-this is my heart today-
Today is a yucky heart day.
You know the feeling. You wake up and your mind immediately goes to him. The him that you shouldn’t still have in your heart, but the him that refuses to leave.
You go about your day and listen to your friends in love gush about their assumed soul mates. You can’t help but think Iwanthim Iwanthim Iwanthim. You know it’s not healthy. You know that you shouldn’t. You know that you’re here while he’s over there and it would be better for everyone if you learned to not want him.
But you want him.
As hard as you try and as much as you plead - you want him.
You want him for the good and bad and everything that comes with him. You want him for the happiness and for the heartache, the joys and the sorrows. You want him today as much as you did yesterday, as much as you did three years ago.
Three years ago. It’s really been that long.
As much as you wish it wasn’t true, you can’t help but think there is no one better than him. You want him, but you are here and he’s over there and there’s still too much that needs to be different.
But you want to wait for him to be different. You believe he will be different. You know he has it in him. Because you want him.
And when want turns to longing and longing turns to love then you’re right back where you started with your heart here and his heart there and a million miles in between.
You listen to your songs of strength that remind you that it’s okay to be not okay, he is nothing, and I am Lovestrong. They dampen the feelings for the time being until you go to class and see that boy that looks like him from that one certain angle and your heart runs away again. You can’t escape because you’re stuck in lecture and it hurts and you want him but you’re here and he’s there and maybe it’s just not supposed to be.
They tell you to break your addiction or soon he’ll leave you stranded in a ditch on the side of the road with nothing but your tears and heartache. You don’t agree because your heart screams he is it. You want him to be it. Why can’t he just be it?
Why has it been two years since we were happy together and yet neither can turn away? Why does he keep coming back right when I’m ready to leave for good? Whyhim whyhim whyhim?
You listen to your friend talk about his great night with his new boyfriend and you want that too. You want your own boy back. You want to be able to talk to him, share with him, laugh with him, cry with him, be with him. But you are here, and he is there, and today is just a yucky heart day.