z

Young Writers Society



Trio - Chapter 2

by ChieTheWriter


“She knows you? How the devil would you two know each other?” Caiden walked beside his friend as they left the meeting. “Is there something I don’t know?”

“There’s a lot you don’t know, Caiden.” Echan grunted.

“Alright, now you’ve just got me worried.” Caiden scratched his head. “Is there something strange going on between you two? She like…uh, your ladyfriend or something?”

“What?! Good grief no. Caiden, where in the name of all sanity do you get these ideas…” Echan brought the palm of his hand to his face and sighed. “It was right before I became a knight. Remember when the queen was still Lady Ambrose?”

“Is this about the time that she disappeared and Drustan’s father had the knights out looking for her?” Caiden nodded. “Wasn’t too long ago.

“Yes, then. And you probably remember how I got caught up in all of it. I stumbled upon the queen and tried to persuade her to come back, but she absolutely refused. I ended up staying with her to protect her, knowing that if I left to get someone she’d actually listen to, she’d be gone. I was technically just a squire then.”

“Yes, you were knighted when you got back. I remember clearly, because I still had a few months to go and was jealous. But that doesn’t explain this Salacia Ulric.” Caiden crossed his arms impatiently.

“Well she was with the queen, guiding her at the time. She didn’t like me and did everything possible to make me uncomfortable, and we never got along. And I don’t trust her.” Echan grumbled, frustrated that again he would have to work alongside Salacia. “She’s a thief too, by profession. Often she travels with the gypsies, she’s one of them from somewhere. She The only reason Drustan doesn’t arrest her is because she helped Lunette and because she’s technically not active in Erland. She keeps in Lord Eoghan’s land and doesn’t bother Drustan.”

“Until now.” Caiden stroked his stubble of a beard again. It was beginning to develop into a habit. “Well, if she can help us find this Radclem, then good! Who cares if she’s a little annoying?”

“Only you would say something like that, Caiden.” Echan growled. “And it’s ‘Radcliffe’.”

Caiden shrugged. “I’m going to bed now. We’ve got a long ride in the morning, and I’ll probably have a headache. You go get some rest and don’t let the differences you have with this Ulric get under your skin. There’s nothing sleep didn’t cure.” With that, Caiden turned and walked away, leaving Echan standing in the hall. Echan sighed and turned to head towards his quarters. Perhaps a good night’s rest would make him feel better, though he doubted it. He didn’t trust Salacia Ulric and he felt he never would.

***

“Morning Echan! How’d you sleep?” Caiden grinned at Echan as he walked into the kitchen. It was before dawn, but the cooks had already been up for an hour preparing the food for the knights who were leaving with Drustan. Caiden was sitting on a chair in the corner with a slice of fresh bread and a tall tumbler of milk. His eyes were a little red, and faint dark circles showed behind them.

“Fine. How’d you sleep?” Echan pulled up a chair and sat down.

“Amazing. Until I woke up. As you can tell, my stomach is a little bothered. I’ll just eat this bread and milk for breakfast, it’ll hold me over till I feel better.”

It was true. Caiden could and would eat anything, unless his stomach was upset. Then he would eat little to nothing for fear of making it worse. It made Echan wonder why he risked a troubled stomach by drinking like he did.

“Especially early in the morning. I don’t know what it is, but eating a large breakfast this early just isn’t good for my indigestion.” Caiden took a long drink of milk, leaving his little fuzzy mustache covered in the liquid. He smiled and wiped his face on his sleeve.

Echan grunted. Leave it to Caiden to start talking about his indigestion at the breakfast table. A servant came over to their table and asked if Caiden wanted anything else, which he -for once- politely refused. In one hand the servant held a platter with a loaf of bread and a couple slices of beef. He set it before Echan, asked if he wanted anything else, then turned and left when Echan replied nay.

