Published January 24, 2010
I sat there astonished that Cameron wasn't saying any thing. I gasped aloud, and said "So I'm right? You are my guardian angel?" My voice sounded loud in the quiet night, piercing it as if tiny needles were popping balloons.
When Cameron spoke, his voice was quiet, I had to strain to hear it. "Yes, Skylar, I am."
His seemingly bottomless midnight blue eyes were boring into mine. My heart felt like it was going to leap into my throat, I wanted to kiss him right there, but I knew that I couldn't.
After what seemed like forever, he spoke. "I wasn't supposed to do what just happened." I looked at him. After a moment I asked, "What's that?"
"I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you." He said. He leaned in, and our lips met.
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138,445 Literary Works • 672,121 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this is quite the scene to open out for. You almost end up taking a moment to wonder if this isn't a second part to something because it feels very much like we're continuing a scene that already started some time ago and using a pair of characters that we met quite a while ago instead of just moments ago. It certainly is the sort of thing that really drags you right into this preface here.
I'd say you've done quite a solid job of ensuring the reader's here get very much invested right away here. I love how this wastes pretty much just no extra words whatsoever but we have things getting essentially right to the point and immediately addressing the sort of thing that has you immediately want to know more as a reader.
I think it ends up being quite a nicely constructed scene. You let us know so little, but its just barely enough to get the background of who's who here and ramifications of the declaration being made and the declaration itself is really nicely done, so overall, you've got a pretty solid piece right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey BottomlessEyes
This is more of a comment than a critique, by the way. Any nit-picks or critiques have been covered by the other reviewers and you've edited it well.
I'm basically here to say how much I liked it! Even though it was short, it was a really strong preface. Short and sweet, I guess I could say.
Also, the whole I'm your guardian angel thing made me want to know more. It made me wonder if he was literally her guardian angel or not. Well done for that.
I really liked your description here. There was some very nice imagery
I haven't really got much else to say!
I really liked this, keep writing.
xoxo Skins
i loved it!!! cant wait to read the rest of the story!!!
i wish i could me my gaurdian angel!!!!
hahahahaha!!!!! (i hope he looks like N.M.)
I'm gonna review this in a pretty pink color!
Overall, I love this prologue. You're a good writer, and this is a powerful beginning to what I'm sure will be a great story. Maybe you want to go over some of those nitpicks I made. Or not, it's up to you, since you're the author. Great job!
Sincerely,
BeautifulDoom
I think this sentence would flow better if you said: "My voice sounded loud in the quiet night, piercing like tiney needles popping balloons."
Or something like that. The way it is now is confusing.
After done should be a comma. The comma after 'him' should be a period. "After a moment I asked, 'What's that?'" Should be its own paragraph.
I really like this. It's short, sweet, simple and to the point. Well done, I can't wait for more!
Classy