Hey there.
I'm still seeing some of the repeating issues, even though they differ a bit from the last poem of yours I saw. These lines seem almost a bit too short for me and they just keep running by, with the lack of punctuation going on, again. I think this poem might have been slightly earlier than the one I reviewed before and I'll put some of the grammar issue down to that. There definitely needs to be some actual punctuation going into this poem, so that the thoughts connect and stop properly.
The mixture of super long lines with super short lines still manages to be relevant within this poem, further down when you go through this relationship.
that once spoke the melodies
of
a charmer
It's hard to transition into that point and I think the best option for you is to go with some stanzas, which would just make it easier in a lot of ways. I have a couple of reasons to standardly recommend stanzas, mainly riding on the fact that poems have a big presentation factor. You want some emotional response from how you present the poem and the organization also matters to how someone might work their way through your poem. All things to consider.
The concept of muse poems always puts me off because I've read so many that had like the rape slant to them. Just in the wording that people usually choose for the adoration of an object, it almost always has a creepy vibe to it. And that's just something that can't be avoided but I would recommend trying to spin it with more positive imagery. Right now it automatically becomes dark and there's no work being done against it, so not really satisfied.
I'll probably review more of your poetry because it's the only thing around in 2005.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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