z

Young Writers Society


12+

Sidewalk Kid -- Chapter 1 -- The Biggest Lie

by CannonFire22


     I stumbled out of the gym, dripping sweat, listening to everyone inside still screaming. The concessions table was right in front of me, and a tall, freckled, muscly teenager sat behind it. "Whadya want, kid?"

     "One slice of cheese pizza and a soda, please." Bent over, I glanced at the window behind the guy's head. It was dark outside. Empty nothingness, except for the floodlight attached to the side of the building that was in desperate need of repair. It illuminated the night a little, just enough so that I could make out fluffy snowflakes gliding through the air.

     The guy slapped my pizza onto one of those flimsy paper plates that are always stained with whatever juices come off the food on them. He opened a cooler underneath the table. "Diet Coke okay?"

     "Sure." I rifled through the side pocket of the gym bag slung over my left shoulder, finding a crumpled fiver in the bottom corner. "Keep the change."

     "Thanks." The guy handed me the soda, grabbing the money from my hand. "Good game, kid. Sounds like ya did good."

     "Thanks." I slipped my soda into my bag, then walked back into the gym. 

     Bright and blazing, the gym was buzzing with after-game activity. Two of the tallest guys on the team, Mike and Berry, were sinking some beautiful three-pointers, with half the team staring up at them in awe. The dads were clustered around Coach, patting his back and shaking his hand and complimenting him, and the moms were trying to convince their sons to let them take photos, or trying to find their husbands. The basketball crate was empty, shoved against a lonely wall. I guess it knew that it would be shelved soon - it looked sad, sitting there all alone. I knew how that felt. 

     I climbed the bleachers and found a seat at the top. Setting down my pizza on the seat next to me, I took out my soda, cracked it open, and took a sip. Nothing like a Diet Coke after the championship basketball game. Then I opened my gym bag, and took out the book Dad had sent me a few weeks before. 

     "Whatcha got there, Dexter?"

     I knew that voice all too well. 

     "What's the matter, Dexter? Not gonna talk?"

     His was the most popular kid in our school. If the most popular kid in the twelfth grade was the mayor of New York City, the this kid was President of the United States, that magnitude of popularity. He had hair as black as the sky was that night, slicked back with what seemed like an entire bottle of hair gel. He was the sportiest of anyone who had ever been on a sports team, and his hazel eyes turned blood red when he was on the court. A mile higher than everyone else, all the girls fell for him, and all the guys wanted to be friends with him. 

     "Not gonna talk?"

     But, to me, if I were a house of cards, this kid would be the hurricane. 

     I did not look up from my book. "Go away, Bolt."

     Him being the most popular kid in school, everybody could probably fill out a personal profile about him. I knew I could. I practically knew everything about this kid. His full name was Trenton Elias Kingsley, but even the teachers knew him as Bolt. It was what the basketball coach in middle school called him, and it sort of stuck. That and it was mandatory if you did not want to get beaten up. His father was Brett Alejandro Kingsley, a respected actor that was at the time filming a mystery series with Netflix that the entire country was watching. His mother was Nina Marie Kingsley, a real estate attorney who had started her own firm from scratch. His grandfather, Nino, was the mayor of New York City. His older brother, Andrew, ran the company my mom worked for, and was pursuing a PhD. Bolt lived with his parents in one of those luxury townhouses in Manhattan that cost at least a million dollars. He already had guaranteed admission to three Ivys, courtesy of his father. 

     "No one tells me to go away." He ripped the book from my hands. "What's this, Dexter? A guide to being a nerd?"

    I felt myself turn red. "No, it's not. It's a book on quantum mechanics. Now, go away." I pulled the book from his hands and to my chest. 

     "Playin' rough, I see...take this!"

     Before I knew what was happening, something wet drenched me, my gym bag, and my book. I looked at what had once been my pristine white basketball jersey. It was brown down the front. I looked to the side. So much for my Diet Coke. 

     As I was looking to the side, Bolt punched me in the stomach, then proceeded to slap me in the face. He grabbed my pizza and bounded down the bleachers, two at a time. 

     I stared at my sneakers. They had also been white, but were now splattered with Diet Coke drops and something red. I touched my nose. Blood. My nose was bleeding, and it was bleeding down my shirt and onto my shoes. "Good God." 

     On the wall across from where I stood, I could see the clock. Six till seven. I had to leave. Mom's birthday. I looked down at my dirty uniform once again. Good thing Coach had passed out the trophies right after the game. "I'll change at Hudson's when I pop in to get Mom's gift." 

     I shoved my wet, soda-smelling book into my gym bag. I grabbed my now empty soda can and threw it down the bleachers, where it landed in a trashcan. Head hung, I walked down the bleachers and out the door slowly, dripping Diet Coke and blood. 

     The guy at the concessions table stared at me. "Ya okay there, kid? Looks like ya got a lil' somethin' on ya shirt there." 

     I shook my head again. "I'm fine." The biggest lie in the world, but it saved time. I walked out the door into the empty nothingness of the floodlight-lit night, not caring that the snow stung every time it fell on my bare skin. 




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557 Reviews


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Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:00 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Heya! It's pretty cool to see a novel floating around with some sports! I actually used to play basketball, but I'm pretty short and can't catch rebounds, so I had to quit. At least there's still pep band.

