Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
My heart aches and my brain is mad. I can't take it.
-one one one one one-
I become empty and drag myself around, detached from everything, not understanding why.
-stupid bitch kill yourself-
Why ? Why ?! Why ??!
-Because you deserve it-
I become mad and my head kills my heart. I feel a dread I can't explain.
-can't explain, stupid, stupid, why, what're you doing stupid-
Confusion kills me. I don't like this barbed wire getting tighter and tighter around my brain.
-do it do it do it do it, it's right, it's correct, rip yourself into pieces, rip your skin off, burn, and decay-
I love to watch myself bleed, there's a satisfaction from punishing what you hate.
-I wanna fucking end it-
The only good thing I'll ever do is this.
I put my hand on the dark cold gun sitting on the table I'm sitting at, almost blended in with the room because of the lack of light. I drag the gun off the table and lift it. It's heavy in my weak arms.
I put it up against the side of my head and direct my finger onto the trigger. The tip of my finger presses against the smooth and curved piece that will end my life.
-End your life, it's right, it's correct, do it do it-
I sit, with my jaw clenched and my eyes watering, trying not to burst into a sobbing cry. I don't want to cry.
-don't you cry you pathetic piece of shit-
I take a deep breath…..
That single breath will save my life
I throw the fucking gun
That single breath makes me burst into tears. I begin to sob and wail from deep within my chest, from my dead heart.
-i can't hear you, i can't hear you, you're crazy-
It hurts so much, I don't want to cry, please no. I yell and curse so hard I feel the skin on my face stretching, hanging on by threads trying not to rip apart. I look up to the dark empty ceiling and scream with a face full of tears and agony, in a broken and rusted voice, "WHY GOD, WHY, MY HEART IS DEAD, I DON'T UNDERSTAND, PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME GO, PLEASE GOD, WHERE ARE YOU, WHY HAVE YOU CURSED ME!"
My own voice scrapes my throat
My crying over powers my voice and I drop onto the floor on my arms and knees with my face facing the hard floor. Tears from my shut eyes fall onto the floor. I'm trying to calm down. All you hear now is my shaky breaths and sniffles.
-one one one one two three three three-
I thought my heart was dead, but I couldn't do it because there are people I love.
I wish I could be forgotten. I wish I never existed. Cause then there would be no one for me to hurt. The heart is cursed with strength to endure all pain and isn't easy to kill, but my feelings will keep building and weighing onto my heart till it finally bursts, if nothing ever changes. The beauty of the tree is tempting me.