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(old) Atana: Chapter 1

by Charm


With a raspy gasp, Novah opened her eyes to blinding white light. Her entire body felt stiff and her brain felt cloudy, as if she had been awoken from a deep sleep. Novah lifted her hand up to cover the bright beams, that—after her eyes adjusted—were just the ceiling lamps. She lifted herself up slowing with a painful groan and cupped her head in her hands. It throbbed in waves of pain like a warning alarm going off in her mind.

Slowly but surely, Novah looked around and realized, nothing looked out of place. She was sitting on the floor against a velvet orange sofa with round cushions. The floor was white plaster covered with a red rug. The room was comfortably cool. Novah tried to remember things and slowly she did. She remembered her name, and where she was from, and why she was where she was.

Novah wasn’t exactly sure why she was on the floor, or why she had a horrible headache. But she knew that her and her aunt, Clea had come onto this ship to get away for a while. She remembered her aunt telling her she wanted quality “aunt and niece time” or something like that.

With a laugh at the funny memory, Novah shook her head of the thought, letting it pass like a cloud in the sky, and stood up. It was hard to walk at first but slowly she made her way around the room. Her soft slippers made light taps against the plaster at every step she took.

Novah stumbled over to the Atana and turned it on. The computer screen lit up, text appeared and with it a metallic female voice. “Please log in.”

Using a keyboard that she popped out of the wall from underneath the screen, Novah typed. Novah-EXDEIN-57-48-1287 and her password.

“Atana-503. Please enter an order,” the voice spoke. Novah stared at it blankly as the bar blinked waiting for her to type. Suddenly the voice spoke again, “If you would like instructions on how to give an order, please select the highlighted button.” A button with a question mark on it, in the corner of the screen, got highlighted in blue.

Novah, knowing how to give an order and not having one to give, decided to move away from the computer screen and look around. There wasn’t anything she needed from Atana at the moment. Walking around the room and studying over everything, Novah realized that the door was closed shut. Surprised, because usually the doors are kept open for easy access, Novah move back over to Atana. She now had an order to give the computer.

Popping the keyboard out again, Novah typed, Open door E2.

The computer responded, “Thank you for the order. Opening Door E2. 30%,” a bar appeared on the screen and a percentage. Novah watched the percentage grow until it hit 100% and the door opened with the sound of air being released.

Novah walked into a dark hall and initially realized she needed the lights on. Next to door E2 in the hall was another Atana surrounded by dull blue light. Novah was drawn to the light like a moth and turned on the other Atana screen.

“Atana-503. Please enter an order,” the voice spoke again.

Novah typed, Turn on lights.

“Please specify your command.”

Novah sighed and changed her command, realizing that she didn’t know the names of the halls. She only knew the room she woke up in was Room E because of the sign above the door that in blue light read, Door E2.

She typed again, Please show ship map.

“Showing ship map,” the voice spoke and up appeared the percentage bar again.

After about a minute of waiting, a map appeared. It looked like blueprints of the whole ship. Every room was labeled with a number and every Atana was highlighted in blue. Novah saw the room she woke up in near the back of the ship. It was labeled Room E. She followed the map, through door E2 and saw that it lead to corridor D. That was where she was.

So, Novah typed with her new found information, Turn on Corridor D lights.

“Turning on Corridor D Lights.”

The lights turned on, brightening up the dark hallway.

The corridor looked very similar to the room Novah woke up in. The floor and walls were made out of the same white plaster. On the opposite wall of the Atana, there was a big window looking out at the empty space. But other than that the room was empty.

Novah moved over to the window and put her hands up against the thick plastic. The black emptiness was filled with stars, scattered around beautifully. She couldn’t see any hubs around and realizing that a dark sad emptiness settled in her gut.

Where was everyone? Novah hadn’t seen any sign of other people, but she knew her aunt came onto the ship with her. She knew there was staff because they served dinner the night before.

Novah’s heart started to beat rapidly as her mind raced with thoughts of being alone. Quickly she spun on her heel towards Atana to try something she had never tried before.

She typed, Where are the other people?

“There are no other life forms on deck,” Atana spoke mechanically.

Novah’s heart sunk down into her gut. As she thought more, she gained more questions. Who’s flying the ship?

“The captain set the ship on self-flight. So in other words, I am.”

What happened to the other people?

“I am unaware of any other life forms on deck.”

