z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Suicide Boy

by Blackwood


Suicide Boy

My entry for the no e challenge of the hunger games (Title is allowed e's)

It is said that if you chant a particular group of words again and again, a young boy will show up and kill you.

It is said that this boy has no origin, no family, no alias. Not a symbol, not a sign, not a thing to justify that his visit occurs at all.

All you must do it chant that group of words. Just chant; ‘This is it. This is it. This is it. This is it.’

. . .

It’s a ton of crap. An outright load of bull. I do admit it’s hilarious that I thought it could actually work. But taking into account all this uproar Conspiracy Radio was whining about this morning, I had to think that it just was promising. It’s not as if I think a horror story such as that is truthful. But I thought it might amount in fun; I was margining on insanity as it was...

But now... now it is a task I must do by my own hand. I can’t put it off. I can’t uphold this procrastination.

This. Is. It.

. . .

I am sixty-four; which is to say that I did sixty four round orbits of our sun. A portion of humans may still call this young; but I am old. Too old.

I ain’t got much going. I’m in a job, high-ish position, but no family or companion. I’m on my own and I’m on my final stand. What point could carry an old man any way along than this? Born, only to finally vanish again. Why wait? Why not now?

I am old. I am worn. I am not going to hold my hat for tomorrows trip. I am at my conclusion.

This. Is. It.

. . .

It’s a long drop down. I am sitting on a rim of a tall facility building. I am hanging across this building’s brink, anticipating dropping it all. All things I am, all things I was, all things I did, and all things I had. This. is. it.

~Briiiinggg~ Vibration runs through my thigh.

I sigh. I should turn that off at such an important occasion. I should carry this out in quality, who knows, it may show up on TV tonight.

Uhh... why am I doing this? Why didn’t I simply blow my brains out...? I pluck my ringing companion from his hollow and flip it on to call. I moan; a work ID. This is why I’m goddamn jumping!

I’m hating my job. I’d go as far to say I am loathing it. At first I thought it fun; working with authors caught in a million dollar fad of constructing dramatic word art without using a particular Latin symbol. Oh how I was wrong!

“Okay, okay, I’ll sort it out on Thursday. I’m busy Wilson!” I blurt at my contact. Without a thought I snap shut that call and hurl. It spins forward fairly far until gravity grabs it and pulls it away. I watch it tumbling. Spiralling. Hurtling. It hits hard, smashing against a cold tar road.

. . .

I’m coming down. It’s my turn! Ground is waiting! This is it!

Or possibly not just instantly right now. Just a tick.

I tilt my position and shift slightly. To my right sits my only thing I had fun with in all of my boring sixty-odd span of living. It was a viola that was a gift from grandma on my fourth birthday. I wasn’t particularly good at it, but I had had fun. It was fun. I think I’ll go down with it; both of us in unison; just how it always should.

Crap crap crap crap! No!!! My viola slips down my lap. I go to swing for it but hold back. I almost forgot that big fall.

Dropping slowly, gasping, pain pangs in my lungs as I watch it go. Falling, falling falling. Spinning in slow motion, as my only joy snaps it’s throat at impact.

Though sound physically can’t fly atop a building this tall, a symphony of cracking runs through my body as I watch it’s wood snap into thousands of shards. No....my baby... that old thing was worth a lot!

I’m going now! It’s my turn! Now! Now! Splints and scraps of wood crawl across my vision. It’s ugly. It’s an ugly way to go. Soon that’s my body. That crack is my marrow, that casualty is my blood.

. . .

My old grandmas grin floats across my mind. Ah... grandma, so long ago but still in my mind. A woman who always said not to abandon your post. A woman who always had tips about our world and fantastic ways to triumph it.

I’m an old man in a mid-crisis but I still miss you grandma. I miss your words, I miss that scary story about that boy you always told at night! I can’t do this. I won’t kill my own body today. I will fight on! For you, grandma.

I stood up, proud. I will not jump today.

“Old-man.” A young sounding individual... What point would this roof hold for...

I turn around. It’s a boy. A young boy with no adults, no origin, no alias.

“I got your call.” That boy grins, shoving firmly. I fall. Backwards. I fall. It will look as if I did it. It will look as if it was a jump. But it wasn’t.... No proof that that boy was around. No sign of anything. As I fall I watch that boy vanish along with all things in this world.

This is it....


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Sat Aug 02, 2014 7:46 pm
Caitlyn wrote a review...



I have to say that I really like the concept of it. And from the very beginning, I was wondering if that boy was going to just pop up in the story.
But, now for the nitpicking.
"Without a thought I snap shut that call and hurl." At first, I though you literally meant hurl. Like, puke. I had to reread that sentence a couple of times for me to get that he was throwing the cell phone.
"Spinning in slow motion, as my only joy snaps it's throat on impact." Are you saying that it's still spinning on the ground? Try "Spinning in slow motion, my only joy falls through the air until it snaps its throat on impact." It shouldn't be "it's", since that is saying 'it is.'
"My old grandmas grin floats across my mind." It should be "grandma's."
For the rest of that paragraph, you never capitalize 'grandma'. You should because you calling her that my name. You aren't saying, 'my grandma', you're saying 'grandma.'
And, last thing.
"Old-man." Change that so it just says "Old man." Get rid of the dash.

And, while reading it, I am happy to say that I spotted NO e's. Congrats!

All in all, good job!




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Sun Jun 08, 2014 2:23 am
IDontKnowMaybeSo wrote a review...



First off, I have to "say" that was brilliant. Putting "This is it" at the end was a great idea. (Also, incorporating it in a way that applied to his every day life... :) ) It connected the reader back to the beginning of the story and showed suspense. "I got your call," nice touch. Yes, there were a few errors relating to things such as punctuation, but others have corrected you on this so... I'll leave you be. My biggest problem was with some of the wording. "I won't kill my own body today." Hmm.. sounds a bit odd. However, he might be one to say thing like this, but because this is a short story, the reader hasn't been able to see that in the man's character. Switching from "it's" to "that" near the end doesn't quite work either. You have to stay consistent. (I'm not going to dwell on this) Also, "A young boy with no adults, no origin, no alias." My question is: How does the man know the boy has know he has no origin? Yes, he's heard the stories, but merely looking at someone cannot reveal such information.

Thanks for writing this! It was quite nice to read. You certainly have potential as a writer, just keeping working at it.




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Sat Jun 07, 2014 3:11 pm
fallenoutofgrace wrote a review...



Alright first impression best creepy pasta story ever. Second impression you did and amazing job; the challenge with no e's sounded like a challenge but you made this challenge be like child's play to you. I enjoyed the emotion you had with the man about to jump and watched everything break to shards below him thinking that will be me. Your details were brilliant and sent shivers down my spine and I loved how the man kept saying this is it; yet when he decides no he will not jump then the young boy appears. I enjoyed the young boy because your detail with him made it seem like he was the monster we should never summon. Your ending of this is it.... was perfect, you didn't need to say anything else but that.


Now for a short story you don't need to know a person's name but information is needed, to add the details that is lacking in some places.

Just a few thing's to change:

"My old grandmas grin floats across my mind." grandmas should be grandma's

try not to use the ... if anything for the, this is it try a different font it will give the same effect as to pay attention with out the redundancy of the ... through everything.

Other than that you did an amazing job.




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Fri Jun 06, 2014 3:07 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello, my darling~

I am sixty-four; which is to say that I did sixty four round orbits of our sun. A portion of humans may still call this young; but I am old.


Commas work better than semicolons. Replace them.

I should carry this out in quality, who knows, it may show up on TV tonight.


The comma after quality should be a semicolon.

I think I’ll go down with it; both of us in unison; just how it always should.


Replace the second semicolon with a comma.

