Page 1
Mandy was so exited, because when she got
home it would be a few minutes till she got
ready for Halloween. When it was the end of
school , Mandy ran right to the door and bashed
her school things onto her Mum.
“Are you ok? “Asked mum.
“Oh I've never felt better . Replied Mandy still
Jumping up and down.
“Do you still want to go to that party and go trick
Or treating? Because I heard there are actual witches
at the party and vampires so maybe it’s not a.. Good idea to
You know go?” looking at Mandy seriously.
Page 2
“Mum your way out your mind no witches are
Going to attack me. Mum were nearly the last ones at this school lets go hoot and scoot off
Home! When at home Mandy’s Mum had already put up decorations for Halloween.
“Get dressed the party starts at 6oclock and it’s
Half past five com’on your witches costume is
Lying on your bed making spells. “ So after a while Mandy was finished and looked like
A real witch that she scared her Mum.
Page 3
“W ow you don’t look half bad” Said her Mum.
“Ha i told you it was a good idea and look at me
Now. “ Shouted Mandy. Anyway Mandy went
To the party but when her mum dropped her off
At the gates, and she walked in, everybody was
Gone.
Maybe I’m early then she heard a noise coming from
The closet. ”
“Hello anybody here?
Suddenly a witch jumped down and turned her
Into a dancing frog then an skinny elephant then a cow with no ears and finally
Back to her normal self then more horrible horrid happy creatures came and did
ho rrible stuff .
Page 4
At the end of the Party (well what Mandy’s mum thought was a party) she went to pick
Up Mandy. But the same thing happened she
Did find Mandy but all she found was Mandy’s
Dead body.
“AHHHHHHHH. Screamed Mandy’s mum
My little baby girl is dead !!!!!!!!!! Suddenly a witch jumped down and turned her
Into a dancing frog then an skinny elephant then a cow with no ears and finally
Back to her normal self then more horrible horrid happy creatures came and did
ho rrible stuff .
The final page 5
Now all we can see and all the creatures can
See is two dead body’s one from a woman and
One from a little girl. Now that story teaches
You a lesson to always listen to what your
Parents say or the bad luck will puff hit you in
Face.
THE END
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this one seems like a story that doesn't quite know what to do with itself. On one hand its pretty funny, one another hand it seems like a cautionary tale of some kind and on yet another hand its seems like a traditional horror story. I think you need to streamline some of these bits and try to settle on one type of thing. And I notice the pacing was a little rushed but more on that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh what a start. This is somehow strangely to this month although it was written a whopping 11 years ago. The start is okay....its a little sudden and kind of rushed but it does at least get your attention pretty well and that's always a good thing as far as I can tell.
Well that got interesting. If you ignore the messed up formatting which is think is probably not you're fault but just the site messing with it once it was copied in, the conversation is decent...I mean there is a lack of the usual small talk that you expect to see between mother and daughter which is strange but the party talk seems realistic enough.
Uhh...that part got a bit chaotic. I think its mostly the fact that there are no paragraphs broken because pacing wise its honestly not that bad. If you just broke those up and put them as a scene change or something along those lines it would work out pretty decently. The last line is the only thing I would really think requires a full changeup.
Okay that last remark by Mandy felt like it was maybe just a bit too rude towards her mother. Otherwise I think that line above is a pretty good way to create a nice bit of tension and excitement for this sudden surprise.
Well that definitely came straight out of nowhere. Maybe a little too rushed that. You might want to tone that one down a couple of notches or it feels very rushed and we don't get any kind of proper horror from it...it's almost funny which might be what you wanted but then as a funny story this one isn't quite insane enough to be that kind of funny horror if you get what I mean. I would expect crazier things if it was purely for laughs.
Well um...I guess that does get conveyed through this. A valuable message certainly...and I guess that way you do get more humor out of it so yeah not a bad ending at all.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall it was a pretty fun story to read and it did certainly have a recognizable plot and a proper structure so at least that was nice to see. And I think that's about all I have to say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
There were a lot of things wrong with this story. Punctuation wasn't used correctly, the structure was very off, the plot line was messy, and there were a lot of terms that just didn't exactly sound right.
It wasn't the worst thing I ever read. But it (and your writing) could use some work.
Thanks.
-Ellie
A little morbid and a little basic to say the least- i read the other one of yours, the thriller "dont turn on the light" - also a little morbid, but much better, and it even has a twist at the end... this is just a bit morose.........