What happened to the other people?

“All 60 pods left ship exactly 7 hours, 53 minutes, and 42 seconds ago.”

Novah gapped at the new found information. 60 pods...each pod carries at most 5 people...that means...300 people. Novah was alone on a ship that was carrying 300 people and what happened to those people...Atana couldn’t or wouldn’t tell her.

Novah needed to know more. She needed to get to the bridge and see if maybe she could connect to another ship. So she typed, Open door D2.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What do you mean you can’t open the door!” Novah yelled out loud for the first time since she woke up.

In a panic that she couldn’t control, Novah ran into Room E and looked around for some sort of cupboard. Every room needed a book with all the codes and things to use in case of emergency. She looked in the cupboards until she found a black book with the name Atana-503 written on it, in big white letters.

Novah flipped to the table of contents and went to the section on orders. She skimmed over paragraphs talking about how to give orders and the rules, until she found a section on what to do if your edition of Atana isn’t obeying orders.

It told her to input a code instead of an order so Atana didn’t have the chance to process the order. Using a code forced Atana to obey.

Novah sighed of relief even though her hands were still shaking and her heart was still pounding. With the book in her arms, Novah ran over to the nearest Atana and typed in the code.

A percentage bar showed up without the voice and Novah nervously watched it, slowly turn from 10% to 11% and so forth. After minutes of tedious waiting, the percentage finally turned 100% and the sound of air being released fill the room. Her heart pounding, Novah turned her head to door D2.

What lay behind the open door sparked curiosity, so she moved forward. Novah now stood in the doorway and what she saw lay behind the door made her racing heart stop and her eyes widen. She had never felt so alone and afraid.

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Mon Nov 21, 2016 8:08 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Marmalade! Casanova here to do a review for you!
Now, I'm here from the green room because I decided to read and review your previous five chapters before reviewing the sixth chapter, so bear with me through this. I'll not be touching on Novah's character development or anything like that- I see the reviewers below me have already gotten at that. I'll be doing minor nitpicks.

Now, the first thing I wanted to point off was something that came off as awkward to me-

Novah lifted her hand up to cover the bright beams, that—after her eyes adjusted—were just the ceiling lamps.


Now, I love punctuation combos(I mean really, it's fun), but this is weird. It doesn't seem like it's natural, and a bit too slow here. Especially using the hyphens here. Also, you say Novah is covering the beams- but isn't she really covering her eyes to protect from the beams? I would suggest rewriting this to format it better and get your point across more clearly. Something like-

"Novah lifted her hand to shield her eyes from the bright beams. After her eyes adjusted she could tell they were just the ceiling lamps."

Something like that I think would help it.

The next thing I would like to mention is the dialogue. When you're using it, you break the paragraph. Or with a different thought. I noticed you didn't do this in a few paragraphs, and thought it was worth a quick reminder.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one. I hope this has helped, at least a bit.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.




Charm says...


The next thing I would like to mention is the dialogue. When you're using it, you break the paragraph. Or with a different thought. I noticed you didn't do this in a few paragraphs, and thought it was worth a quick reminder.

I only break when a different character is speaking. That's what you're supposed to do in literature. Thanks for your review.



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Mon Oct 17, 2016 9:29 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi marmalade! ^_^ Mage here to do the long overdue promised review! I'm sorry for taking awhile to getting around to reviewing this. ^^" I hope that it wouldn't happen again. Well, let's get to the actual review, shall we?

Overall, your writing was awesome! ^_^ I'm already really interested in the story and I can't wait to read the next one after I finish this review. My main suggestion is that you try to have more sentence variety - making some short and others combinations of phrases (you mainly did the last of these two).

I'll move into the more specific stuff now. For the most part, these quotes either have something that I think is a problem or is something I had a big reaction to.

She lifted herself up slowing with a painful groan and cupped her head in her hands.


There should be a comma after "up". Also, I have a quick question about what you meant here. Did you mean to put slowing or slowly? Either one works, but I just wanted to see what your original intentions were there.

Slowly but surely, Novah looked around and realized, nothing looked out of place.


There doesn't need to be a comma after "realized". And, though this definitely isn't necessary to change, the "slowly" of that sentence seems a bit repetitive because you used slowing in the previous paragraph. I would suggest switching either one of those out with an antonym.

But she knew that her and her aunt, Clea had come onto this ship to get away for a while.


