Published March 27, 2017
Winter and Fall
By: Caitlin M. M.
Fall, the leaves are winter’s messengers,
Which remind you of the coming cold.
Pumpkin is everywhere, in hot drinks, which are soldiers,
fighting the cold in your chilled body,
in pie, which makes you feel at home.
Winter, it is inevitable, and you know
those cute knee-height boots you wore two weeks ago,
will be replaced by the elephant-like boots
that you thought you could forget about by shoving under your bed.
Winter, the ground, a big ice pack.
You prefer the light jacket over the bulky one,
which seems to have more pockets than your whole wardrobe.
And the boots, that seem to want to immobilize you,
definitely weigh more than the boots you wore two weeks ago.
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Heyo, Caitlin! First, I want to preface this with the fact that it's been a long time since I've seriously critiqued poetry, so I apologize in advance.
This poem very much feels literal, which isn't really a bad thing. It's cute and sweet, but I'm not sure if I would call it "straight to the point". It's ending isn't the strongest, but the poem doesn't feel like it's trying to be anything big either. It is what it is and it it has its message. It seems like a lot of this stuff on the poem lies on the surface -- little soldiers fighting the cold in your body, elephant-like boots, a big ice pack for the ground. The similes and metaphors are nice, but I do wish they had all gone a little bit further. (Will attempt to expand on this.)
The 'w' being capitalized breaks out of a stylistic choice that's enforced by the rest of the poem. If a line ends with a comma, then the next line starts with a lower case letter. This breaks out of that before it even begins.
I'm also a bit confused at the first two lines in this section. Is the pumpkin the soldiers or is it the hot drinks which take on the role of soldiers? If it's the pumpkin, then I would like a little bit more clarity there (and perhaps a bit more expansion on them in the pie). If it's the drink, then a bit expansion on how the soldiers are fighting and how it feels. Tiny soldiers fighting how, exactly? What tactics?
The use of 'elephant-like' was an apt descriptor, but it also oddly felt out of place. The boots feel big and bulky and grey, yes, but is there more to the elephant descriptor? What type of imprint do these boots leave in the winter snow? Do they feel ugly?
Does the narrator have anything against elephants?What else about these boots makes the narrator dislike them?A lot of this poem feels a little bit disjointed in its metaphors and similes, from leaves being messengers to the ground being an icepack, the imagery doesn't feel like it crafts a coherent story. It sounds as if they were all thrown together because they were the first thing that aptly described what one specific stanza needed, but not what the poem needed as a whole. The feeling of disjointedness might actually go away if this is cut into multiple smaller stanzas, funnily enough. I expect the imagery to be able to run together when it's presented in a block like this, but it's a bit more easy to forgive the lack of cohesion when it looks like it's supposed to be separated out.
This doesn't really feel like an ending. Rather, it feels like it's trying to be an ending, but doesn't quite make it there. A lot of this poem comes across like it's dealing with the arrival of winter, as opposed to being just winter and fall, and this ending line solidifies that, but it doesn't feel like an ending. I read the last line and yet I expect there to be something else, but there isn't anything there.
As I said before, this was short and sweet! I do hope that you keep on writing, because I wouldn't mind seeing more from you. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to reply or send me a PM.
Once again, keep on writing!
-Castor
Hey there CaitlinMarie and a somewhat late welcome to YWS. It's just lizz dropping by for ten minutes, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
The first thing I noticed was the organization of the poem or more the lack of stanzas. I mean they're not completely necessary depending on the mood and theme of the poem but in your case, it would be beneficial to separate the thoughts. The different parts are already pretty well apart with the indicated punctuation but I think you may want to break some bonds here and there. The first two lines would go good completely alone, since at that point you're just trying to get the reader to understand where you're coming from. Further on down would be the best place to combine lines to form stanzas.
They will be odd numbered but that's pretty chill all things considered.
6 minutes left
The placing of commas is also a bit awkward, where you have commas serving in place of words. I saw a lot of places where you used a comma but to match the feel of the poem, it might have just been better to throw in a couple more words. Take for instance the first line.
I understand what you're trying to use this line for but the immediate commas throw me off a bit and drive me away. This is because even though the reader understands the point, if you look at it not understanding the deeper meaning, it doesn't make grammatical sense. I would add 'in' or maybe just take out 'the'. That leaves you with two possible combinations which I have placed in the quotes below.
or
That's just two possible ways to do it but there are many different combos for swapping things out here and there. I did use this one as an example because that's the main thing I came across that I disagreed with.
Overall I did like the poem and I think it just needs to be touched up a bit. The imagery is a bit rough here and there but isn't very plain, so you have a good starting point. My time is up so I'm gonna head out now.
Have a nice day.
Lizz
A Green Room Knight
Hey guys, this is a poem I had to write in LA class recently and I almost got full marks on it, so what the heck? Might as well share it with you guys.