In a land with many rivals there was one family that had a very lucky life they were known as the weijun family they had a big tie into the military in the Tang dynasty. Although they had a big religious idea and spent a lot of time meditating to clear their mind they still made a good living. “there son Zang had a very childish mind and had many how could I explain childish Ideas” they lived in the eastern part of china along the changjiang river but to far to worry about typhoons. One day a scribe from the emperor came to there house which was a good sized house that looked like 3 houses together with a small shack on the top. And when the scribe came he said that they were searching the land for a young architect and when Zang’s father heard those words he knew what he would have to let Zang leave there home and work with the emperor but he did not want to since Zang had lived his life at there home for the past 10 years and at that moment he said “we have no such architected here”
“Oh I think you do,And we need him”
“For what”
“that is confidential.”
But Zangs father knew the law then the scribe pushed his way past Zhang's father and asked “where is he!” he knew he was getting annoyed so he called Zang downstairs from the small room on the second floor of there house. And Zang came down and said “who are these people father”
And the scribe said “we are the emperor's troops and i am his scribe looking for a young boy to join us and I think you are the boy”
“yes”
the scribe then took Zang But as he left he said
“Don’t worry he is in good hands”
yet Zangs father thought that there was something strange about this so called scribe and thought what if he isn't a scribe what if he is a kidnapper but he eventually got over it.
Chapter 1
Zand had been taken by the mongols who started their conquest into china before the yuan dynasty when they were in charge. But Zang had been taken past the border of china and into the Mongols land and if china did go through the borders they would start a war. At this point back at Zangs families house his family was getting worried that something was wrong so Zangs father decided he would make a trip to someone that is part of the emperor's council. So at that moment he got his family's wagon which was an old human pulled wagon that Zang had made adjustments to so it could be pulled by a horse. Also he had been amazed at the invention of drought proof rice which had really changed what the rice growing and the amount of work it needed to be tended to that also led to probably people not getting paid enough. The problem with the wagon was that Zangs family did not have a horse to pull the cart. Bit there was a man that had a lot of horses down the path he went by the name of Yun and he would definetly would make him pay a tough price for a single horse. but this day he got very lucky because there was a boy selling a horse for 2 gold coins
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello there!
Before I start the review, I must ask this: do you have any idea if there's something behind the sudden appearance of several works of historical fiction set in China? Being Chinese, I keep an eye out for Asian literature, and I was rather suspicious about it all.
Going on:
Uh... the names are bothering me a little. You have the family name, "Wei-Jun," and an individual's name, "Zang," but I've never seen a Chinese last name with multiple characters. If anything, "Zang" should be the family name, and "Wei-Jun" should be one person's. (For example, my Chinese name is Ming Li-Qi, and my mother's is Lin Ying-Chen. The surname comes first, which might have been the cause for your confusion, if you are unfamiliar with the culture.)
This also reads oddly like a fairy tale. Given that you include chapters, I assume that is not the intention. As such, you will want to avoid actions that summarize an event, include more specific emotions and reactions, and as Inked wrote before me, details.
I hope this helps in your endeavors.
-Buggie
Interesting.
okay knitpicks:
Spelling!..For instance, there were a few words that were misspelled. Example of one...you wrote "there" several times, when it should have been "their".
This needs better paragraphing...it's very difficult to read in this format.
Definitely needs better punctuation...you hardly had any kind of punctuation in your sentences...this really needs to be proofread.
I'll write a longer review later, with some examples and also what I like about the story.. when I have my laptop.
Not too easy on a tablet
Otherwise, this has potential
Welcome to YWS, and peace out! ^.^
I agree with the punctuation comment, I believe that you could do with some imagery, and it doesn't hurt to put yourself in the story, feel the story. Make it come alive!
I saw Mongols and I was like, "MONGOLS, what? Cats on fire running rampant through the streets? What? "
I love the Mongols, this story has a lot of potential.