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(old) Atana: Chapter 6

by Charm


Her bedroom was dark with the shutters closed and all the lights off. The ship went to sleep a few hours ago, but Novah couldn’t seem to fall asleep herself. Instead she watched the darkness as if expecting to see something.

In her mind Novah pictured Atana-503. She was walking mindlessly through the corridors, her hand running along the wall. The room was chaotic. Hundreds of people running, children in arms crying, alarms going off. It didn’t make sense.

Novah groaned and rubbed her eyes before angrily jumping out her bed. She opened the door by bravely asking Atana to with the keyboard on her bedside table. And when the door released, she strutted out with her arms crossed.

She didn’t know where she was going but anywhere seemed better than that empty dark room. So she walked and walked until she found herself mindlessly walking to the hospital ward.

She didn’t know why but it somehow felt right. As she slowly approached the door and looked in, at the people asleep in cots, the curtains blowing with the air conditioning, she watch where Calix laid.

Quietly she walked toward him and hesitated before sitting in the chair Seiko was sitting just a few hours before. There was a window on the wall near his bed, the stars and planets shone and sparkled, if she wasn’t so empty perhaps she would have felt something. But instead Novah watched the light shine onto Calix his resting face.

When suddenly he took a deep breath in and opened his eyes. Novah gasped a little and her heart started to panic. She wondered why she was there. Calix leaned up and rubbed his face.

“What are you doing here?” He asked kindly.

Novah’s eyes sparkled with fear but she answered strongly, “I couldn’t sleep.”

Calix nodded and looked out the window with Novah. She could feel him staring at her. Her heart beat like a prisoner banging against prison bars and she could feel herself shaking even if it barely showed. In her mind she started to wonder, why was he so kind? How much pain did he have to suffer to get that mechanical eye?

“How--How--What happened to you?” She asked looking at him, trying to study his face for some sort of emotion lingering beneath.

Calix looked away and back at the window and cleared his throat, “Um...raiders. My parents were tradesmen and raiders attacked us. Shot my mom in the gut and choked my dad. I tried to stop them and they blew my head. Banged my head in pretty bad,” he chuckled to himself, “I’m not sure how I survived but Atana-32 was near, they arrested the raiders, the ones they could get, and brought me to the ward. The doctors used the Atana system to reshape the left side of my head and regrow things like hair. Technology it’s--it’s incredible. Now the only thing you can see that is mechanical is my eye.”

“I’m so sorry,” Novah replied, her eyes glassy. How did people make a fuss of her when Calix had been through so much more and how he remain so joyful. Novah’s heart sang with pity and compassion, but she swallowed her urges down and remained in her place.

“I’m sorry about what happened to you, too,” He asked with a soft voice, “It must be hard with all the Atana systems everywhere. I don’t blame you if you don’t trust them anymore. God, I’m surprised you trust me,” He laughed and pointed to his left eye.

Novah smiled sadly and looked out the window, “I don’t trust anyone.”


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 5:06 pm
Jaybird wrote a review...



Hi, marmalade! Mage here to do my long overdue, promised review! Like I said last chapter, I'm sorry for taking so long to write the review for this chapter. Hopefully the actual review makes up for it. ^_^ So let's get to it, shall we?

This chapter wasn't as engaging as the last chapter, but I still really enjoyed it! I was happy that I found out how Calix gained the Atana eye, and I'm really interested in seeing how that ties in with the rest of the story! Just remember what I said last chapter and the majority of your mistakes are covered! ^_^

Now onto the specifics!

Instead she watched the darkness as if expecting to see something.


There should be a comma after "instead".

In her mind Novah pictured Atana-503. She was walking mindlessly through the corridors, her hand running along the wall. The room was chaotic. Hundreds of people running, children in arms crying, alarms going off. It didn’t make sense.


There should be a comma after "mind".

It seems like she's starting to remember what happened. Hopefully we'll find out what happens soon, but something tells me we won't know the entire story until the climax!

As she slowly approached the door and looked in, at the people asleep in cots, the curtains blowing with the air conditioning, she watch where Calix laid.


This sentence is worded oddly. I would suggest changing it to something like, "As she slowly approached the door and looked in, she saw people asleep in cots and the air conditioning blowing the curtains; her gaze shifted to where Calix laid."

“What are you doing here?” He asked kindly.


The "H" in "He" should be lowercased.

“How--How--What happened to you?” She asked looking at him, trying to study his face for some sort of emotion lingering beneath.


The "S" in "She" should be lowercased, and the dialogue tag is worded weirdly. I would suggest changing it to something along the lines of "...she asked as she looked at him, trying to study his face for some sort of emotion lingering beneath."

“Um...raiders. My parents were tradesmen and raiders attacked us. Shot my mom in the gut and choked my dad. I tried to stop them and they blew my head. Banged my head in pretty bad,” he chuckled to himself,


There should be a period after "bad", and the "h" in he should be capitalized. Also, because it's a statement that doesn't directly relate to speech, there should be a period after "himself".

I love the addition of raiders! It makes sense that there would be some in a sci-fi world, so they were a great thing to include!

How did people make a fuss of her when Calix had been through so much more and how he remain so joyful.


There should be a question mark after "joyful".

