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(old) Atana: Chapter 3

by Charm


Novah let the soldiers walk her through the new spaceship. She felt detached and in a daze but still, she noticed her surroundings. People in white lab coats walked past and turned their head when they saw Novah, looking at her curiously. Every room was bright and white, everything was white.

Some of the people who gawked at her, whispered in each other’s ears things like, “Is that a survivor of Atana-503?” “I wonder what it was like…” “Atana-503!”

Atana-503… People were talking about it like it was a touchy subject.

They passed through white corridors and white rooms (some of them had different colors instead of just white everything), until some of the soldiers broke away and it was only the kind-faced soldier and another one whose helmet was still on guiding Novah.

They came upon a door and the soldier with the helmet typed a code and the door opened with the sound of air being released. Inside was an office with a woman in a grey dress, looking out the window. The plastic of the window was also a screen covered in pictures and text. The woman slid her hands across deleting certain pictures from the plastic screen. When he heard the door open she turned around curiously.

She had ashy brown hair that was cut in a pixie cut and sharp features. The dress she wore was simplistic and professional. The woman carried herself with a certain confidence and importance.

The striking woman eyed Novah curiously and spoke, “Kado, you’re back soon and a survivor? Please come closer. There are some things we need to ask you.” Novah approached the glass desk shyly. The woman gestured to a white cushioned chair, Novah sat. “My name is Nadine and I’m here to help. Please, tell me everything you know.”

Novah licked her lips and began, “My name is Novah,” she started and both Nadine and Kado listened intently. “I’m from planet Exdein-57. Me and my aunt Clea went on Atana-503 for vacation. It was your average cruise experience. Um...I woke up in room E with a horrible headache. Nothing seemed out of place. I got up and once I started moving my headache seemed to disappear. I logged into Atana, just the usual things. I was confused to why I woke up on the floor of the living room. I didn’t see sign of any other people. I went into other rooms and there came a door that Atana wouldn’t open, so I override her with the emergency book. When the door opened...I was shocked initially. It looked like a mess and I didn’t know what happened. I was scared...I remember in perfect detail what it looked like. There was an Atana screen that was broken. It looked like someone punched it or something. The strangest and the scariest thing is when I asked Atana-503 what happened…” Novah’s mind drifted off, remembering the terrifying experience.

“What happened with Atana-503?” Nadine asked, almost demanding. Her features were intensive but when she saw the frightened look on Novah’s face, she softened her face slightly and spoke, “Please, we need to know so that we can do something about what happened to your Aunt.”

“So she’s gone?” Novah spoke with a shaking voice. Her eyes started to sting.

Kado looked at her sympathetically and spoke, “We searched the ship and we could find anything. Not even bodies. There were beds left unmade and clothes in drawers. There were diaries and we know who was on the ship. We just have no idea where they are.”

“Well...what happened to them? They can’t have just disappeared!” Novah’s voice rose. She felt like it was incredibly unfair.

“That’s what we were hoping you could tell us.” Nadine sighed.

“So that’s it? She’s gone? All those people are gone?”

“It’s all we can do for now. All we ask of you—all we need of you—is to not cause a panic. You’re not the only minor we have on board that had gone through a tragedy of some kind. We’ll try to get you back to your guardians as soon as possible but Exdein is far away.” Novah nodded and looked at her hands. There was nothing she could do. At least not at that moment.

“Kado,” Nadine spoke, looking over Novah’s shoulder, “Can you get Novah into some clean clothes and show her a room.”

Kado slightly nodded and guided Novah out of the room. They walked in bitter silence.

***

After walking through the spaceship silently, finally, Kado stopped in front of an Atana and opened a door. He then beckoned Novah to follow him.

“These are the chambers,” He spoke, looking up and Novah looked up with him.

There were floors and floors of rooms, reaching towards the top of the ship. There were four elevators even distributed around the room. People dashed past, some laughing and talking, they were just simple people. The spaceship was like a mini city.

“Come on,” Kado ushered smiling at the amazed look on Novah’s face.

Novah broke out of her daze and follow hurriedly. Together they went into an elevator with a couple other people. The elevator was made of glass and didn’t feel like it was moving, more like floating. Novah looked out the glass and watched the floor go further and further away. Until, the elevator stopped and Kado started leading the way again.

The hallways weren’t as bright as the corridor, adding a bit more of a cozy feel. The floor was the same white plaster throughout the ship.

Finally, Kado stopped before a door. The door was black and when Kado touched it, it turned into a screen. Kind of like the plastic screen Nadine was using, except this one, looked a bit more simplistic.

In big letters was the door’s number, J177. Above the door’s number in smaller text was the date, 10/2/4001. Then large letters appeared and the starting up sound, Atana-32.

“Please log in.”

Kado gestured to the login, “Go ahead.” Novah hesitated. “Don’t worry. There haven’t been and reports about suspicious activity. I know it’s hard but you can’t live nowadays without Atana. The world—the world would go into chaos. That’s why we are trying to find out what went wrong with Atana-503.”

Novah nodded and anxiously approached the screen. She typed in her code and password, and then stepped back.