Now then, onto the review:

Technical Comments:

1. There's a kind of rawness in this writing that I think matches Dexter's character. I wouldn't normally encourage starting so many sentences with 'I' or having so many short sentences, but it works somehow. I feel like I'm a little more inside Dexter's head.

2. I know most people in the States will know what the inside of a high school basketball gym looks like, but you might want to spend a little more time on setting anyways. I want to know if this school is really nice (probably is, if a kid like Bolt is there), and freshly waxed the floor is, and what the school colors are. Obviously this is the first chapter, so you don't have to get way into what the school's like, but some casual details here and there would be nice to set the tone for what everyday life is like.

3. Little thing: I don't know how big Dexter's school is, but there are lots of people who stay late after basketball games aside from the team members and parents. Actually, at my school the pep band stayed the longest, since we'd always play until everyone left. It's up to you though. : )

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. It's so nice to see a kid who's both on a sports team and does 'nerdy' stuff! The idea that schools have to be clique-y and separated is pretty toxic, and having gone to a school where everyone's really supportive of each other, I know that it's so easy to do and try everything when lots of people are also doing lots of different activities.

2. That being said, I think the jock-picks-on-nerds thing is a little worn. The fact that Dexter is on the basketball changes the game (haha that's a pun) somewhat, but still keep in mind that there is a trope for this situation out there, and you might have a lot of fun breaking the nerds-outsmart-jocks trope in some way.

I think that's about it. Keep me in the loop when you update, please? I'd love to see where you take this, and it'll be fun for me to relive some of the high school basketball moments (assuming you plan on including more).

Happy Review Day!
-Buggie




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Tue Dec 19, 2017 7:38 am
writerkitty wrote a review...



Hello there, Vingi's here with a review for you! ^-^

I'm surprised that this amazing work is still in the Green Room. Let's try to fix that now, shall we?


I really enjoyed reading this from the start to the end and I'm not lying, you have a really colorful protagonist and I really like the voice of your character
It's really strong and sure hooks the reader to your story.

Another thing that I like about your story is the use of descriptions. Usually, I get slightly bored when reading lengthy paragraphs filled with descriptions of the setting and the people. I mean, it is necessary to give a description of the setting and all, but overdoing is one main way to lose the reader's interest.
I'm really glad that you didn't do that. You used the right amount of descriptions and I really enjoyed reading it all, because the way your character described it made it an enjoyable read.

Next off, I'm already intrigued to see where this is heading. :D Keep the reader interested in the next chapter, you got that covered. ^_^

:D The characters seemed so real and your dialogue was pretty good and I felt like I was there, experiencing the whole scenario. Good job!

^_^ I'm really not sugarcoating this story, I genuinely enjoyed it.
The realistic setting, the lifelike characters, awesome description. It all helped to flesh out your novel.

I like where you ended this chapter too. It sure suits your title.
I don't think this chapter is too short, it seems just the right length because of it if was too long it would've been kinda hard to review.

(and I'm sure emolemon was talking about their review...)

I feel really sorry for Dexter, it must be pretty hard to put up with a jerk like Bolt. And it's surprising how he bears all that bullying...hope he stands up against that meanie someday.

I caught a few nit-picks along the way,

His was the most popular kid in our school.


The word His doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with He

If the most popular kid in the twelfth grade was the mayor of New York City, the this kid was President of the United States, that magnitude of popularity.


It is unlikely that your sentence needs the article the before this. Consider deleting the article.


His older brother, Andrew, ran the company my mom worked for, and was pursuing a Ph.D. Bolt lived with his parents in one of those luxury townhouses in Manhattan that cost at least a million dollars.


I'm not sure whether the comma here is really necessary.

This is a really good story with a neat start, I can't wait to read more! ^-^

That's all for now,
I'm sorry if this review isn't that helpful...

Never stop writing and have an awesome day!
(also, please tag me when you post the next chapter!)
Vingi




CannonFire22 says...


Thank you so much for reviewing my work! I'm really glad you enjoyed it so much, and I'll be sure to look at those nit-picks and avoid a repeat in the next chapter. Lastly, I will definitely let you know when the next chapter is out -- I have to write more reviews first, but once I get enough to publish a new chapter, I'll do it in a heartbeat:) Thanks again for reviewing!



writerkitty says...


^-^ You're welcome!! I really enjoyed reviewing it.



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Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:59 pm
lemonboi says...



This is really awesome! I only caught one thing:

"If the most popular kid in the twelfth grade was the mayor of New York City, the this kid was President of the United States, that magnitude of popularity."

Revised:
"If the most popular kid was the mayor of New York City, then this kid was the President of the United States, the magnitude of popularity."




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Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:59 pm
lemonboi says...



oh it was too short...
~~sorry




CannonFire22 says...


Thanks! I'll work on it.

Sorry to disappoint, but I'm not going to change my chapter size. It's how my mind works - short chapters. But thank you for the advice, and thank you for reviewing me!



lemonboi says...


omL that's NOT what I meant!!!!!!!!!
I swear I was talking about my first post, it was supposed to be my first review!
I"M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY!



CannonFire22 says...


Oh, sorry! I accidentally misinterpreted your post. You're fine, it's all on me. Thanks again for reviewing, and I'll let you know when the next chapter comes out:)




Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
— Ann Landers