Novah’s heart sang with pity and compassion, but she swallowed her urges down and remained in her place.


I really love this line! <3 The word choice - using "sang" as the verb for her heart - was wonderful and unique, and it just reads really nicely. ^_^

“I’m sorry about what happened to you, too,” He asked with a soft voice, “It must be hard with all the Atana systems everywhere. I don’t blame you if you don’t trust them anymore. God, I’m surprised you trust me,” He laughed and pointed to his left eye.


There should be a period after "too" and one after "voice", and the "H" of "He" should be lowercase. Also, he's not really asking her anything, so "asked" isn't the right verb choice.

Novah smiled sadly and looked out the window, “I don’t trust anyone.”


There should be a period after "window".

I'm sorry if my review seemed harsh. That wasn't my intention whatsoever; I had fun reading this! If you have any questions about what I said, please ask and I'll clear things up! Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! ^_^




Charm says...


Thanks for the review but you do you think next time you could go more into detail about the plot and how you are feeling about it (like how do you like the characters)? Because I can always get an editor or edit myself, but I can't really critique or notice my own mistakes in the plot and characters.



Jaybird says...


You're welcome, and I will! ^_^



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Mon Nov 21, 2016 9:07 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Marmalade! Casanova here to do another review! WOO! I made it! Last chapter and I AM LOVING THIS!
Okay, first off. Novah. I think you actually gave more about her, and really put her out there this chapter. It's really a step up from chapter five, and I completely enjoyed that. So thank you!
The plot seems to be unfolding more, which I really like as well. Here's one thing I didn't like- the ending. It's not really suspenseful or anything, and I believe you could have continued the chapter and made it so, or cut off the chapter before reaching that point. But that's my preference, and you are the author. Anyway, to the next thing, eh?

“What are you doing here?” He asked kindly.

Novah’s eyes sparkled with fear but she answered strongly, “I couldn’t sleep.”


BETTER. The last chapters barely had any diversity to the phrasings of how you responded, but you really pick it up here. I really enjoyed the change, so thank you for that.
Also, You only make one mistake when it comes to dialogue- your paragraph splicing. Here, let me show you how to correct it once more. After that, I'll be done saying anything about it-

Calix looked away and back at the window and cleared his throat, “Um...raiders. My parents were tradesmen and raiders attacked us. Shot my mom in the gut and choked my dad. I tried to stop them and they blew my head. Banged my head in pretty bad,” he chuckled to himself, “I’m not sure how I survived but Atana-32 was near, they arrested the raiders, the ones they could get, and brought me to the ward. The doctors used the Atana system to reshape the left side of my head and regrow things like hair. Technology it’s--it’s incredible. Now the only thing you can see that is mechanical is my eye.”


Break for the dialogue and different ideas. An example would be this-

"Calix looked away and back at the window and cleared his throat.
“Um...raiders. My parents were tradesmen and raiders attacked us. Shot my mom in the gut and choked my dad. I tried to stop them and they blew my head. Banged my head in pretty bad,” he chuckled to himself.
“I’m not sure how I survived but Atana-32 was near, they arrested the raiders, the ones they could get, and brought me to the ward. The doctors used the Atana system to reshape the left side of my head and regrow things like hair. Technology it’s--it’s incredible. Now the only thing you can see that is mechanical is my eye.”"

I mean, you could leave it as is and you would totes be fine. This is preference, but your way is correct in this one since it is a dialogue paragraph, so props for that.

Anyway, I don't have much to critique here, so props!

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




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Sun Nov 20, 2016 7:45 pm
Sillia wrote a review...



Sillia here!

I'm here for another review :) Sorry for reviewing six chapters in but I thought you'd appreciate a speedy review lol. Anyway onward! Aside from the typical grammer picky stuff i really liked this piece and will probably go back to read more :)

I like the name Calix XD

The room was chaotic. Hundreds of people running, children in arms crying, alarms going off.


So for this part the sentence is kinda choppy. I like it but maybe to make it flow a tiny bit better add a semicolon where the period is supposed to be :P

Novah groaned and rubbed her eyes before angrily jumping out her bed.


The flow of this is a little weird too.

the curtains blowing with the air conditioning, she watch where Calix laid.


"She watch where Calix laid" i'm assuming this was just a typo or something? The grammar is off :P

Calix his resting face.

When suddenly he took a deep breath in and opened his eyes. Novah gasped a little and her heart started to panic. She wondered why she was there. Calix leaned up and rubbed his face.


So you used face kinda a lot this short amount of sentencing span. I really like the story flow. Granted I don't really know what's going on so you may be able to disregard some things but....I think if you have some more detailing scenes it may help the reader connect more.

“I’m so sorry,” Novah replied, her eyes glassy.


Like this; I really liked the detail in this and if there were more sentences like this I would be able to connect way more to it. And I love the description of the raiders. The other thing; I would like a little more information on the eye. what does it look like? Again maybe you described it in another chapter. I like the way it ended. If i can add one more suggestion though what if you add detail to when she was looking into the window? it would add to the dramatic appeal.

Otherwise I believe that this is very well written and it has a lot of potential :) the story is intriguing and I love the character names they are very interesting lol. Anyway let me know when you post more :)

Keep writing!

Sillia





Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus