“…and this graveyard actually holds the records for the most spectral sightings in the whole country,” the earnest, bespectacled man said, leaning close to his huddle of listeners. “Over a hundred people have encountered the most famous of the graveyard’s visitors, the Grey Lady, who can be seen here at night, holding her lantern aloft.”
One of the audience, a skinny, freckled lad, wasn’t really listening to the tour guide. His eyes were fixed on a spot just behind the guide’s shoulder, and his lip was wobbling.
“…the Grey Lady is reputed to be…”
One finger rising, trembling, to point at the spot that so fixated him, the lad began to emit a wobbling, high-pitched whine. The people around him followed his gaze, and a chorus of gasps and little shrieks broke out. Even the bespectacled guide paused in his script to turn, and let out a strangled exclamation.
“It’s her! The Grey Lady herself!”
Some yards up the slope, just visible in the gloaming between a pair of headstones, stood a tall, slender lady, clad in sombre robes. In one hand, she held a lantern aloft… and she was translucent enough that you could see the trees behind her. Her face was gripped with a melancholy agony, and she drifted towards the path, moaning softly.
“Everybody, get back!” the tour guide hissed, holding out his hands to shepherd his gaggle of tourists back towards the gate.
As the last of the group hurried out of the wrought-iron gate, I detached myself from the shadows beside it, from where I had watched the whole scene play out, just as the Grey Lady lowered her lantern and let out a throaty chuckle. She put the lantern down by her feet (where it sat quite steadily, about half an inch above the gravel), produced a ghostly cigarette from the folds of her robes, and lit it with a similarly spectral Zippo. She took a long pull on the cigarette, and breathed out a deep sigh of smoke.
I shoved my hands into my pockets and walked over. At the moment she spotted me, a strange set of emotions passed across her face, before settling into a blank, sardonic mask.
“Ang,” I said, by way of greeting.
“Drewford,” she replied, shortly.
“Keeping busy?” I asked, jerking my head back at the gate through which the tour group had departed. Ang grinned wryly.
“More or less,” she said.
“I don’t see what’s in it for you.”
“Just because my damnéd soul is doomed to wander the earth until the day of judgement, doesn’t mean I can’t have a little fun while I’m here,” she said.
I snorted. “Sure.” Then, the purpose of my visit burning in my mind, I dived right into the important stuff. “Ang, I need to ask you a couple of questions. Grim, I’m afraid. Another murder case.”
“For Pete’s sake, Drewford!” she exclaimed, making me jump, and jabbing in my direction with the cigarette. “How many times are we going to do this?”
I persisted. “I’m sorry, I know, I’m always asking questions. But this one’s important. Really important.”
Ang rolled her eyes. “Of course it is. Go on, then.”
“A girl, probably about sixteen. Saturday night. Strangled, we think. Just along the alley at the back of the graveyard. Did you see anything? Hear anything?”
She began to shake her head, and paused. “Hm. Saw a guy, lurking. Over yon.” She gestured with the cigarette, towards the alley gate, down the path opposite the one the tourists had used. “Blond hair. Skinny, like.”
“Did you get a close look at him?”
“I couldn’t give you address and postcode, if that’s what you’re after.”
“But would you know him, if you saw him again?”
She gave me a long, unreadable look, and blew out another stream of ethereal smoke. “Sure.”
My heart leapt. That, I could use. “Ang, you’re a star,” I said.
“Yeah, yeah.” She rolled her eyes. “And I’ve got the patience of a saint. Call me when you’ve something new to say.”
“Will do!” I said, attention already on the possibilities of this new scrap of evidence. I turned to head back the way I’d come, then paused. No harm in giving the alley another once-over, since I was here. I turned again, and hurried past Ang to the far gate.
The alley was, for the most part, utterly nondescript. Wrought iron fence for the graveyard on one side; big wheelie bins for the pizza place on the other. The bins were overfull, their lids not heavy enough to close on the piled black bags within. Chewing gum and dogends littered the floor, which was caked with dirt – no street cleaner bothered with this patch. A small scrap of police tape fluttered in the corner of my eye, caught on the wheels of one of the bins. I remembered this alley full of it – and full of police officers, hunting for evidence, photographing the body, redirecting the general public…
There was nothing new, though. That wasn’t entirely surprising. We’d swept the place pretty thoroughly – the path was only a couple of yards wide, after all. With a shrug, I dug my hands deeper into my coat pockets, and turned along to the end of the alley. No harm in dropping into the pizza place, as well. I didn’t think we’d tracked down all of the staff on shift that night – perhaps one or two of them would be in. And the manager was seriously dodgy, in my opinion; no harm in questioning him again.
Turning these thoughts over in my mind, I shuffled out of the alley mouth, turned left to step into the restaurant – and stopped.
In place of the gleaming window, there was a huge, miserable board of chipboard, and a notice – STILL OPEN AS USUAL. Some kid had been at it with the spray paint, and a big, black tag took up the lower left corner. And, below that, there was a single, bedraggled bunch of flowers, soaked and wilted, next to a small, battered picture frame. I crouched down beside it, peering at the face in the image. It seemed familiar…
…because it was my face.