Spinning in slow motion, as my only joy snaps it’s throat at impact.


Its*

as I watch it’s wood snap


Its*

No....my baby...


Ellipses only require three dots (...). Also, be stingy with them. Using them too often loses the effect.

My old grandmas grin floats across my mind.


Grandma's*

but I still miss you grandma


Comma after you.

“Old-man.”


Old man*

A young sounding individual...


Youth-sounding*

What point would this roof hold for...


This is random and doesn't relate to the sentence before it. You know those tests where they would give you a multiple choice of what didn't belong? I feel like this is that. I'd cut this out.

A young boy with no adults, no origin, no alias.


I'm gonna get technical on you. You don't really need this. It does nothing for the reader. You wouldn't be able to tell that by looking at someone anyways, so cut it out.

“I got your call.” That boy grins,


"I got your call," the boy grins* This explains why.

shoving firmly.


This is the climax. This is where everything goes wrong, because the man wants to live and the boy kills him. Because it's the climax, it needs to be done dramatically. Talk about the sudden movements the boy made. Was he faster than an average human? Did the man see it coming? Did he have any time to cry out or scream or even blink before he was falling? Details help us envision the scene.


Okay, lovely. These are my thoughts:

1. You use ellipses too much. Cut some out. Like I said, use them sparingly; otherwise, your story looks like a melodramatic teenage girl wrote it.

2. Also, like I said before, one of the most important factors to a story is details. Not just sensory details but informational details.
- First, his name. I can think of many guy names that don't have an e in it, so you would've done more good than harm with giving him a name. Max, Sam, Harold, etc
- Second, why does his job make him want to kill himself? Why doesn't he just quit?
- Third, I highly doubt that only a bad job will make people kill themselves. There's gotta be more to this. Maybe he's all alone or depressed or upset, etc.
- Just elaborate more on things. Like the boy. Any significance to his looks? What does his age range seem to be? Describe the drop. How tall is he? How does the sight make him feel? Is he scared?

3. I like the tale of the boy. The story was overall very good. I like that you lead us through his life, showing us how sparingly he used the "this is it" without realizing it. Instead of it being said in a row at once, you made it to where it could also be spread out and I love that. You tricked the readers! Be proud of that~


I applaud you for your brilliance for managing to not use e throughout this. You're awesome and a wonderful writer. I enjoyed this very much! Thank you for sharing it. :) I hope my review helps.

~Iggy




Blackwood says...


Silly iggy you can't correct my sentance to have an e in it. But thank you.



Blackwood says...


Silly iggy you can't correct my sentance to have an e in it. But thank you.



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Thu Jun 05, 2014 10:54 pm
Cole says...



Does the title count? :P




Blackwood says...


Do you read?


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Cole says...


Oops. Must have missed that little bit up there. xD



Blackwood says...


:P



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Thu Jun 05, 2014 10:40 pm
Lee0z says...



Wow... That is impressive!




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Thu Jun 05, 2014 10:07 pm
wtppowers says...



Not a single e.
I'd commit suicide if I had to do this.




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Thu Jun 05, 2014 8:10 pm
smile says...



very good, i love it :D




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Thu Jun 05, 2014 7:46 pm
GreenLight24 says...



Woah. This is so cool. I'm impressed. Nice job. :D




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Thu Jun 05, 2014 7:43 pm
OliveDreams says...



*slow claps*




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Thu Jun 05, 2014 7:34 pm
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Carina says...



Just so ya know, I died a lil inside when you wrote that viola death scene...




Blackwood says...


I was thinking of you when I wrote it.



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Thu Jun 05, 2014 2:06 pm
ExOmelas says...



Oh my god I am so happy for you! You did amazing! Quick thing - you say about his viola 'it's'. It should say 'its'.

Also about his crisis, I'd go for 'I'm an old man mid crisis'.

That is all.





Who knows anything about anyone, let alone themselves.
— Hank Green