is this.

I put my hand on the dark cold gun sitting on the table I'm sitting at, almost blended in with the room because of the lack of light. I drag the gun off the table and lift it. It's heavy in my weak arms.

I put it up against the side of my head and direct my finger onto the trigger. The tip of my finger presses against the smooth and curved piece that will end my life.

-End your life, it's right, it's correct, do it do it-

I sit, with my jaw clenched and my eyes watering, trying not to burst into a sobbing cry. I don't want to cry.


This raw emotions here is really doing a wonderful job of creating this scene in a horrifying powerful way here. The description of the device this person tries to end their life with is especially powerful there with you using almost all the senses there. This picture is continuing to get even more powerful here.

That single breath will save my life

I throw the fucking gun

That single breath makes me burst into tears. I begin to sob and wail from deep within my chest, from my dead heart.

-i can't hear you, i can't hear you, you're crazy-

It hurts so much, I don't want to cry, please no. I yell and curse so hard I feel the skin on my face stretching, hanging on by threads trying not to rip apart. I look up to the dark empty ceiling and scream with a face full of tears and agony, in a broken and rusted voice, "WHY GOD, WHY, MY HEART IS DEAD, I DON'T UNDERSTAND, PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME GO, PLEASE GOD, WHERE ARE YOU, WHY HAVE YOU CURSED ME!"

My own voice scrapes my throat


Hmm, now that's another powerful moment here. It seems somehow they find the willpower to get rid of the weapon in question there before then crying out trying to get through the horrors that still haunt them. That bit of shouting towards the end there is especially powerful there in conveying this.

My crying over powers my voice and I drop onto the floor on my arms and knees with my face facing the hard floor. Tears from my shut eyes fall onto the floor. I'm trying to calm down. All you hear now is my shaky breaths and sniffles.

-one one one one two three three three-

I thought my heart was dead, but I couldn't do it because there are people I love.

I wish I could be forgotten. I wish I never existed. Cause then there would be no one for me to hurt. The heart is cursed with strength to endure all pain and isn't easy to kill, but my feelings will keep building and weighing onto my heart till it finally bursts, if nothing ever changes. The beauty of the tree is tempting me.


Okayy....well the ending is a lot more mysterious and open ended that I expected it to be. That is quite something there. It certainly leaves you wondering exactly what this might all be about. I think you've managed to create a very interesting situation here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think we've got a powerful piece here. Its certainly one that leaves an impression on the reader and I think you do a great job of here of really bringing things to life with this one. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you. Appreciate as always Harry



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!! :D



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Fri Dec 03, 2021 11:22 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



That was a realistic,sad and emotional poem I read.Life can get hard and you might be tempted to end it,but no matter what,you’ll always have the courage to live,because there is still so much to explore and do in life.You just have to believe and keep pushing on,because there is still more for you in life.Good poem.I hope you have a good day/night.






Thank you for giving me the time and reading my work. Appreciate your input have a good/night as well.




I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken