Hi, marmalade! Mage here to do my long overdue, promised review! Like I said last chapter, I'm sorry for taking so long to write the review for this chapter. Hopefully the actual review makes up for it. ^_^ So let's get to it, shall we?
This chapter wasn't as engaging as the last chapter, but I still really enjoyed it! I was happy that I found out how Calix gained the Atana eye, and I'm really interested in seeing how that ties in with the rest of the story! Just remember what I said last chapter and the majority of your mistakes are covered! ^_^
Now onto the specifics!
Instead she watched the darkness as if expecting to see something.
There should be a comma after "instead".
In her mind Novah pictured Atana-503. She was walking mindlessly through the corridors, her hand running along the wall. The room was chaotic. Hundreds of people running, children in arms crying, alarms going off. It didn’t make sense.
There should be a comma after "mind".
It seems like she's starting to remember what happened. Hopefully we'll find out what happens soon, but something tells me we won't know the entire story until the climax!
As she slowly approached the door and looked in, at the people asleep in cots, the curtains blowing with the air conditioning, she watch where Calix laid.
This sentence is worded oddly. I would suggest changing it to something like, "As she slowly approached the door and looked in, she saw people asleep in cots and the air conditioning blowing the curtains; her gaze shifted to where Calix laid."
“What are you doing here?” He asked kindly.
The "H" in "He" should be lowercased.
“How--How--What happened to you?” She asked looking at him, trying to study his face for some sort of emotion lingering beneath.
The "S" in "She" should be lowercased, and the dialogue tag is worded weirdly. I would suggest changing it to something along the lines of "...she asked as she looked at him, trying to study his face for some sort of emotion lingering beneath."
“Um...raiders. My parents were tradesmen and raiders attacked us. Shot my mom in the gut and choked my dad. I tried to stop them and they blew my head. Banged my head in pretty bad,” he chuckled to himself,
There should be a period after "bad", and the "h" in he should be capitalized. Also, because it's a statement that doesn't directly relate to speech, there should be a period after "himself".
I love the addition of raiders! It makes sense that there would be some in a sci-fi world, so they were a great thing to include!
How did people make a fuss of her when Calix had been through so much more and how he remain so joyful.
There should be a question mark after "joyful".
Novah’s heart sang with pity and compassion, but she swallowed her urges down and remained in her place.
I really love this line! <3 The word choice - using "sang" as the verb for her heart - was wonderful and unique, and it just reads really nicely. ^_^
“I’m sorry about what happened to you, too,” He asked with a soft voice, “It must be hard with all the Atana systems everywhere. I don’t blame you if you don’t trust them anymore. God, I’m surprised you trust me,” He laughed and pointed to his left eye.
There should be a period after "too" and one after "voice", and the "H" of "He" should be lowercase. Also, he's not really asking her anything, so "asked" isn't the right verb choice.
Novah smiled sadly and looked out the window, “I don’t trust anyone.”
There should be a period after "window".
I'm sorry if my review seemed harsh. That wasn't my intention whatsoever; I had fun reading this! If you have any questions about what I said, please ask and I'll clear things up! Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! ^_^
Sorry for reviewing six chapters in but I thought you'd appreciate a speedy review lol. Anyway onward! Aside from the typical grammer picky stuff i really liked this piece and will probably go back to read more 
Points: 4405
Reviews: 546
Donate