I blinked in horror. I reached out to pick it up, but my fingers passed clean through the frame, and I snatched them back with a yelp. Images and sensations flashed through my head – a screech of tyres, a smash of glass, a blazing agony. Seized by a sudden panic, I leapt to my feet and fled, back along the alley, through the fence into the graveyard, heart pounding. What?
With distance, calmness returned. The panic receded as I came up the gravel path, and I slowed to a walk, and then a halt. As the panic faded, so did the images, until I could hardly recall the reason for my distress. I looked around, frowning in confusion. Graveyard. Why was I here, again?
The ghost, Ang, was perched on a gravestone at the top of the hill, still dragging on her spectral cigarette. At the sight of her, I recalled a sense of burning purpose, and strode up to her with a determined step.
“Ang!” I called.
“Drewford,” she drawled, greeting me with a long, bored stare.
“Ang, I need to ask you a couple of questions,” I said. “Grim, I’m afraid. Another murder case.”
.
.
1229 words. Written for Show Us Your Shorts Month, using May 1st prompt.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Caaaaadi!!
You're writing again! And writing about ghosts which is my favourite thing. You have a lot of reviews already so I'm just gonna ramble about a couple of things.
This so reminded me of the graveyards in Edinburgh and being led around them on ghost tours and things. And for a while I was getting this vibe of Ben Aaronovitch and his Rivers of London books that are police procedural meets supernatural and then you made it sad. How dare you. Poor Drewford. But I loved that double twist because as soon as I thought I had it pegged you just plucked that peg out and dropped me into something else.
I think someone else said this, but I think you waited a bit too long to introduce a perspective? I spent a few paragraphs trying to orientate myself from a character's perspective and there wasn't one. It made it a little hard to get into the story initially? And when I'd settled into the idea that maybe this was a narrator removed from the events of the story, Drewford appeared! If it were me I'd still introduce it how you have but just add Drewford's view point of the situation? Just because Drewford is very key to the story as it continues.
Also, feel free to ignore this, but I thought it might be interesting to carry on that cop/ghost procedural vibe more from the start. So you're in it for longer and then you get the bombshell at the end? I just really liked that, I think it's one genre but it's actually another genre, thing you have going here and I think you could put even more emphasis on that. Like have you seen Split? That has a cool genre switch.
I kinda hope you extend this? There's just something about it I really like! And I want you to break Drewford out of this cycle. And I wanna know about about Ang, I loved her just scaring people because *shrug* what else is there to do. Epic.
I love that you're back around. I missed yoooou! Can't wait to see more Cadi stuffs
Beeeeckeeew!
You're right, I reckon I can tweak the wording at the start a little just to make it clear it's 1st person.
I was totally thinking about the graveyard with Greyfriars Bobby when I was writing it, so you get some inspiration credit there for showing me around it.
The 3rd person/1st person confusion thing has come up with almost everyone who's read this, so I thiiiink maaaybe it might be an issue?
Also, yes! I should totally make it longer. It's really easy to get to about 1000-1500 words of a shiny idea, and then really easy to give up, but the original concept had a bit more...meat to it, and I ended up kinda rushing the ending a bit out of basically laziness. Never seen Split, but it's going on The List!
Totes missed you, too <3
Love the word choice. I had never heard or read the word bespectacled until I read this work or pure amazingness. What exactly does bespectacled mean though? Love how you set up the scene and the plot was really cool. Here's a suggestion, could you try introducing your characters with a little more detail? Give us something that will grab the reader's attention and help us get to know your characters. How are they dealing with this problem? And try giving us more information on the murder scenes to really get us hooked and guessing towards what will happen next. And possibly try using some more variety of words. Try finding words that you can use other than always saying the murder cases are "grim." Also love the choice of the word "bedraggled." That is another word I had never been introduced to until this story. I also love that the end has a major plot twist that ends in a great cliffhanger. You are a great writer and I hope to read some more of your work. Thanks.
Hey, Charlotte here for a review.
I must say the beginning of this didn't catch my interest until the second paragraph. Starting with the tour guide droning on about a ghost was a good idea to introduce the ghost but if you had started with 'A scream broke through the tour guides droning. It came from a small, wiry freckled boy at the front of the group. The tour guide sighed, this was the one who had been messing around and not paying attention' I think if this were the beginning it would make the story more interesting. Of course this is just opinion, it would draw the readers in more, but this is your story, I can't write it for you.
I want to know more about your main characters. Who is Drewford? Why is he ghost? Who was the girl he was investigating? Why could he see the Grey Lady? Who was the Grey Lady?
I was left asking a lot of questions about the characters and their personalities. I don't like to be left asking questions, so my suggestion is that you add more detail. Yes, sure, it's a short story but a bit more detail won't hurt. Once again this is just opinion based on my personal reading preferences, so don't feel you have to do what I say.
Anyway, despite what I have said, I did really enjoy this story. I found it gripping and interesting. Keep writing, but remember to add more detail. I will be looking for more of your writing.
Charlotte
Hey, so most of this is my opinion so feel free to ignore me.