“Welcome, Novah to room J177.” The door opened into a dark room.

Novah walked in and Kado followed behind her. He pushed a button on the wall that opened the big window brightening the room. Novah looked at the view curiously. There was a small—well small for a planet—planet right outside her window.

“What planet is that?” Novah asked, observing the beautiful scene.

“Roanoke, you should have learned that in school.” Kado teased slightly.

“I don’t like geography.” Novah wiggled her nose in humorous disgust.

Slowly, she pulled herself away from the window and looked around the room. It was nice and actually not so white as the rest of the ship. The room was mostly gray and blue. The walls were made of a nice grey fabric material. The best frame was white, but the sheet was a nice dark blue. There were white cupboards and drawers in the wall and next to those was a door leading off into a bathroom. The bathroom was entirely white.

As Novah walked into the bathroom her slippers pattered against the white tiles. She looked at herself in the mirror—a tall, slender built teenager with straight white hair and grey eyes—she thought about everything that has happened. She zoned out for a bit until Kado’s face appeared in the looking glass—a strong man with a scruffy face, blond hair, and blue eyes. Novah turned around and looked at him curiously.

He spoke, “So can I leave you here? There are clothes in the closet, you can clean up. Maybe after that take a look around ship.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Kado nodded and walked out the room, leaving Novah alone in her new bedroom. Suddenly she sighed and started moving, breaking out of her daze. She took Kado’s advice and had a shower. It felt so good to wash off all the stress and trauma.

After her shower, Novah grabbed a soft microfiber towel and scurried over to the closet. She opened the drawers and snorted at what she saw. Every single article of clothing was the same shade of gray cotton fabric.

She didn’t really have much room to complain about clothing, though, especially after everything that’s happened. So, Novah slipped on a grey pair of tights and a loose grey dress on top. She put on a new pair of slippers and through her old dirty ones away with her old clothes.

Novah spent half an hour opening drawers and looking around her new bedroom. But when she finally felt like there wasn’t anything else to do, she turned on her heel and walked out the door.

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Mon Nov 21, 2016 8:30 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Marmalade! Casanova here for another review! Also, I have to point out my nickname is,"Nova," so the characters name hit me like a ton of brocks. Rellaaateable. Anyway, to the review!

The first thing I noticed were these lines-

Some of the people who gawked at her, whispered in each other’s ears things like, “Is that a survivor of Atana-503?” “I wonder what it was like…” “Atana-503!”


I know this is whispering, but you break a paragraph for dialogue. And you don't put two things of dialogue side by said without specifying the difference in people talking. Break it. Something like this would be bettter-

"Some of the people who gawked at her, whispered in each other’s ears things like-
“Is that a survivor of Atana-503?”
“I wonder what it was like…”
“Atana-503!”"

That's what I suggest doing, anyway. Anyway, on to the next point.

The best frame was white, but the sheet was a nice dark blue.

What do you mean by,"best frame?" When I read this I figured you meant bed frame, but I envisioned someone going through a house and seeing which part of the frame was better. Like, whether the frame for the bathroom was as supported as the frame to the bedroom. Or if the frames had any cracks or anything like that in it. I suppose you meant bed frame, but this was something that actually interested me and now I gotta go watch home repair shows. Thanks.

I would like to mention about the switching up of how you say something. Don't make the dialogue most of the story, mind you, but switch it up. More than,"he spoke." More than,"she asked." More than,"he said." Let the characters emotions come through in actions, and in thoughts, and play around with it a bit. I bet you'll like the results.

Anyway, I think I'm done with this one. Nothing more to say, I'll head on to the next chapter. I hope this helped, at least a bit.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.




Charm says...


The dialogue and paragraph structure is grammatically correct. Anyway, thank you for your review.



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Wed Oct 19, 2016 1:02 am
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi marmalade! Mage here for the overdue review! ^_^ So let's get to it, shall we?

Overall, your main problems were things I already talked about in my last two reviews. When rewriting this chapter, just keep those in mind! ^_^ My suggestion for this chapter is to add some more variety to dialogue tags. I noticed that you mainly use "spoke" as the dialogue tag when your characters are speaking. Changing it up would make your writing even more interesting, but you definitely don't need to follow through with that suggestion. J.K. Rowling, for example, uses the word "said" as her main dialogue tag in the Harry Potter series.

Now onto the specifics!

She felt detached and in a daze but still, she noticed her surroundings.


There should be a comma before "still", or you could change it to, "...but she still noticed her surroundings."

They came upon a door and the soldier with the helmet typed a code and the door opened with the sound of air being released.


This is a run-on sentence. I would suggest changing it to something along the lines of, "They came upon a door, the soldier with the helmet typed a code, and the door opened with the sound of air being released." You can also make the phrases into at least two different sentences.

The striking woman eyed Novah curiously and spoke, “Kado, you’re back soon and a survivor? Please come closer. There are some things we need to ask you.” Novah approached the glass desk shyly. The woman gestured to a white cushioned chair, Novah sat. “My name is Nadine and I’m here to help. Please, tell me everything you know.”


