First off, I really like the premise of this poem/story. It's slightly hopeful, and the end paragraph (Stanza?); "until the first blackbird wakes you up and trills his first song" managed to evoke the feel of spring, not just the season, but also the metaphorical end of winter, the end of the feeling of missing something, the end of the long winter of the soul. I like how this manages to rejoice in spring while at the same time not admonish winter for existing. Also, the distinction between missing someone or something that's gone, something that you won't see again, versus missing something you know you'll see again. The moment where you describe only realizing that you've missed something when you see it again, is especially moving.Loved the part about filling in the feeling of missing something, trying to cope with it. Although the phrase of missing your 'splintered self'.... I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to say. Maybe try to clarify that a bit more? But otherwise, that paragraph (Again, is it stanza??) is great. Just the words "and train rides to Virginia" somehow manages to sum up the feeling of trying to cope with missing something, trying to cover it up, without any excess words, saying it without saying it. That's one of the things I really liked about this piece. It's so concise, which is the mark of being a very good wordsmith, eg, knowing when to stop. The wording is very well done, the format is great and lets the reader's eye move smoothly from line to line. If you want to make any changes, I'd say it's up to you, other than possibly clarifying a few phrases (The 'chinking the gaps in' might use a bit more work if you really feel the need), it's absolutely beautiful the way it is right now. All in all, fantastic work.
Hi Blue Africa!I'm Lupin, and I'm glad I get to review this poem for/analyse you. I really enjoyed reading it, I found the theme to be interesting and the techniques to be engaging. I love the idea of pointing out the difference between missing something when you're guaranteed to see the object in question, versus missing something (such as a deceased person) which you cannot see again. It makes it seem quite futile - but in a reassuring way? As if you're saying, there's no point in doing it, so you may as well get on with your life? In a way, it's quite empowering. Especially so from the line "you don't know the earth is sleeping". Another dimension I discovered was the theme of not missing what you had until it creeps up on you again - as does the blackbird when he wakes you up in spring.The only thing I've been struggling with is the idea of chinking mud and slush and snow into gaps - gaps of what? What does that mean? This is the only point of the poem that I've kind of lost grasp of what the theme is.I have to say thought that this is one of the more enjoyable poems I've read on this site for a while though. Aesthetically it's particularly amazing. Thank you,Lupin
Hello it’s Jaylin here to leave a quick review. First I want to say this was beautifully written and as a reader I could picture the details of the comparisons in my head. The flow is perfectly smoothed out with the perfect timings of hesitation. I love the message of this poem also. As people we do have the tendency to not appreciate things in the moment which makes us nostalgic for not taking advantage of our moments while they were here. Anyways I loved this so much and I’m interested and seeing your next steps. Xoxo, Jaylin
Hi Blue, I'm so glad I get to critique you! I love that the title of the poem is also sort of the opener, flowing right into the first line. There are tons of great lines here. "it's the way I missed all the splintered pieces of myself when I wore a wedding band" is so striking and reveals so much about the speaker's relationship with herself while she was married. "you don't realize things are missing you don't know the earth is sleeping" is my favorite line here. I think you should cut "and an ache in your breast" and leave the first stanza ending with the image of the memories of the ice cream. And maybe cut "I missed you" in the second stanza and leave it like "it's when you see her at Christmas that you know it's true" - it reads more concisely that way and less redundant from the first line. Visually I think the poem is really pleasing to the eye. I'd love to know the reason behind the formatting of the last few stanzas. Great poem, I think with a few tweaks here and there this is publishable. Thank you for sharing!-Dream
Hi, BlueAfrica! AnimalQueen here! I gotta say, this is really a good poem. I love that it's about nature, and I especially liked the line: "but the way you miss your mother when you live states apart"Personally, I think that having a loved one alive and knowing that you can't see them is much, much worse than having a dead loved one.Your poem shows that there's a lot in life as take for granted, all day, everyday. It's important that we try to appreciate things more. This poem is incredibly lyrical and beautiful. Thank you for writing it!
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