Caiden looked at Echan’s food as he ate as if he couldn’t decide whether he was jealous of his friend or not. He was still a little hungry, but his stomach still seemed untrustworthy. He’d just wait till the midday meal. Echan noticed him watching him and stopped eating for a moment.

“Is there something the matter, Caiden?” Echan’s tone betrayed him, the question was rhetorical. Caiden shrugged and turned back to what was left of his milk.

***

“Orrick! Bernon! If you two are done chatting we could get going.” Drustan grinned broadly from where he sat on his tall, chestnut horse. There were three other knights behind him, followed by two large dogs. Echan was talking to one of the stablehands, while Caiden was staring blankly into the distance, distracted.

“Forgive us, Sire! Echan was complaining about something or another- Again!” Caiden swung up onto his horse.

“I wasn’t complaining,” Echan shot back, “I was just explaining to the stableboy that when you saddle a horse, you put the-”

“For goodness’ sake Echan, it’s a horse. It’ll be alright.” Drustan turned his own horse towards the castle’s gates. Echan grunted and mounted his horse without another word. The rest of the knights joined them, bringing the group to twenty, counting Salacia. The party moved off at a brisk trot, the king riding in front alongside Salacia Ulric. Echan intentionally kept as far away from her as possible.

They rode on all that day. The morning proved uneventful, except that one of the knights had a horse throw a shoe. That caused a small delay as they had to stop in the nearest town to find a blacksmith to reset it. It didn’t take long however and the group was soon back on the road.

Much to Echan’s relief, he hadn’t been forced to talk to Salacia at all. He had stayed back talking to the other knights while Salacia rode directly behind the king. She was being watched carefully by the knights, for though many had no reason to distrust her, they had no reason to trust her either.

That evening, the group had reached the wide plane that stretched out for many miles before it reached the foothills that separated Erland from Eoghan’s lands. The plane rose gradually as it ran to the west, eventually reaching the hills and forests of Falamhane. The party of riders stopped by a clump of trees nearly an hour before the sun set. Tasks were assigned. Some took the horses to a nearby stream, while others gathered fuel for the fire. Others began to set up shelters under the trees and string a tether line for the horses. The two dogs went wandering to find rabbits and field mice hidden in the grass.

Echan put himself in charge of the horses and began to instruct the squires on where to place the tethers and the amount of grain for each animal. The few mules of the group needed little food compared to the horses and had to be kept out of the lenient horses’ nosebags.

Besides the mules, the other mounts of the group were all large and powerful horses, save one. That one was a short piebald mare belonging to Salacia Ulric. The horse wasn’t outstandingly becoming, and in fact her look and attitude bordered on repulsive. She was picketed away from the other horses. The shaggy beast may have been short, but she behaved like a demon if any man came near her. Echan had never taken an enormous liking to anything under fifteen hands, so he left the care of the horse to her owner. Also, he wanted nothing to do with Salacia.

By the time night had fallen the knights had gotten a fire started. Drustan was sitting on a rock and watching the fire. A few of the men had found some small game but most of the food was dried and had come in their packs. The dogs sprawled in front of the fire and dozed. Caiden was idly tossing sticks into the fire.

“Caiden, you’d better stop that, you’re throwing sparks everywhere.” Echan came over and sat on the ground beside him.

Caiden looked disappointed. “Yes Ma’am.” He threw the last twig he was holding into the flames then brushed the dirt from his hands. “Why’re you so cranky? Is the lady getting on your nerves?”

Echan snorted. “Not a lady by any means. And no, so far she’s been…tolerable.”

“See, I told you.” With a chuckle, Caiden looked across the campground to see if he could spot the short gypsy. “At least she’s not intolerable.” He took a sip from the water flask beside him.

Echan sighed. “So long as she doesn’t cause any trouble, I’ll get used to her.”

“So long as who doesn’t cause any trouble?” A voice came from behind him.

With a startled jump Echan turned around to see Salacia standing behind them. The dark-haired woman smiled, but he saw her eyes were mirthless. She walked over and sat on a log about a meter away from Echan.