The first part of dialogue is a bit confusing. I would suggest changing it to, "Kado, you're back so soon? And with a survivor? Please come closer. There are some things we need to ask you." Also, there should either be a period after "chair" or you should change that second phrase to, "...which Novah sat on."

Her features were intensive but when she saw the frightened look on Novah’s face, she softened her face slightly and spoke, “Please, we need to know so that we can do something about what happened to your Aunt.”


Since "Aunt" isn't a name here, it should be lowercased. ^_^

“Kado,” Nadine spoke, looking over Novah’s shoulder, “Can you get Novah into some clean clothes and show her a room.”


The period after "room" should be a question mark.

After walking through the spaceship silently, finally, Kado stopped in front of an Atana and opened a door. He then beckoned Novah to follow him.


This is worded oddly. It would sound better if you you moved the "finally" to after "Kado" instead of before.

“These are the chambers,” He spoke, looking up and Novah looked up with him.


"He" should be lowercased.

There were four elevators even distributed around the room.


I'm guessing you meant to put "evenly" instead of "even" here. ^_^

“Come on,” Kado ushered smiling at the amazed look on Novah’s face.


There should be a comma after "ushered".

Kind of like the plastic screen Nadine was using, except this one, looked a bit more simplistic.


This part sounds a bit out of place compared to the rest of your story. My suggestion is change it to something like, "It was similar to the plastic screen Nadine had used - except this one looked a bit more simplistic."

“Don’t worry. There haven’t been and reports about suspicious activity. I know it’s hard but you can’t live nowadays without Atana. The world—the world would go into chaos. That’s why we are trying to find out what went wrong with Atana-503.”


"Haven't" should be "hasn't", and there should be a comma after "hard". Also, I'm definitely sensing the importance of Atana/how much they're taken for granted from the comments about Atana so far.

“Roanoke, you should have learned that in school.” Kado teased slightly.


There should be a period/semi-colon/hyphen after "Roanoke". Interesting name choice, by the way. I wonder why you chose it.

She looked at herself in the mirror—a tall, slender built teenager with straight white hair and grey eyes—she thought about everything that has happened.


She looks awesome! ^_^

This was a great chapter. You introduced more characters, and heightened the confusion and mystery surrounding the events aboard the ship Novah awoke on. Plus, you brought up Atana again (besides being used as a consultant/computing device/being involved in an action). I'm starting to get my suspicions on what direction this story will head in, but it's too early on for me to come up with any good and solid ideas.

Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! ^_^




Charm says...


Thanks! I'm eager to get chapter 4 out! Once I'm done with chapter 5 I'll edit all the chapters I've written and make corrections.



Mageheart says...


You're welcome! ^_^



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Sun Oct 09, 2016 5:43 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



And onto chapter 3! I love the new ship, and the big, city-like feel to it. I expect Kado to play an important role in the future, maybe become her friend.

Unlike the previous two chapters, this one doesn't end with as much oomph. It feels safe and cozy now, which is nice and happy and dandy for the characters, but not very gripping for readers! It's code for "it's ok to close the book and go to bed now." I think it would be really helpful to give us some more indication of where things are going next. He suggests she look around the ship, but I feel like, where she's so young, they would give her a bit more support and direction. She's kind left hanging on her own here :S

In a similar vein, I found it hard to get a handle on her emotional state. She seems unexpectedly calm and collected. Her recounting of events, for example, is very self-aware, not what I'd expect from someone traumatized by sudden loss and fear of death (especially someone so young). This gets me back to the question of whether her personality is meant to be very detached and analytical? Because I think that's very cool and interesting. I just can't quite tell if you're doing it on purpose or not. If so, maybe spell it out a tiny bit more, make it clear for the reader?

One small thing is I noticed it was "Atara" in this chapter instead of "Atana."

On a prose level, similar to my comments on the previous chapter, I think you could bring your description alive with more vivid verbs. There's a lot of reliance on "to be" verbs (was/were etc), which are pretty bland, and tend to make descriptions feel like lists of bullet points. Other "dull" verbs include walked, looked, caused, felt. If you try and reword to eliminate as many "was"s as possible and replace them with more descriptive verbs, I think it would make the whole place feel more alive.

And I guess that's all for now! You can tag me when ch4 comes out :) Cheers and happy writing.




Charm says...


Sometimes I make the mistake of Atara instead of Atana and I'm not sure why xD Thanks for the review!



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Fri Oct 07, 2016 8:24 pm
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ChieRynn wrote a review...



Hello there marmalade! I'm here for that review I promised. I didn't CH 1 because it's already out of the Green Room...I hope that's alright. Anyway, on the the review.

There were a fer simple mistakes such as a couple of sentences that could use a comma, as well as a a couple run ons, but besides that, you're pretty good! I loved your descriptions. They were...well...descriptive, without going overboard. You did well.

And...that's really all I have to say. (Maybe I need coffee...) Good job on this! I'm waiting for the next chapter.

See you 'round the Green Room,

~ Me




Charm says...


thanks!




"Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness."
— Bishop Desmond Tutu