.

Hi Chie! I'm just going to rescue your work from the Green Room on Review Day, so here goes!

The first scene, the one about the Mandorian governor and bounty hunter, was quite interesting! So this hunter is going to go search for some guy I don't know about, and I'm quite excited to know about it. The only complaint I have about this is that I see a little "As you know, Bob" dialogue. This is a way to include backstory into dialogue. If you can put, "As you know" in the beginning of the character's words and has a little exposition in it, yup, that's probably "As you know, Bob" dialogue. I didn't see to much but I just wanted to point it out:

Mandalorian bounty hunters are some of the best.

“Yes, Governor Saxon. I may be getting paid for this, but I will get personal satisfaction out of this hunt.”

“It’s quiet. Chie’s probably still in bed unless the droid got her up. Unless it’s one of her early bird days where she gets up at 05:00 and talks to herself in the cockpit. Just like a Jedi.”

“But you’re needed out there…” Chie tried to find a legitimate reason to send him off.

Hey here for a brief review. I'll start off with just a few things I have noticed.

'The Mandalorian governor held his helmet on his hip as he spoke to the green-armored bounty hunter, also a Mandalorian.'

As a suggestion, I thought switching around the words may sound better. Like this: The Mandalorian governor held his helmet on his hip as he spoke to the fellow Mandalorian, a bounty hunter clad in green armor. Honestly though its fine either way and it doesn't really matter as the first one is perfectly fine by itself.

'“I’m serious Fett, don’t kill him. If he dies by anything other than this;” Saxon activated a blade gauntlet and ejected an eighteen inch vibroblade from his forearm sheath. “You’re going to be called to account.”'

I tried to figure out why there was a semicolon in the dialogue. Perhaps it was a mistake. Here's the proper way to do this if you're interested: "I'm serious Fett, don't kill him. If he dies by anything other than this," Saxon activated a blade gauntlet and ejected an eighteen itch vibroblade from his forearm sheath, "you are going to be called to account."

There was a shrill EEEEKKK as a little creature dashed into the small chamber. It leapt upon the bed and proceeded to scream until it was silenced by a rough slam in the face with a pillow. The creature hit the floor and shut up, looking rather confused as to what was happening.

This reminds me of a movie starting scene or something like that. I'm not sure why it reminded me of this. Perhaps it is because you built focus off of something simple and stupid and then transferred that attention to the character.

He may have been hot last night but now that he was out from under the covers the coldness of space was getting to him. Despite the heating system.

The second sentence in here is just hanging off the end and is left alone despite having the same main idea of the previous sentence. I'd suggest you put these two sentences together somehow, by a comma or a semicolon.

After Kavis got out of the shower, the ship had begun to sound busy.

You did talk about how the ship had begun to sound busy, but I think you should go more in depth with this. Talk about the ship began to fill with the voices of (x) or excited voices. Something of that sort. However this is only a suggestion.

“It’s turned into a regular zoo.” Kavis grunted.
*its, not it's.


I didn't want to critique your entire work so I'll just leave it at here. I like the theme you've got here and it reminds me of a movie.

Hey there ChieRynn,

Here to serve you a well-done (hopefully) critique sandwich, with some nerdiness on the side! The wait time should be approximately 2000 characters. Hopefully you chew this up and sleep on it without pain Too many similes here, so let's get started:

I especially liked the character development here and the setup of the plot. Especially with the characters, there is complete certainty about what they are trying to do and what their goals in life are. That leads to an interesting plot where there is a clash of several different views with several different goals, and so far this sets up a nice show-down. As far as grammar, it seemed to be flawless or nearly flawless in this story, which was good. Although grammar is a small detail, it can really be a turnoff to see that the writer didn't care enough to edit his/her work and fix those little nitty-bitty details. So kudos to you for that. Now for some improvements:

Firstly, I would have liked to see a little bit more of the conversation between Fett and Saxon, or at least something more happening from that perspective. So far we know that Saxon has ordered Fett to bring back someone alive. Fett has promised to do it, but we don't see much more of that. Although it is a good idea not to reveal too much about that chase, I think it would be beneficial to explain in a bit more detail, maybe a little bit of backstory or a description of Fett's space shuttle as he takes off? Something small like that could build up a bit more suspense before the perspective switch.

Secondly, I would like to see a bit more description overall. Although it is better to show rather than tell, some descriptions of possibly the morning, the characters, one of their ships, the planet wouldn't hurt as long as you made sure to do plenty of showing.

Thirdly, I don't think all of the sections where you had bleeped-out cussing was necessary. The reader would understand that they're rogues with just a few muttered curses here and there, but when about half of their language isn't mentioned because of it's vulgarity, that can be a sign of the writer's laziness in not recording the proper dialogue. As a general rule of thumb, it is advisable for writers to stay away from jargon and cuss words for that very reason.

That's all I have for you today. Hopefully my reviews were helpful! As my little tl;dr, my main points were to lengthen the section from Boba(?) Fett's perspective, add in a few passages of eloquent description, and cut out some of the cussing sections. Keep writing, and good job!

Best wishes,
MJ