How to perform a
sexy supernatural exorcism.
Below you will find a set of instructions on how to perform a super sexy exorcism. This is designed to work on ghosts, ghouls, shadows, skeletons, cats, boogeymen and other unfriendlies that you might find haunting your house or possessing your babies.
By the end of this exorcism you will not only be freed* of your paranormal troubles but you will also hopefully emerge with a fresh smelling house and a new buddy.
The exorcism can be performed using common household objects for your convenience.
What you need:
Once you have collected these things you must proceed to follow these instructions carefully.
Part one: The set up.
Find an open space on your floor. You may need to move some chairs or furniture. To test to see if your space is large enough you should be able to outstretch your arms and spin in circles.
Stack the five big books. Three on top of one another and two on the side. Take the towel and drape it over the top so you have something that looks like an altar.
Take the pillow and place it in front of the altar. Kneel on it.
Take the loaf of bread and place it on your lap.
Take the air freshener and vigorously spray it directly on the (optional)object of interest until it is thoroughly coated and shiny. Give the air around you a quick dosage then wait until the mist has passed and its safe to breath again.
Part two: The ritual.
Take a firm hold of the knife. Open your pot of mustard and dump a large blob of it onto the towel. Take the knife and spread it slowly into a fist sized circle. Then use the knife to draw a pentagram in the surface of the mustard.
Open your novel to a random page. Destiny and fate will correctly guide you to the right page. Starting from the top of the right hand page recite the first five lines in a deep and low chanting manner.
Take the salami and slam it on the mustard patch.
(You may or may not hear a low rumbling noise at this point)
In order to brace yourself take the bread and rip it into two halves, holding it tightly.
If/when the coast seems clear then place the bread on the alter. Use the knife to lift the mustard and put it on the bread. Lay the salami into the bread and reseal the bread by closing the two halves together.
Take the assembled bread and salami construction and place it either in the place where the ghoul is most active, or leave it on the altar. Put the knives in the dishwasher or if you don't have one, hide them under your mattress.
Go to sleep.
Part three: The aftermath.
In the morning there are two possibilities.
Either the sandwich is still there. If this is true then the problem is solved. You scared away the ghost and he left to go bother someone else. Eat the sandwich and enjoy it.
(warning: there is a rare chance that your culinary skills may have angered the creepy. If the sandwich remains untouched but the rest of your house is destroyed, on fire, or making wailing noises, then run for you life.)
Second possibility is the sandwich is gone.
Good news is the ghost has accepted your offering. Bad news is you have a ghost.
Either he likes you now because you made him a sandwich. Or the sandwich killed him and you are free.
Enjoy your new friend, fresh smelling house and cleaning up the mess you made.
*permanently or temporarily is questionable as is the duration....