When the bell rang it woke me from my beautiful cloud of nothing. I stood and threw my bag over my shoulder. Sleepily I walked to the door but was stopped at the exit. “Janice,” Mr. Nelson said. “Can you stay after class?” I glanced up at him and nodded. I trudged back to his desk and took out an earbud, so I could hear him.
“Look,” he said. “I can’t keep pretending that you're passing my class.” I shrugged and took out my other earbud. I pushed back my hood and looked him in the eye, glaring almost. “I hate to fail out a student but it looks like you're on that path.” he said. Panic rose up my throat, but I choked it down and remained calm. Nodding I wasn’t really sure what to say. “But,” He began. “I know you can write a pretty amazing paper. So I want you to write me a paper on anything, poem, article, whatever you want. And if you get an A, I will give you a D to pass the class.” He explains, his jolly smile gone. Now his lips seemed to turn upside down, drooping. I nod and leave his class without a goodbye.
He wants me to write about what? He said anything. What does that even mean? Just as I turned the corner I ran right into Aaron. Aaron Harper. Of course. The one person I try at all cost to avoid. “Hey Janice,” He says and holds tightly onto my shoulders, holding me upright. “sorry about that.” He says and smiles. I roll my eyes and puff out a frustrated breath. “You should watch where you're going!” I say a little too irritated and look up at his tall figure.
Frowning, I walked slowly down the halls. One class after the other, I counted down the hours 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, finally the last bell rings and I run out to my friends. But my spot is filled.
“Who’s this?” I ask and look at the boy who had his mouth all over Emily.
“Some guy.” Jason replies from the driver’s seat. He shrugs and starts the car.
“But, I need a ride to the subway.” I state.
“Sorry Jan.” He answers.
“You know, you could always sit on my lap.” Greg laughs and the car begins to move. Kicking the wheel, I curse at them.
“Great.” I mutter and start walking.
He wasn’t always like this. I met him my sophomore year. He was back then, a senior. He seemed like the kind of guy that was secretive and mysterious. I remember when I first met him.
As I sat in Mrs. Harrs’ math class, I watched his skinny, tall figure walk into the classroom. Jason and Blake by his sides and Carol clenched to Blake’s arm. They walked right by me, heading to the back of the class. I remember I glanced back there in the middle of class to see his friends sleeping beside him, while he was taking notes. He had caught my eye and stared back at me for a few seconds. Hurriedly he had looked back to his paper and continued his notes. The next day we were given seating charts and Mrs. Harrs’ stuck me next to him. We talked a lot and he explained how each problem worked. He was smart. But then he started to skip class and smoking was a daily thing. His eyes were sunken in and he looked sickly pale. Halfway through the year he stopped. I remember he walked into class and sat next to me day by day, barely talking, he never held a real conversation with me since. By then, we were officially a couple. I didn’t want to break up with him; all I wanted to do was fix him. So after weeks of small conversations, that’s when he started with the drugs. They dug their way into his brain and alcohol sunk his heart.
When I finally get to the subway, I realize that my train just sped away and the next one doesn’t come for a while. So I sit down on the bench and wait, with a dreary look on my face.
“Is this spot taken?” Someone asks in a strong voice.
“No.” I state, not even glancing at the boy, hoping this was the end of the conversation.
“You look miserable, what happened?” He asks.
“I’m sorry did it look like I wanted to talk?” I wonder and finally look up at the person. At first I am taken aback when I see him.
His eyes looked the color of the ocean, green but still blue. His dark brown hair spiked up slightly and his bright smile shinned at me.
Color, such vibrant color. The kind of color that a camera always fails to capture. The kind of color that you could try your entire life to remember but over time just fades.
“Oh sorry, just thought you could use some company.” He responded.
“My friends ditched me, my idiot boyfriend keeps whining about sex and I’m stuck here for an hour waiting for the train.” I look up at him and he smirked.
“Sounds like some sucky friends and sucky boyfriend. What’s your name?” He answered.
“Janice.” I reply.
“So Janice, tell me about this idiot sex-deprived boyfriend.” He orders and gives me a crooked grin.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there! I'm here as part of Team Granger on this Review Day to review this for you!
So, first off, I notice that this is Part 3, but I think you accidentally put this part in the wrong folder. At the side of the page, I should be able to see links to your parts 1 and 2, but they're not there. You might want to move it into the right folder so that people will be able to find the other parts more easily.
So, I thought this was a good start. I like how you have more than just one conflict going on right off the bat - it grabs reader attention easily.
I also like that she actually does care about not failing the class, though it might be nice if you could hint at why she's failing it in the first place - does she not understand the material? Also, I feel like the teacher would have to at least give some criteria on what she writes - otherwise, how would he grade it? What would make it an A paper or a D paper?
I feel like your paragraph of backstory about Greg was a little bit too much - you have to be careful at the beginning of a story, because if you dump too much information on the reader at once, the reader will probably lose interest. At the very least, split up the paragraph so it doesn't look too long, and if you can, just shorten it to a few sentences.
One more thing you could do to round out this story a little bit is add more setting description - for example, the scene when the seat in the car was filled was a little bit confusing to me because I didn't even know how many seats the car had, or who exactly was in it. It was a similar situation with the scene at the train station - where are they sitting in relation to the trains? These details really help make your story come alive.
And that's all I've got for you! Good luck, and remember, it's levi-O-sa, not levio-SA!
Hello, here for a short review!
The title of this work caught my attention as, for some reason, I was thinking yin and yang or something like that. When I read the first line of the chapter, it just seemed a bit overused. The first line of anything can decide the whole story or novel or essay. It is like a hook for the reader that drags them into reading the whole thing. In other words, think outside the box when writing a beginning for your chapter.
Another thing I noticed, not just in your beginning, but throughout some parts of the chapter would be the indenting. In some cases, indenting would be a nifty thing like in essays, which provide a clearer reading. However, in your case, it just feels out of order. Like, it would look the same if you remove the indents.
Also, since this seems to be in the third part of the novel, but I don't see part one or two? As a suggestion, which is a clear one, perhaps write the first two parts (since it seems, those parts might provide some background info about the character).
When writing a certain character's thoughts, it maybe best to use italics. That way the reader can think that it is being thought, not doing.
You seem to shift from present to past quite quickly. You need a transition from time place to another. It makes it feel smoother and quicker; just like throwing rock. You wouldn't just aim carelessly, you would aim and then throw.
Overall, this whole idea of a girl (who is failing all of her classes and has a sex-deprived boyfriend) who meets a boy (who is perfect in everyway) sounds a bit cliche in my opinion yet that does seem like every teen fiction out there. Perhaps think outside the box when it comes to writing such things; give your own certain experiences when it comes down to speaking or disclosure. Put yourself in your character's shoes and think: how might I react in a certain situation like this one?
Steggy