I usually believe that starting a work with dialogue is a no-no but after seeing it so much I’m starting to loosen up about it. But it was kinda interesting learning about that graveyard.
I feel like introducing the story as first person at paragraph 8 was kinda weird. Until then I thought it was just a narrative or third person or you get it. Maybe, consider what the person was thinking while everything else was going on up until you use the word “I”.
The ghost lighting a cigarette was hilarious. It was also a nice twist to have the person able to see and talk to ghosts.
The story got really interesting by the time they bring up the murder.
The twist at the ending. I was seriously shocked!
Around the middle I thought you really had a good mystery here but then the end happened and I just got bummed out. But I will say that all around, story and composition, was great. I have to say that this was an amazing short.
Keep writing! You're Great.
- MNSTR
Thanks for the feedback! The narrative style change seems to be throwing a lot of people (and here I hadn't even noticed it, haha) so I guess I need to take a look at that, for sure!
Hi, J here for a review.
Wow PLOT TWIST, there was a small one when we found out Drewford was a ghost too but then it was son sad when he went back to the graveyard and forgot all over again.
I cant say anything bad about this short it was just AMAZING. I love the start were they were all like buddy cop solving a murder. I adore Ang she is so funny like imma just haunt tourists since I'm stuck here for ever.
Love everything about this story thank you so much for writing it!
Good Job and Keep Writing!!
OH MY GOSH. The end!!! Wow.
What a plot twist. I mean, first there was the bit where it turns out Drewford's dead and a ghost himself, Sixth Sense-style. But then it turned so sad when he made it back to the graveyard and forgot all over again. I especially loved this.
Because earlier we saw this precise conversation, and she had that line "how many times are we going to do this" and then "call me when you've something new to say," which at the time just sounded like a somewhat put-upon and sassy snitch or something but makes sooooooooo much sense once we get to the end of the story!
What a ride. Holy crap.
Honestly, I don't have any criticism for this. So I'm just going to keep talking about all the stuff I liked.
I was all over the start, where it seemed like it was going to be kind of a buddy-cop thing but with a ghost helping the cop solve a murder, which is AWESOME. I also like Ang and how she's like, Eh, might as well freak out tourists at a graveyard since I'm basically just stuck here forever.
And then two fabulous twists in a row.
This is fantastic.
I think literally my only problem was I kept wanting to pronounce Ang like "Aang" from AtLA, because Rules of English, even though I know it's meant to be Ange, like short for Angela.
Yaay, I'm so glad you liked it! (And you liked it enough for an all-caps wallpost about it, I'm six kinds of flattered <3). Totes know what you mean about pronouncing Ang, I had that the whole time too. Should have picked another name! Also I am so happy you liked the repetition, because that was the bit where I was trying to be clever
Hey, nit-picks first:
This is a little bit tell-y. Something about her face was twisted, grotesque, or something would be better.
This should be a new sentence. Also, I thought this was in omniscient perspective. Obviously it's fine to have it in first person but this would be less jarring if you introduced your speaker slightly earlier. Something like, "I could see a young lad who wasn't paying attention".
I think this would be a good subtle world-building moment where you could have her exclaim something that a human wouldn't say.
I've never heard the world "overfull" before, but willing to believe it's a word wherever you're from.
That's a bit repetitive. You only need one of those sentences.
Also a bit repetitive. Idk if chipboard works as a noun, but if so "miserable chipboard" would be fine.
You don't really need to reintroduce her. I remember who she is.
Overall:
Character: Your main character is done well, as is Ang. I get your protagonist's initial amusement with the crowd, then going through the motions, then panicked then, although I'm not quite clear on the ending and will talk about this in a sec, resigned? Ang also seems pretty cool.
Setting: You do very well at making this seem eerie and a bit mundane for someone who's around it so often.
Plot: I think this is very interesting as a world you've set up, and I think it was sensible to use the already existing figure of the Grim Reaper so that you didn't have to set up far too much. Unfortunately, I'm not really sure what happened at the end. What I think happened is that he discovered that he was the most recent murder, and was surprised that he went through the fence, then reports his own murder. The problem is that I already thought he was a ghost, because of how calm he was around Ang and how much he was involved in their world. I think this plot has good potential and the twist is unexpected, so I think it's worth trying to make that more clear.
Flow: This was generally very well paced and there were very few jarring sentences.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thanks for the feedback! Good spot about the "board of chipboard" - I changed it from MDF at the last moment and forgot to reread the sentence *facepalm*.
Ahaha fair enough xD
Great start! I like how this began with the bespectacled tour guide telling about the Grey Lady.
I hadn't expected this to be in the first person view at all.
Why is zippo capitalized?
Drewford's pretty cool to go up to a ghost-like lady so unafraid.
A detective gets help from a ghost lady on his cases? Now, that is an awesome premise.
She's (for lack of a better word) cool! She's so inconvenienced by Drewford's questions yet always manages to help him. Interesting!
I got a little confused at the end. So, Drewford saw an old photo of himself, and has short-term memory loss? What exactly happened at the end?
Zippo is a brand name!
Thanks for the feedback!