There should be a comma after "Clea".

Novah stumbled over to the Atana and turned it on. The computer screen lit up, text appeared and with it a metallic female voice.


Shocked would be a good way to describe my reaction to this part. Atana being the computer is a neat idea - I love the name, by the way - and it makes me wonder how important the computer will be because the title of the book shares the name.

Suddenly the voice spoke again, “If you would like instructions on how to give an order, please select the highlighted button.”


I think the comma after "again" can be a period, but I'm not sure on that one.

The computer responded, “Thank you for the order. Opening Door E2. 30%,” a bar appeared on the screen and a percentage.


There should be a period after "%" and "a" should be capitalized.

Novah now stood in the doorway and what she saw lay behind the door made her racing heart stop and her eyes widen. She had never felt so alone and afraid.


That was a great way to tie up the chapter and keep the reader interested! ^_^

I really enjoyed this story, even though my review may not make it seem that way. You have a great vocabulary, and the situation you've presented the reader with is an engaging one. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! ^_^




Charm says...


Thank you so much for this review. It was super helpful. I'm really glad you're reviewing my novel <3



Mageheart says...


You're welcome! ^_^ I've been meaning to review it, but just haven't had the time. ^^" But now I'm trying to catch up on all of the reviews I promised to do. ^_^



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Thu Oct 06, 2016 11:00 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Hi there! Here to review as requested, and can't wait to get started! Hooray for sci-fi space opera!

This is a very intriguing start because you present us with a big mystery, and right away we know something is wrong. We're jumping right into the story and the inciting incident, which is great. I also love her slow discovery as she explores through the spaceship. You gradually deepen the mystery, building more and more of a "uh oh, things are not right."

You could tighten your prose, cut out extra words here and there, but I won't get too in-depth on that subject for now. Overall I thought the prose was pretty clean and strong, and like, 100x better than what I was writing when I was 15.

I only got a vague sense of character from Novah. She came across as very detached. Analytical. I'm not sure how much of that is her actual personality vs her reaction to events around her. Think about what you want to portray and decide whether that's who she is as a person, or if there's more you want to inject into her actions and reactions.

Plotwise, I think the big picture mystery is interesting, but the actual narrative could use some more oomph. I especially felt at the start that she did a lot of wandering around, being passive and just kind of stumbling upon stuff. I would like to see her be more goal-oriented (even if they are only little things), rather than aimlessly doing things and realizing she doesn't know why. I assume a lot of her headspace right now is influenced by whatever happened to her and the memory loss, but it feels a little... off-kilter? Like some things she knows/remembers inexplicably, while with others it's highlighted WHEN she remembers them. I was a little unclear on what was innate knowledge vs what she was gradually remembering.

The other big thing is... Show us what's behind the door. I can't emphasize that strongly enough. That's soooooo important for making a good hook. What's behind the door needs to be the interesting part, not the mystery of finding out what it is. Think about it this way, if what's in there ISN'T super cool or horrifying or awesome or whatever, we're going to have a big let-down at the start of the next chapter. But if it IS that great, why not use it here as the bombshell that makes use have to turn the page! Basing your tension on "Wait to find out until after the commercial break!" is an artificial trick, and it's not as strong as using your actual content to create a strong hook.

See you in the next chapter hopefully soon! Cheers.




Charm says...


Thanks for the review :)



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Fri Sep 30, 2016 5:46 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hi marmalade! :D
Snazzy here for a review!

Norah tried to remember things and slowly she did.


This seems a bit, off, and I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it's because it seems unbelievable that she would remember anything after what just happened (because obviously, from the first paragraph, it was something really big!).

Norah, knowing how to give an order and not having one to give, decided to move away from the computer screen and look around.


If she didn't have an order to give, then why would she go over and log in in the first place...? I understand she needs to for later, which is perfectly fine, but I would have her discover the shut doors at first, and then log in and enter an order, since she had a good reason to.

She couldn’t see any hubs around and realizing that a dark sad emptiness settled in her gut.


It seems like she wouldn't be sad that there weren't any other hubs around, but rather scared instead (at least I would). Having her be scared of the emptiness rather than just sad could also kind of foreshadow something bad happening in the end, and build up a more ominous feel, I think.

What happened to the other people?

“I am unaware of any other life forms on deck.”

What happened to the other people?