“Evening.” Caiden said politely. Echan glanced at him and their eyes met for a moment. He saw a familiar glint in Caiden’s eye and knew his friend was only being polite to Salacia to irk him.

Salacia didn’t even acknowledge Caiden. Instead, her full attention was on Echan.

“Haven’t had a conversation with you since that escapade almost seven years ago. How’s life been treating you? Still in love with your horse?” Grinning, she reached over to pet one of the dogs laying by the fire. Surprisingly, they let her without hardly batting an eye.

“I’ve been fine.” Echan said bluntly. Caiden rolled his eyes and took another drink of water from the pouch.

Salacia scratched behind the dog’s ears. “By the looks of things Lunette is doing well.” She slyly cast a sideways glance at Drustan as he walked by, oblivious to the conversation. Caiden snorted and began to cough from the water he’d inhaled. Echan’s face remained deadpan.

“The king and queen are happy.” His tone was as impassive as ever.

Caiden recovered from his overreaction. “Ulric, you’d be smart to be respectful of the king and queen. These are some of Drustan’s most trusted knights, and they sometimes take offence at even the smallest slights against him or his queen.

“Caiden, right? Why do you call him by his first name?” She turned her sharp eyes to the knight beside Echan. Caiden blinked.

“Who, Drustan? Well frankly I should technically call him “King”, but it’s become a bit of a habit. See, when we were kids…”

“Then don’t tell me I can’t address a friend by her name because she’s the queen.”

Caiden was a little taken aback and didn’t say anything in reply.

Salacia turned back to Echan. “Are you still afraid of me, or is there another reason why you’re so silent? Not that that’s much of a change, you’ve always been that way.”

“I’m not afraid of you, Salacia Ulric. Not in the slightest. And it would be better for you if you addressed the king and queen as such. In Caiden’s defense, we are knights and we are his friends.” Echan’s tone changed a little. He seemed slightly more irritated. He watched as Salacia sat there for a moment, looking at him.

“Lacia, Echan. We’ve known each other long enough for first names.” Her smile hadn’t faded throughout the entire conversation, but her eyes had gotten colder with Echan’s last reply. “Don’t be so cold.” The light from the fire seemed to shine brighter on the whites of her eyes and her grinning teeth, but left the rest of her dark and fading in and out of the

For a moment they sat there in awkward silence until Caiden rose to his feet. “I think we should all get some rest. Everyone’s probably just cranky after the long ride. It’ll be a couple of days before we reach Falamhane anyhow and possibly more camping if Dr- the king decides to pass the next town and keep riding for a few more hours tomorrow.”

“That’s wonderful, you two go get some rest now. You’re probably both exhausted from protecting the king on this dangerous road.” Salacia smiled as sweetly as ever. Crickets chirped in the grass and the fire crackled peacefully. Echan rose to his feet.

“Yes, we’ve already run into at least one bandit, let’s hope we don’t see any more.” With that he turned and walked towards his tent.

Caiden stood up as well. “Er, night then.” He quickly followed after Echan.

Salacia remained by the fire with the two dogs. “Night then.” Her smile faded and her jaw tightened as she watched the back of Echan’s tunic disappear into the midst of the tents. A quiet growl escaped her, causing one of the dogs to raise his head.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
125 Reviews


Points: 2816
Reviews: 125

Donate
Fri Feb 01, 2019 4:42 am
PickledChrissy wrote a review...



Hello Chie. You have been selected for the dubious honor of receiving the first review I have written in around two years. Congratulations. ;)

First, I'm jumping in on the second chapter, so I'm sure that I am missing some back story. I would like to second ShadowVyer in saying that you should avoid opening the chapter with dialogue. Later in the story when we are better acquainted with your characters and hooked on the story might be permissible, but even then care needs to be taken.

Caiden walked beside his friend as they left the meeting. “Is there something I don’t know?”


I assume that during the dialogue that follows they are still walking. In the accompanying description, it almost seems like they are standing still. We only see what you tell us to see. Every now and then, remind us that they are still moving. Where are they? What do they see around them?

The rest of the knights joined them, bringing the group to twenty, counting Salacia. The party moved off at a brisk trot, the king riding in front alongside Salacia Ulric. Echan intentionally kept as far away from her as possible.


Here, I think, would be a good chance to throw in a little description of Salacia. Also, what is the weather like? If it is dry, the horses will be throwing up dust, and etc.

I'm going to skip all the little nitpicks; I think you can pick most of them out yourself. They are pretty small, but obvious enough to make it simple. There aren't very many of them. Pull out the red pen and have fun! ;)

I think the description is mainly where you are weak. There is a picture in my head of Caiden and Echan, but it is strangely without color. They don't have an age in my head, and I can't see what they are wearing. The same goes for their surroundings. I can sort of see it, but it is gray and without firm definition.

The relationship between Salacia and Echan is really intriguing. :D She reads as almost flirtatious, but also attempting to get his skin for the fun of it. There is a gap between them, and she seems to want to bridge it, but we are left in the dark as her intentions.

I'm waiting impatiently for more!

~Chrissy




User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Sat Jan 12, 2019 4:50 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey ChieRynn,

I see this has been kicking around in the Green Room for a bit, so I'm here to contribute the first review towards rescuing it! My style tends to be making comments as I read about anything that stands out to me and then giving a general summary of my thoughts at the end. Let's get started...

“She knows you? How the devil would you two know each other?” Caiden walked beside his friend as they left the meeting. “Is there something I don’t know?”


So, generally I recommend against opening a chapter with dialogue. As you probably know, your opening paragraphs are some of the most important lines of the story, because it's what gets your reader sucked into the plot and wanting to read on -- and it's hard to do that with dialogue.

In this specific case I think you did well -- this is interesting enough dialogue that you can get away with it, but you might want to keep that in mind for future chapters.

Also, this entire conversation until you get to the first page break is good -- it conveys necessary information. But you want to be careful about having long chunks of dialogue like that. You need to make sure you're also interspersing emotions and descriptions of the surroundings or becomes a bit dry to read.

“Orrick! Bernon! If you two are done chatting we could get going.” Drustan grinned broadly from where he sat on his tall, chestnut horse. There were three other knights behind him, followed by two large dogs. Echan was talking to one of the stablehands, while Caiden was staring blankly into the distance, distracted.


Unless you already established in chapter one what their last names are and set up the expectations that we will see people calling them these names, then you might want to edit this. I thought Orrick and Bernon were new characters being introduced -- and now, even though I understand it's last names, I still don't know which goes to which character.

~ ~ ~

Okay! So, overall, this was a good chapter!

One thing I noticed was the name Echan -- I like it... buuut, my mind pronounces it "eech-an" and then it gets mangled into Itchin' in my brain and I know that's probably just me being dumb but I thought I'd mention it.

The exchange after the second chapter break didn't make a ton of sense to me -- but I'm not sure if that's just because it I didn't read the first chapter of this or if it legitimately doesn't make sense, you know? I mean it wasn't overly confusing -- but I was having a bit of trouble trying to understand exactly where there was so very much tension between Salacia and the knights what the source of that was and what they were talking about with first names and whatnot, so maybe take another look at that and be sure it'd clear to readers who have also read chapter one?

I think that's all I've got, though! I enjoyed reading this!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




User avatar
109 Reviews


Points: 1940
Reviews: 109

Donate
Mon Dec 31, 2018 12:00 am
Gnomish says...



I didn't see anything that I can critic. Great job!




Random avatar

Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Fri Dec 14, 2018 4:14 pm
View Likes
Thefemalearrow says...



I love it! I love the details. I saw no grammar problems. Kept writing!





i love me some swole chickens
— yosh