Hey there.
I've seen a lot of your poems on my journey but I've been avoiding a review for now. It's mainly how your style bothers me, which is almost like trying for satire but then it's not executed very well. So whatever humor that was supposed to come from the clicheness of a certain just ends up driving me further away from the poem. That's the something that needs to be considered for the eventual progression, like how much do you value one part of your style versus the aspect of feedback?
I decided to review this one because it seemed a bit chiller and was going with a bit better structure. I care a lot more than most people about structure and formatting, and it makes a lot of my initial judgements about a piece. The author note says that you were having trouble formatting the poem and I can see in a future draft where creative white space might be necessary. I still haven't made it all the way through this poem, that's just the vibe I'm getting from it.
angels manned (with) firesticks and
sectioned methodmonologues
are vivid in my infidelic dreams(creams)
but you’re there with
peter pan smiles and
tinkerbell mischief
The imagery begins here with the Peter Pan ideas but that just gives me a bad feel for the poem. Like the commitment to the imagery was nice but this particular type of dream land concept, just has a lot of bad press. it might not have been that way when you wrote the poem or chose the imagery for a naive factor. But yeah it doesn't do much for me outside of trying to guess how dark the poem is going to turn further down the line.
And then there's the decision to talk about Mephistopheles, if we didn't have enough demons happening already. I don't remember that in any aspect to Peter Pan but I'm guessing you either chose it for the equal fairy tale aspect or just because it's a famous name. So for either of those outcomes, then that shines on the wording and choices in the poem, depending on how the important things were chosen. And they mostly shine in a negative light.
I think that's all I've got.
Happy revmo.
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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