“All 60 pods left ship exactly 7 hours, 53 minutes, and 42 seconds ago.”


This little segment seems a bit odd. Like Atana was resisting, and then instantly gave in. I like the part of Atana kind of resisting to tell Norah of what actually happened to the people, don't get me wrong, but I think maybe Atana should've maybe held out a little longer - or Norah used more force to get Atana to tell her what happened. (Example: What happened to the other people? "I am unaware of any other life forms on deck." Norah furrowed her eyebrows, and entered the order more forcefully. What happened to the other people on board? ".... and so on.) Just an idea though.

What lay behind the open door sparked curiosity, so she moved forward. Norah now stood in the doorway and what she saw lay behind the door made her racing heart stop and her eyes widen.


Now I do like your ending (it really "packs a punch"), but it seems that Norah's heart would 'stop' and her eyes widen when she saw it in the first place. I think you would be fine with her just slowly walking in and then stopping in her tracks when she saw what was behind the door, or maybe even have her heart stop and her eyes widen when she first saw it, and then have your powerful ending sentence. :D

All in all, this is really nice! I've never actually read a lot of sci-fi, (and I've only experimented with it myself on one occasion), so with my limited knowledge on science fiction, I think this is really nice! I did kind of get that ominous, something is "not right" at the end, and I REALLY love it!! Nice suspense at the end!

Great job with this, and keep writing!! (CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTERRR!! :D )

~Snazzy




Charm says...


YAY! You're totally right about the whole Atana resisting part, I write in school sometimes so I was probably rushing to get through that dialogue xD



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Fri Sep 30, 2016 4:31 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hello marmalade! I'm here to review your work today, so let's get on with it!

First off, I think it's a pretty well-written story. It had a ton of potential and for a chapter end, I love how it left off on a cliff hanger. You wrapped it up nicely at the end, but not too tight that it's hard to start off on another chapter leading off from that point.

After minutes of tedious waiting the percentage finally turned 100% and the sound of air being released fill the room. Her heart pounding, Norah turned her head to door D2.


I want to point this out for two reasons. One, I love the way you really explained what Norah was feeling as this happened, but Two, it felt a little... awkward when it transitions from the air being released to just saying, 'her heart pounding, Norah ..' I feel like you could have built that up just a little more with something like 'her heart started to race' or something, but it's not too big of a deal, just my opinion.

Using a code forced Atana do obey.


I think you meant 'forced Atana to obey'.

Norah sighed of relief


Another small little error, I think you meant 'Norah sighed with relief' or something on that order.

She remembered her name, and where she was from, and why she was where she was.

Norah wasn’t exactly sure why she was on the floor, or why she had a horrible headache


This confused me while I was reading it. You say Norah knows why she was where she was (on the floor) and in the next sentence it says she doesn't. Does she or does she not know why she's on the floor? If she does, why is she on the floor, and if she doesn't, I would just remove that first bit about remembering why she was there.
(another quick thing is you mention her headache now and I skimmed over it a few times, but I can't find anything else about this 'horrible headache'. I'd either remove it or just add a few things about it. I know how hard it is to remember a character's injury)

Surprised, because usually the doors are kept open for easy access, Norah move back over to Atana. She now had an order to give the computer.


This feels a little unnecessary, since we know that she has an order to give Atana, as she is moving back towards the computer.

Norah was alone on a ship that was carrying 300 people and what happened to those people...Atana couldn’t or wouldn’t tell her.


This is confusing to me. It says that Norah is alone, but then you say she's on a ship that 'was carrying 300 people' and I know 'was' is past tense and is used to describe something that had previously happened, but the way you used it sounded as if there still were people on the ship. 'Had been' sounds more as if it were happening and no longer is.


But other than some small mistakes (they happen all the time, don't worry about it, if I've made you worry), it's really nicely done! I'm not really much of a sci-fi person myself, but this is something I would definitely read more of. Sci-fi, in my opinion, is really interesting when combined with mystery and, as someone who grew up with nerd parents and has watched Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica, I really appreciate spacey stories and haven't read/watched one in a very long time (it sounds like it's in space anyway, please forgive me if I'm wrong), but this one drew me attention and I looked forward to reading more!

Thank you for sharing, I hope to see more from you, and have an amazing day!! :)

-inky




Charm says...


Thanks! I'll definitely fix those issues. :)



mellifera says...


No problem!




By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill