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​How to perform a supernatural exorcism.

by Blackwood


How to perform a sexy supernatural exorcism.

Below you will find a set of instructions on how to perform a super sexy exorcism. This is designed to work on ghosts, ghouls, shadows, skeletons, cats, boogeymen and other unfriendlies that you might find haunting your house or possessing your babies.

By the end of this exorcism you will not only be freed* of your paranormal troubles but you will also hopefully emerge with a fresh smelling house and a new buddy.

The exorcism can be performed using common household objects for your convenience.

What you need:

  • Five heavy books, hardcovers are best.
  • A towel, preferably one that you don't like, but it needs to be clean.
  • Some salami, sausage style. If you don't have that then sliced will have to suffice. If you don't have that either then try any variety of cheese, cut carefully into circles.
  • Some of that sprayer air-freshener.
  • A big knife and a small knife. Or instead just take a medium knife, kitchen variety.
  • Mustard-- Very important. The hotness will be dependent on the ghost variety as some are more effective than others on different types of ghosts. However in general any will do.
  • A pillow and a loaf of bread. These will break your fall.
  • A decent novel that you have some form of emotional attachment to.
  • (optional) An object that the 'nasty' has had some connection to.

Once you have collected these things you must proceed to follow these instructions carefully.

Part one: The set up.

Step one:

Find an open space on your floor. You may need to move some chairs or furniture. To test to see if your space is large enough you should be able to outstretch your arms and spin in circles.

~

Step two:

Stack the five big books. Three on top of one another and two on the side. Take the towel and drape it over the top so you have something that looks like an altar.

~

Step three:

Take the pillow and place it in front of the altar. Kneel on it.

Take the loaf of bread and place it on your lap.

~

Step four:

Take the air freshener and vigorously spray it directly on the (optional)object of interest until it is thoroughly coated and shiny. Give the air around you a quick dosage then wait until the mist has passed and its safe to breath again.

_________________

Part two: The ritual.

Step one:

Take a firm hold of the knife. Open your pot of mustard and dump a large blob of it onto the towel. Take the knife and spread it slowly into a fist sized circle. Then use the knife to draw a pentagram in the surface of the mustard.

~

Step two:

Open your novel to a random page. Destiny and fate will correctly guide you to the right page. Starting from the top of the right hand page recite the first five lines in a deep and low chanting manner.

~

Step three:

Take the salami and slam it on the mustard patch.

(You may or may not hear a low rumbling noise at this point)

~

Step four:

In order to brace yourself take the bread and rip it into two halves, holding it tightly.

~

Step five:

If/when the coast seems clear then place the bread on the alter. Use the knife to lift the mustard and put it on the bread. Lay the salami into the bread and reseal the bread by closing the two halves together.

~

Step six:

Take the assembled bread and salami construction and place it either in the place where the ghoul is most active, or leave it on the altar. Put the knives in the dishwasher or if you don't have one, hide them under your mattress.

~

Step seven.

Go to sleep.

______________________

Part three: The aftermath.

In the morning there are two possibilities.

Either the sandwich is still there. If this is true then the problem is solved. You scared away the ghost and he left to go bother someone else. Eat the sandwich and enjoy it.

(warning: there is a rare chance that your culinary skills may have angered the creepy. If the sandwich remains untouched but the rest of your house is destroyed, on fire, or making wailing noises, then run for you life.)

__________________________________

Second possibility is the sandwich is gone.

Good news is the ghost has accepted your offering. Bad news is you have a ghost.

Either he likes you now because you made him a sandwich. Or the sandwich killed him and you are free.

Enjoy your new friend, fresh smelling house and cleaning up the mess you made.

*permanently or temporarily is questionable as is the duration....


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Sun Aug 03, 2014 7:03 pm
AdmiralKat says...



I tried this and the sandwich was gone, so was the house......




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Thu Jan 30, 2014 1:57 am
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Astronaut says...



Sam and Dean should read this, they've been doing it all wrong.




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 10:55 am
umaima says...



Lol, this is hilarious. Now I know what you meant be 100% silly!




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Wed Jul 31, 2013 1:42 pm
deleted17 wrote a review...



I watch all of these paranormal shows but this-but this- I don't know what to make of it. Out of curiosity, does that work? Most likely not, but still....

Any way, I thought that this was funny, (It was in humor) and well crafted. I liked it. I laughed when I was supposed to but halfway through I suspected that we were making a sandwich, which only made it funnier. I kinda expected that you were going to steal it and that this was some sort of swindle. Which would've made it funnier.

Hilarious

With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader




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Wed Jul 31, 2013 2:05 am
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StoryWeaver13 says...



I have followed these procedures, tediously ensuring that each process was done with complete accuracy (I even drove to the store to buy quality salami and the spiciest mustard that could be found), only to find the entire process horribly unsuccessful. I awoke in the morning to find that my house was as I had left it, with the exception of one ghost sitting all-too-contentedly at my kitchen table. I was mortified.

He says his name is Tim and he intends to stay in the house eating my sandwiches, and if I do not comply he will return to mucking about and throwing things around. He really is irritable when hungry.

Despite his faults I'm admittedly rather fond of him, but now the sandwiches are luring ghost-ants into the house, which is disgusting. You can't even squish the stupid things. And now Tim's gone out and bought a zombie dog who barks late into the night and occasionally zombifies the neighbors' cats when they're bitten. I was quite disappointed to find that these future issues were not covered, and although this guide is in fact quite sexy, I would also say that it leaves much to be desired.

Altogether, I would give it 4 stars out of 5. My house is purged of its more demonic entities, but this guide fails to acknowledge the overlooked dilemmas of sandwich stains and lazy/demanding ethereal beings.




Blackwood says...


Didn't I tell you about the new buddy?



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Mon Jul 29, 2013 7:03 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm here for a quick grammar shred, and just to tell you that I enjoyed this and had a good laugh :)

Let's go:

This is designed to work oh ghosts

oh - on.

By the end of this exorcise you will not only be freed*

exercise or exorcism, not exorcise.

Some of that sprayer air-freshener.

Sprayer is too vague. Try an aerosol of air-freshener.

A pillow and a loaf of bread. These will break your fall.

Don't lie! You don't mention any of that later! That's just confusing.

Once you have collected these things

Things is again too vague, try artifacts, objects...

you should be able to outstretch your arms and spin in circles.

outstretch - stretch out.

Three on top of one another and two on the side. Take the towel and drape it over the top so you have something that looks like an alter.

One on either side. Altar, not alter. Alter the alter to an altar throughout the piece, as it occurs numerous times.

Take the loaf of break and place it on your lap.

break - bread.

wait until the mist has passed and its safe to breath again.

breath - breathe.

Destiny and fate will correctly guide you to the right page.

correctly = right. Delete correctly.

recite the first five lines in a deep and low chanting manner.

Low to some extent is the same as deep. Replace one with something more interesting, like ghoulish.

place the bread on the alter. use the knife to life the mustard and put it on the bread.

Use the knife to LIFT the mustard. (Use with a capital!)

if you dont have one,hide them under your mattress.

Space around the comma, apostrophe at don't.

Either he likes you now because you made him a sandwich. or the sandwich killed him and you are free.

Full stop -> comma.

Okay, I think I got most of them. As for the rest, I really enjoyed this and find it most comical :)

Good job!

barefootrunner




Blackwood says...


In reply to both reviews, they're all those annoying types of errors that the red ziggy lines don't pick up. XD



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Mon Jul 29, 2013 11:06 am
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Good Morning little Nemesis! I am here for a purely payback type visit – something, I might add, that you have asked for. I was surprised to see the words 'supernatural exorcism' on this piece. I really thought you were the candy floss and fairies type!

I will review as I read just to drag it out a little longer :)

“This is designed to work oh ghosts, ghouls, shadows, skeletons, cats, boogeymen and other unfriendlies that you might find haunting your house or possessing your babies.” - You've misspelled 'on'. You've written 'oh' OH dear!

“The exorcism can be performed using common household objects for your convince.” - I don't understand where the word convince fits in here – I may be being stupid but I doubt that.

“If you don't have that then sliced will have to suffice.” - You need to place a comma after 'that'.

If you don't have that either then try any variety of cheese, cut carefully into circles. - Look at you forgetting those commas again! You need one after 'either'.

A pillow and a loaf of bread. These will break your fall. - Damn you for making me laugh. Damn you.

“Take the loaf of break and place it on your lap.” - I will buy a spellcheck for christmas! Loaf of BREAD.

“Take the air freshener and vigorously spray it directly on the (optional)object of interest until it is thoroughly coated and shiny. Give the air around you a quick dosage then wait until the mist has passed and its safe to breath again.” - What if you didn't choose to go with the (optional) object? WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE AIR FRESHENER NOW!?

“Enjoy your new friend, fresh house and cleaning up the mess you made.” - Yes, this made me laugh too.

Overall – I think you need to brush up on your spelling skills and you're use of commas! I know you're going to say that a comma doesn't need to be there but I want one there so I shall have it.

I do, however annoying it is for me to admit, think that its very amusing and I enjoyed reading it. I will come back and delete this sentence later!!!!

Olive <3





"Cowards die many times before their deaths; but the valiant will never taste of death but once."
— Julius Caesar