Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this sounds like a really cool little plot summary for a story but that's about it. As a short story this would be far too rushed and just a little off but if it was a summary for something bigger it sounds like an awesome idea. I don't think I really find too much wrong down there mostly 'cause its hard to tell what type of work this was meant to be...a plot summary or a proper story.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once there was a girl called betty. She live alone in a big apartment. Betty was 21,She worked as a shop keeper for a mysterious old lady who was 216 years old. Betty's friends think that she is crazy and weird because Betty is the only person, who seems to see the old lady.

Oooh now that sounds like a really interesting premise...and yes that is good and bad. It's good 'cause it sounds pretty cool but then you do have the issue that as a start to a chapter this is not what you want. It sounds a little too much like a synopsis.

If Betty’s friends come to visit her in the shop, they always find her talking to herself. For betty it seems that she is talking to the lady, but to her friends it seems that she is talking to herself..........

Well that should lead to some pretty interesting moments.

After a long time at work, betty goes home to have a little nap. So one night betty has some college work to do, so she forgot her pencil case upstairs, she went up, opened her door and she saw the old lady sitting on her bed.' what are you doing here? asked betty. The old lady said nothing, she just looked at betty and turned away.

Ohhh...well that was sudden...feels a touch too rushed but not a bad premise. It definitely gets you pretty excited to see why this would happen.

Betty was sick of the old lady appearing all the time to her, so she quit her job, but before she left the shop, the old lady attacked her on the behind, she started to straggle betty so hard that she couldn’t breath. Betty quickly kick her in her stomach, but the old lady bit her on her arm, and betty suddenly called the police. When the police came the only thing they saw was betty punching her arm in the air, but nothing else.

Oh dear, now I think I'm starting to suspect that this ghost (I'm assuming the old lady is meant to be a ghost and Betty can somehow see ghosts) is some kind of old inhabitant maybe by how she's now attacking Betty. So much to think about form what you've created here.

Someone called the ambulance. Every one thought that betty was insane(out of her mind),but she wasn’t, they were. Betty stayed in the hospital for a week, but still the doctor can’t figure out what’s wrong with her. Betty finally got out of hospital, she decided to go stay at her moms, but she got a mail saying that her mom has disappeared. Betty couldn’t think why the old lady is taking everything that she likes away from her.

Aww...this is now getting pretty sad. And its starting to sound like a summary like you'd find on wikipedia. The ideas here are amazing and I think all you would need to do is to actually write this out and flesh the whole thing out. At the moment it doesn't really feel like a story, story but like a summary of something that could be a proper novel.

Betty got her friends back, it turn out that betty’s friends were under a spell. Betty found her mum, the wicked witch kept her in a mirror for over 20 years, but remember that betty’s powers are stronger than the old ladies powers.

Okay that's a happy ending there, I definitely love it.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall it's a cool idea that seems like it was severely limited by the way that it was written. You've definitely got some awesome ideas here and I know that you will never see this but I hope that this story one day became a proper novel because it deserves to be one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Well, I can say this for sure: You're a budding writer. There were grammar and spelling mistakes all over this piece, but that's okay: get the story idea out of your mind first so you can edit it later.
If you really meant this for a real story, then some major changes must be made, but it'll do for an outline for your project.
For example, when writing dialogue (the character's talking) you need to put it in a new paragraph, like this.
"Where is she?" I screamed.
"In the engine room!" He replied.
See?
Also, you need to work on your verb tenses. That means you need them to be either past, present or future.

After a long time at work, betty goes home to have a little nap. So one night betty has some college work to do, so she forgot her pencil case upstairs, she went up, opened her door and she saw the old lady sitting on her bed.

In these two sentences, you have the verbs goes, has, forgot, went, opened and sitting. They really don't match up, since 'opened' is past tense meaning 'she has already opened the door' while 'sitting' is present tense meaning 'she is sitting'
Hope I helped!
Keep writing!