Young Writers Society

[quote=PrincessInk]I don't see how much Chie *loves* her Master. Perhaps Chie could, in her thoughts, revisit memories with her Master. I don't know if flashbacks are a great thing and my advice could fly a mile away from the bull's eye.[/quote]

Okay, I'm going to echo this and follow it up with a bit of my own thoughts. I must assume your intended category in SUYS month - for this story, anyway - it's the "make us cry like little babies with a tragic scene" category. But I think you've got some work to do before you get there. Currently, this mostly feels like Chie is acting super melodramatic (even considering the situation) with all the yelling and growling and "I hate this" and "I hate that," but I think the real reason is that you focus entirely on how Chie feels right now rather than what Chie actually lost.

Of course, I think the thing that's really supposed to be tragic about this is the fact that Chie might turn to the Dark Side because of this loss, when really that's the last thing her Master would've wanted. But right now I'm not feeling too much about that, either. It seems ironic in a sort of horrible way, but it doesn't really make me sad.

One thing is the same thing we already mentioned, about not seeing any of Chie's memories of her Master, why she really cared for him, what lessons he particularly imparted to her. So that would help. But also I think it's because she says right in the story "I don't care." She doesn't seem scared of turning to the Dark Side because of this, she doesn't bother showing any resistance to the idea, she's not disturbed by her own thoughts. There's no internal conflict between Chie-the-Jedi-who-must-control-her-emotions-at-all-costs and Chie-the-person-who-is-angry-and-sad-because-her-Master-is-dead. Let us see that conflict! Let us see Chie getting scared of herself and her thoughts because There Lies the Path to the Dark Side, but also let us see her forgetting her fear and losing herself, even for a moment, in thoughts of revenge.

Plus, maybe we should see some plan, no matter how basic and in her head, of revenge. Right now it doesn't actually feel like much of a threat. Yes, yes, she wants revenge, but she's stuck on a ship with a bunch of people who aren't going to let her get it. So it doesn't feel like there's really any danger of her seeking and getting her revenge and going Dark Side, if you see what I mean.

Finally, this.

I can feel my face grow hot with rage. I have my saber in my hand now and my hand is trembling. My thumb is fingering the activation button. I activate the blade and the blue beam of energy shoots from the metal cylinder and glows. My hand is still shaking with rage as I stand up and slice the saber through the air, hitting the opposite wall.

You use a lot of "to be" here. Sometimes it makes more sense to use it, like here

I have my saber in my hand now and my hand is trembling.

but you use it much more frequently than you need to, so it distances the readers from Chie's experience. Rather than these

I can feel my face grow hot with rage.

My thumb is fingering the activation button.

My hand is still shaking with rage as I stand up

cut out "is" and change to this

My face feels hot with rage.

My thumb fingers the activation button.

My hands shake with rage as I stand up

That way everything that's happening is more immediate and closer. Readers can get more involved with the character this way, even though it's such a small thing.

Hello Chie. I'm here to drop a critique on your story.

The first thing I noticed is the references to Star Wars here (perhaps I am not the best person to say this because the only thing I know about it is Jedi, the Dark Side, etc.). Would it be classified as fanfiction? Well, anyway, just moving on.

One thing I want to praise you for is that you did a pretty nice job in showing Chie's emotions. The only little bits that I had an issue in is here:

I yell at him about how horrible he’s being and struggle against his grip.

A bit telly. Why not something along the lines of (this isn't so good)

"Just go! I hate you! Stop mocking me and go--go away!" I flail in his arms and struggle to shove him away

And here too,

I start crying, not just because I’m mad but because I’m heartbroken.

The "heartbroken" is a bit telly and bland.

The other note I have here is:I honestly don't know the Master at all; so taking the grief to a deeper level, to me, isn't easy. I don't see how much Chie *loves* her Master. Perhaps Chie could, in her thoughts, revisit memories with her Master. I don't know if flashbacks are a great thing and my advice could fly a mile away from the bull's eye.

I also wished Kavis would come out in the end. Is there any, at least, a little hint of him in the end? This is just my opinion though. I feel as if Kavis is a major character in this short and I would have loved to see how he ties to Chie's decision.

I think that's all I've got to say! Feel free to message me if you want to talk about this, and I hope my review helped.