Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

E - Everyone

I miss the birds in winter

by BlueAfrica



Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 18
Reviews: 17

Donate
Fri Apr 20, 2018 1:51 pm
View Likes
Lupin wrote a review...



Hi Blue Africa!

I'm Lupin, and I'm glad I get to review this poem for/analyse you. I really enjoyed reading it, I found the theme to be interesting and the techniques to be engaging. I love the idea of pointing out the difference between missing something when you're guaranteed to see the object in question, versus missing something (such as a deceased person) which you cannot see again. It makes it seem quite futile - but in a reassuring way? As if you're saying, there's no point in doing it, so you may as well get on with your life? In a way, it's quite empowering. Especially so from the line "you don't know the earth is sleeping". Another dimension I discovered was the theme of not missing what you had until it creeps up on you again - as does the blackbird when he wakes you up in spring.

The only thing I've been struggling with is the idea of chinking mud and slush and snow into gaps - gaps of what? What does that mean? This is the only point of the poem that I've kind of lost grasp of what the theme is.

I have to say thought that this is one of the more enjoyable poems I've read on this site for a while though. Aesthetically it's particularly amazing.

Thank you,
Lupin :)




BlueAfrica says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked the poem!



User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 11
Reviews: 24

Donate
Tue Apr 17, 2018 11:49 am
View Likes
JaylinBoykins wrote a review...



Hello it’s Jaylin here to leave a quick review. First I want to say this was beautifully written and as a reader I could picture the details of the comparisons in my head. The flow is perfectly smoothed out with the perfect timings of hesitation. I love the message of this poem also. As people we do have the tendency to not appreciate things in the moment which makes us nostalgic for not taking advantage of our moments while they were here. Anyways I loved this so much and I’m interested and seeing your next steps. Xoxo, Jaylin




BlueAfrica says...


Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.



User avatar
190 Reviews


Points: 28
Reviews: 190

Donate
Sun Apr 15, 2018 6:31 pm
View Likes
Dreamworx95 wrote a review...



Hi Blue,

I'm so glad I get to critique you! I love that the title of the poem is also sort of the opener, flowing right into the first line. There are tons of great lines here.

"it's the way I missed all the splintered pieces of myself when I wore a wedding band" is so striking and reveals so much about the speaker's relationship with herself while she was married.

"you don't realize things are missing you don't know the earth is sleeping" is my favorite line here.

I think you should cut "and an ache in your breast" and leave the first stanza ending with the image of the memories of the ice cream.

And maybe cut "I missed you" in the second stanza and leave it like "it's when you see her at Christmas that you know it's true" - it reads more concisely that way and less redundant from the first line.

Visually I think the poem is really pleasing to the eye. I'd love to know the reason behind the formatting of the last few stanzas.

Great poem, I think with a few tweaks here and there this is publishable. Thank you for sharing!

-Dream




BlueAfrica says...


Thanks for the review!



User avatar
30 Reviews


Points: 63
Reviews: 30

Donate
Sun Apr 15, 2018 4:54 pm
View Likes
AnimalQueen wrote a review...



Hi, BlueAfrica! AnimalQueen here! I gotta say, this is really a good poem. I love that it's about nature, and I especially liked the line:

"but the way you miss your mother when you live states apart"

Personally, I think that having a loved one alive and knowing that you can't see them is much, much worse than having a dead loved one.

Your poem shows that there's a lot in life as take for granted, all day, everyday. It's important that we try to appreciate things more. This poem is incredibly lyrical and beautiful. Thank you for writing it!





A Prince of Darkness Is a Gentleman
— William Shakespeare