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Complaint letters to Count Von-Draco about consumption of own babies.

by Blackwood, Carina

Dear most esteemed Count Von Draco,

I appeal to you in this letter as a plead, a plead on the humanities and moral righteousness of one of your vamparic rituals.

We humans have compromised to accept your existence and in turn stay well out of your way, but it has come to my attention that you vampires farm your own offspring for sustenance.

This is the most outrageous thing and I am ashamed to hear of it. Even though we are different, it is difficult to comprehend that a being that looks so alike to us can undergo this most disgusting and ridiculous cannibalism.

I urge you to repent from your ways, or else I will have to form a petition to get the priests to come to your house.


Mr. John Spankson.


To Human,

I present to you my argument over your concern and against human public issues.

First and foremost,we vampires are not and never were humans. Humans seem to hold strange sociological morals in which they pass down from generations This is not the case with vampires. We do not share your ideals nor should we feel inclined to conform to them. What vampires see as 'right' and 'wrong' is not the same as your narrow-minded human view.

As you pointed out in your letter, humans like to make certain care to stay away from us, which results in malnutrition and poverty midst the vampire species. In order to counteract this dire effect we turned to an ancient tradition of home-grown food. You see, vampires have a very short gestation period in comparison to humans, and any body that we birth does not inherit the vamparic traits unless undergone a specific ritual. These 'babies' as you may like to call it, are born human.

This is merely the same as how you humans breed cows, except we breed them ourselves in a sense that gives us even greater right to feed from them to sustain us.

From the sexiest vampire of all,

Count Von Draco.


Dear most esteemed Count Von Draco,

Your argument is invalid. You are eating your own babies. It is just wrong in so many ways. You must never undergo this cannibalism again. It is not the same as eating cows. You are, in effect, eating yourself. How do you feel about eating yourself, Count Von Draco? Does it give you a sick sense of satisfaction? A sense of justice that it is right, and you must keep doing it?

There is a name for that. It is called "mental instability," and if you don't change your views soon, the priest will knock on your door and offer your only chance of hope. This is not a threat, dearest Count Von Draco, but rather an opportunity that can change your way of life around. However, if you do not act soon, this wondrous opportunity will turn into a threat, and we would have no choice but to go there ourselves and put an end to your madness. Please rethink your actions. This is your last warning.


Mr. John Spankson


To Human,

You do not seem to understand. These are not vampires. We form not emotional attachment to them. If we want proper children we will undergo the proper ritual in order to create vampire offspring. These current cattle are simply made to sustain our race. Unless you would very much like to offer yourself and your family as a sacrifice to our thirsts, I advise you stop complaining and simply live your life and let us live ours.

Get lost and stop sending me letters.

From the sexiest,

Count Von Draco.


Dear self-conceited Count Con Draco,

You bloodsucking fool! I offer you the help you so desperately need and would be so lost in this pitiful world of yours without it, and here you are, telling me off! Do you not understand the dire consequences of your words?

Do not tell me what to do, you disgusting creature.



Unfortunately you have become a hinder. We ate your mailman. Do not send another if you want him to suffer the same fate. I also advise you refrain from complaining or else we will send gargoyles to attack the town.




Go and g....[blood splatters cover rest of page making it illegible]

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Tue Jul 30, 2013 10:13 pm
OrionX says...

Live and let live. That's the message this letter is trying to convey.

Who are we to interfere in other's cultures and habits of living? We (the Western world) eat chicken every day, but when you hear about other cultures eating dogs or horses we become disgusted. No culture is superior to others. The human has no right to tell the Count how they should live their lives.

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160 Reviews

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Mon Jul 29, 2013 10:48 pm
Rurouni says...


This made me laugh..

An arguement between Dracula and a human.. Very funny.

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Sun Jul 28, 2013 11:57 pm
EmilieHaugaard wrote a review...

Hi there :)

This is so great! Very funny. The idea is so original! I like everything about this:)

It is really an unique take on human/vampire relationship. And you really made me root for the off-spring eating creature for some reason :) haha :D :D
I think it's aaawwwesome!

The ending is just great. I would not change anything about this piece :)

Amazing job, well done. Just keep writing ;)

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303 Reviews

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Sun Jul 28, 2013 3:27 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...

Hey Blackwood/ Carina, Black here for a quick Review Day Review for ya!

Okay, I'll be frank: This piece was ridiculous and I found it sad for some reason. There you go. You would think that Mr. Von Draco might be able to afford a proof reader as well. However I will give you that it was fairly well written, and you did do a good job showing the usual path that Christians trying to convert non-Christians take.

But you have a number of problems: First and foremost is the problem that you're tearing apart a straw man. Literally, tearing apart. If you're going to be kicking away at your typical Christian evangelist like this, then why don't you give him a good argument, and counter it with a good argument. Why would you get any credit for beating up a guy who couldn't defend himself? Because technically speaking, that's what you're doing. You're beating up a lame argument.

Why don't you argue against the argument 'you are destroying potential lives' (note: There are better arguments out there, but they're not easy to fight). You'll get much better credit for doing that. It won't be quite so much of a straw man. Straw man arguments are invalid and lame (it's like discovering something that's already been discovered -while knowing it's already been discovered).

Okay, next thing in this disjointed review: Your Grammar. I'll be just giving a few examples of your problems, fixing them, and then trying to generalize from what I see. Remember though: It's up to you to follow up on what I say (or not). Your style won't fix itself, now or ever.

I appeal to you in this letter as a plead, a plead on the humanities and moral righteousness of one of your vamparic rituals.

'I appeal to you in this letter as a plead' doesn't make any sense an you should know it. Come on! There're two of you, proof read it before posting! You can't appeal as a plead, that's just using different words to say the same thing -and that doesn't work. Why don't you try something like 'I appeal to you in this letter on the humanities . . .', completely cutting out the 'plead' part. It'd make more sense.

