The man on your right shoulder bares his wings widely and calls himself your Gabriel (Him), all ethereal and white, basking in the best efforts of kindness. But he doesn’t take too kindly that I’ve taken up residency on your left, and he cacaws at my impudence at what he calls “chutzpah”. But I’m not sure I care. He breathes venom in your ear unlike any snake I’ve seen, quite willing you to eat the apple, he says I’ve stolen from the tree. Still, it doesn’t matter much.
For we’re still here.
Together.
If I was an Eve, much less yours wouldn’t you be an Adam? Thus negating all reason for His presence, still he presses on, determined to fend me off your shoulders and into the dumpster. I’ve seen this dumpster. It’s dusty and dark, filled with murky substances that were once imaginative sprites, and now just pieces of old chalked up cardboard.
I tried once, to pluck the long feathers emblazoned on his wings, but he snapped and called me foolish.
Have you ever just felt like smiling?
I have. For no reason at all; it’s a pleasant thing far more pleasant that the one-sided bickering my ears are now prone to. I’m just lucky you only hear Him through concealed reconsideration. But you hear me, I know you do, we sigh together and that’s pleasant (too). I think the innocence is on Him. We are too world wise. For we have been world wise together for such a long time. And Death that’s just an illusion, for I met him last week through your eyes-- he speaks in all caps. Just to me he replied, HELLO. I don’t think you heard him clearly. For I’m not really dead am I, if you are still passionate in me? That would be paradoxical. We were one years before that man on your shoulder showed his face. We were one in thought long before we rowed into the oncoming barrage of seamonkey critics. If there is one thing on which we agree, Gabriel and me, it’s that we are here because of you.
There are no Gods darling only thoughts and wishes.
So keep me alive and think of me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite a powerful start here. Its not too often you run into a story of this particular style, but this one seems to be an especially powerful branch from one of these where we've got this person sort of stuck between this one personality of themselves or maybe even an outside influence of sorts that appears to not be taking them in the greatest of directions although those lines towards the end there make me wonder if perhaps the opposite is somehow going on.
That's an interesting question to throw out there at seemingly random there. It definitely raises more than one question there in terms of what to be doing. I do wonder where this is trying to steer us in too, because it is clear that one specific sort of mental image is being pushed ahead but it is also changing somewhat as we go on here.
Okay somewhat confusing there towards the very end at least for me. I don't quite know if its just me or not, but it seemed to dive in a direction that was a little too different there and I'm just no sure what this is trying to do here. Its an intriguing ending, you're left thinking quite a bit, but its still a bit harder to decide what its exactly its trying to say.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there.
This is my fiftieth review of RevMo, which I was not expecting to finish at all. Anyway, this review is very late, but at least it's here now.
First off, I would almost rather see this in a poetic form more, as some of these sentences really flow together. I think that the formatting of this throws me off a little as it reads as short bursts than a really long paragraph, which I think disrupts the flow, and sends me into confusion even further. I'd recommend going over this and dividing these lines into a more practical way. I don't really see a huge impact that its current state has on the story.
Continuing on, the religious aspect of this is more interesting than most ones I've seen lately, as there's at least some comparison between good and evil and what everything could mean. I do like how the perspective is from the apparent "bad" portion to bounce off the "good" part since this adds a different layer to a story that's a little used. Admittedly, there are quite a few plays off the good and bad guide on people's shoulders, but this is just chaotic enough to make it different.
I'm curious if the speaker is indeed female, or just uses the Eve comparison to mark them as the "evil" part of "Adam." And I think that the cryptic tone to this fits just right in a tale of having an almost guardian "devil" following a person around before the "angel" showed up.
Overall, I enjoyed this a lot the second read around, as I think I picked up on things a lot more than before. The inclusion of Death was actually a little amusing, which I think is yet another quirk to this story.
I like it. That's all I've got for now, but happy RevMo 2018.
I know this a bloody year old - but it's such a good read.
...reminded me of a Puckish-sort.
But I assume throughout you're playing on the 'angel-devil-on-the-shoulder' image?
Anyhow, thought-provoking read; the images along with the conversational voice of the narrator... Ack - I'm not being very articulate. A lot deeper than it seems; there's something light and airy about it, just as beneath there seems an abyss of depth.
I really don't get this. You're use of language is really good, but it's way to vague. Who is the narrator in this, and who is this mysterious "you". Very confusing.