We humans have compromised to accept your existence and in turn stay well out of your way, but it has come to my attention that you vampires farm your own offspring for sustenance.

You need a 'you' after the 'in turn', otherwise it's completely out of place and seriously needs to be gotten rid of. Also, the 'your' should be 'our'. Just read through the sentence, think about what you want, and then fix it accordingly.

This is the most outrageous thing and I am ashamed to hear of it. Even though we are different, it is difficult to comprehend that a being that looks so alike to us can undergo this most disgusting and ridiculous cannibalism.

Okay, I'm not a very funny guy, but I seriously can't see anything 'ridiculous' about cannibalism. At all. You need to watch your wording. If this word was intentional then you've got one WEIRD guy here . . . if it isn't then you need to be careful in the future.

Humans seem to hold strange sociological morals in which they pass down from generations This is not the case with vampires.

Besides the fact that you seriously need a period after 'generations', this here sentence doesn't really make any sense. What do humans pass down . . . why . . . what? I can't understand you. Check through and rewrite.

Okay, that's enough for now (though I could say a lot more). I advise you to try to be careful about your sentences and make sure that they MAKE SENSE. Because not making sense seems to be your main problem. Proof reading before you post can really help to get a lot of your more basic problems cleaned out -you should try it.

But anyway, I'm going to need to leave here. Good job though, you did a fairly decent job, and though Mr. Whoeverhewas was a straw man, you made him an interesting straw man. Keep on eye on how much sense you make, beware of straw men . . . and yeah, just keep writing. Otherwise you won't improve.

P.s. If you wanna follow up on this review then do so via PM, an if you'd like to be extra nice then PM me what you thought of this review on a scale of one to twenty! Thanks!


Blackwood says...


Tsk tsk don't get annoyed at me if I tell you that you have a problem ;)

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331 Reviews

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Sun Jul 28, 2013 1:11 pm
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Blackwood says...

Don't get me wrong now. I am not reviewing my own thing. I am simply reviewing the parts that @Carina wrote. <3

Woman you first starting writing in Spanksons letters at "sick sense of satisfaction" what beautiful alliteration you have there. It is wonderful. I like it how you compare him to a mental person.
WHAT WRE YOU THINKING YOU SPELT VON WRONG. and it wasn't even the first time yu spelt Von as con another time also and I had to correct you. Are you a failure in life Carina? You should fix the mess you made. AND YOU DIDNT EVEN SIGN THE LETTER. then you proceed to call him Dracula!? SINCE WHEN WAS HE DRACULA LIKE WHAT????? this is unheard of. in life.
Ok ok so maybe it was party my fault that you didn't sign the letter but you didn't even finish writing the letter from Spankson you just left it incompelete and I had to finish it it wasn't even my duty to sign it in the first place.
I'm sorry I really love you


Carina says...


Blackwood says...

Spoiler! :

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347 Reviews

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Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:45 am
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OliveDreams wrote a review...

Hello there :) Here to review your work for review day! I was scrolling through the many different genres and this caught my eye. I, myself, have never read a series of letters on here before so I was more than interested straight away!

I love the way you write. I think it's funny and very well done. I love the subject content and I also like the way you have set it out.

I love that you've given the human 'John Spankson' the ability to use ridiculously long words to try and get his point across. This helps me picture him as a blithering idiot who only makes it worse when he drops the facade and says, "You bloodsucking fool!" haha.

I also love that the Count signs himself off as 'the sexiest'

The only helpeful critique I could give you is to make it a little more consistent with the comedy side of things. Don't drop the signature off the letter starting, "Dear self-conceited Count Con Draco..." By still signing it, 'sincerely, John Spankson' you can still give the impression that even though this human is angry beyond belief he finds it more difficult to forget his manners. Hope that makes sense!

Good luck, thank you for your review & I look forward to reading more of yours soon!

Olive <3

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43 Reviews

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Sat Jul 27, 2013 5:27 pm
Love wrote a review...

Haha, I have truly enjoyed reading it XD It's... Quite amusing :D I don't truly have anything to critique, because I simply loved it XD Thanks for sharing... I love vampires :3 *turns into a cloud of bats and flies away*

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Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:36 pm
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Laminated says...

Well and amusingly written.

From the sexiest,


And one criticism:

...which results in a lack of malnutrition and poverty midst the vampire species...

Take out "a lack of." It don't make no sense.

Thanks fr sharing!


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12 Reviews

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Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:34 pm
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MRHILL92 says...

I liked it. There was poetry in your words, and the voices were riveting. I'd like to see more from you.

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Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:53 pm
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ImHero says...

I like the flow and the writers voice for both of you but why is this not listed as Fan-fiction?

Blackwood says...

Because he isn't actually Dracula, Spankson is just using it as an insult.

Sorry, I thought you got confused about the name.

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Thu Jul 25, 2013 1:00 am
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Veeren says...


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Wed Jul 24, 2013 9:48 pm
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kingofwernogs wrote a review...

Very well done. I thought it was a very good humorous representation of what happens when cultures clash, and I liked the rhetoric used. But, as usual, there were some errors:
1. You missed a few periods towards the beginning, so I'd recommend checking for those.
2. In the vampire's first letter, he uses the word "midst". This is correct grammar, but in my opinion it just doesn't sound right. Feel free to leave it as it is.
3. Towards the end of the story, you spell "Count Von Draco" wrong twice. The first time it is spelled "Count Con Draco", and the second time it is spelled "Dracula".
That's all, I really enjoyed it, and keep writing!

~Kingofwernogs, Fact Checker

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Wed Jul 24, 2013 7:52 pm
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Auxiira says...

It's just so... random

Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan